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MexiChick67
Que? Que? Queee?
06:23 PM on 04/29/2013
Raising children is never easy. Be they adopted or biological. One thing that parents must remember: love them and give them boundaries.
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UCBAlum
half-baked noodle
06:19 PM on 04/29/2013
With some things in life, the answer to a question is implied in its asking.
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Lisa Shields
Poet & Advocate For Special Needs Children
06:12 PM on 04/29/2013
Thank you for this.

I work with the parents of special needs kids---and all too often they too are so consumed with guilt, that they deny themselves even the right to the occasional complaint...much less some time to themselves. They are always stunned when I say "If you are going to be the best parent, first you need to be the best YOU possible...and sometimes that takes time for yourself. Difficult...but so worth it in the long run.

It's advice ANY parent needs...and should live by.
05:45 PM on 04/29/2013
I lost my eldest beautiful daughter in a tragic violent incident when she was in her twenties. These growing moments, unlike the presence of your loved ones, are always with you, for you, in fact in the end their gift to you.. Treasure every precious moment, and no matter how annoying at the time, each is worth more than anything in the end. It all does makes sense, even when it doesn't.
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cleverindie
01:11 AM on 04/30/2013
I'm so sorry for you loss. What you said is so very important. I do know what a treasure even the challenges are and I try not to lose sight of that because there are no guarantees in this world. So sad to hear about your daughter. Thank you for sharing your experience and your wisdom. Big hugs and lots of love.
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curmugin
Sorry kids.
05:34 PM on 04/29/2013
Without having an extended family or circle of friends having children is too hard for many people. Especially for people not raised in a family with younger sibs. Expectations and reality get out of whack and most people don't have the stamina or the skills. . It still isn't the kids fault.
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wingin it
analyze the stench, to me it makes a lot of sense
12:20 AM on 04/30/2013
Totally agree. Grandparents and Aunts and uncles, cousins, great friends are so important.
05:30 PM on 04/29/2013
"Did I Ruin My Life By Having/Adopting These Kids?" Yes. Absolutely. It's because having 2 is easy! Piece of cake. It's like having 1. Having 3 is hard, OMFG. It's like having 6.
Sallyosally
Do unto others . . .
05:19 PM on 04/29/2013
Every parent feels that way at first. Overwhelmed. Cornered. I remember thinking with our firstborn, "What have I done?" That was 43 years ago. There is no way for anyone to tell you what parenthood is like, because there is no language that describes it. Now, as I look back, I remember when I couldn't even go into the bathroom by myself because small people were banging on the door, "Mama? MAMA!" I used to think sometimes that I hated that name. But 44 years later, a grandmother times five, I would give anything to have one of those days back when I was the most important person in their little lives, when only I could comfort them when they were sick. Daddy tried, but they wanted Mama. One day they will leave and you will find that having as much time in the bathroom isn't as valuable as it once was. But we ALL felt overwhelmed when we were parents of small children - adoptive, fertility-driven or not.
05:17 PM on 04/29/2013
Great article! Parenting is hard work, and sometimes you wish you were alone again. My fantasies are no longer based on romance and world travel. They are about having a meal in peace, showering without someone knocking or fear that someone will knock, sleeping in and laying around all day. Then I remember they will be grown one day and I will miss the days when they called out to me every two minutes, whining and crying, and the special surprise hugs they give, just because they love me.
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CePe
A moderate too liberal for Texas
05:09 PM on 04/29/2013
Been there, done that! As the adoptive mother of a son, now almost 29, I worked long and hard to become a mom. My son was not an easy kid to parent. He seems to have been born with an oppositional nature, not at all like me or my husband. Sometimes, when the going was especially tough, I wondered whether he and we would have been better off if we had not adopted him. Then I took an objective look at family members in both my and my husband's families and I realized we had a lot of oppositional types in our gene pool. A birth child of ours could have been much like our adopted son! "What if's" are pointless. Second guessing accomplishes nothing. Look forward when parenting gets tough and realize that for better or worse (usually for the better) " this, too, will pass." We always have and always will love our son unconditionally, and are so much richer for having him in our lives. Even if he still can be a real turkey at times, I would not trade being his mom for anything!
07:11 PM on 04/29/2013
Thanks for that. That eased my worried mind!
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Darwinita
Goddess Divine and certainly an acquired taste...
05:04 PM on 04/29/2013
Thank God YOU'RE doing it so I don't have to. Cheers!
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BlueBird55
Love expands to meet demands.
04:57 PM on 04/29/2013
That burden is coming directly from you. I know NO ONE who would begrudge an adoptive parent the same feelings of frustration, of being overwhelmed, of needing time away, of those months of adjustment as biological parents experience. Yes, we feel guilt too. Children are, after all, "blessings from God." When you hear that, look around at a house piled high with diapers--both clean and dirty--with toys, with bottles, with baby blankets, with baby swings, with play pens, with the various and sundry paraphernalia in having a baby in the household and couple that with the loss of sleep and the too-rare contact with adults. Well, you're going to question what have you done. Then you get up the next morning, see that baby that just woke up, standing in his/her crib, holding arms out to be picked up, and all is well with the world again. It comes, it goes. For ALL parents, bio or adoptive.
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Pixie12
A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence
06:26 PM on 04/29/2013
I don't see anywhere in this article that adoptive children were excluded from this article. In fact, perhaps you need to read the title.
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BlueBird55
Love expands to meet demands.
07:55 PM on 04/29/2013
...sigh... The whole point of my post was that adoptive parents aren't the only ones that feel guilt at feeling like "what have I done" and that bio parents feel it also.  Perhaps you need to read my post and see that I was trying to assuage the adoptive parents' guilt some by letting them know ALL parents feel that way and that no one (other than perhaps the adoptive parents themselves) expect them not to feel that way. 
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phillipgaohio
Lets push America into the 21st century
04:44 PM on 04/29/2013
I have no desire to have kids because I know I would make an awful father in the sense that I would give terrible advice and wouldn't be strict enough.
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JudgeCCrater
From under a NJ boardwalk thanks to free Wi-Fi!
04:40 PM on 04/29/2013
Try to 'enjoy'/appreciate it while you can. The youngest of our three kids is now 10 years old and my wife turned to me today and said "Sometimes it's like we don't have kids anymore."

It's hard to believe now but they will become independent eventually.
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Bridget Waters
Tie Dye Artist
04:40 PM on 04/29/2013
It's too bad we don't all have the perspective of knowing what having children is like before we have them. But the important part is to remember to appreciate all the milestones, because eventually they DO grow up and move out. Then you get to enjoy your grandchildren without having to do the messy discipline thing.
04:14 PM on 04/29/2013
I like this article because I think everyone can relate. Parenting is super tough, exhausting and can run you ragged. It doesn't mean you don't adore your kids and love them with all you have but let's be realistic. It's hard work and it's not like any other job where when you finally leave it, you get a break. It's a 24 hour, 7 day a week gig and there's never any time off. I asked Dr. Rutherford, a Clinical Psychologist and expert in human behavior and she suggested when you're feeling this way that you might need a little parental "time out" . You can read her advice here: http://conversationswithmymother.com/when-a-parent-needs-a-time-out/