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thedragonclaw
Dublin's freindly neighborhood Comic Book guy
11:43 AM on 05/07/2013
There is no worse feeling than finding out the woman you loved for years was just stringing you along. In my case it was very much the same. I was told even afterwards how I always treated her great and was a fantastic husband, but she never loved me and knew so well before we ever got engaged...sure, she TOLD me she loved me...but it was all a lod of you know what...Not only did I waste 7 years, but there was a really nice woman who was crazy about me, but I did the right thing and told her how I was flattered, but engaged...and quite a few other women who showed interest, that maybe would have cared about me in return, possibly been 'happily ever after' materiel, instead of just being there because "she needed a stable place to stay and I was a good cook"...
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gigglingatya
Raindrops taste like tears without the pain
01:04 PM on 05/07/2013
I'm betting that Karma has a very special smack-upside-the-head waiting for your ex. Cheers!
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Greta42
Let's make the House tea-free in 2014
05:38 PM on 05/07/2013
It's best not to dwell on all the details you mentioned but to take what you've learned and move forward - and apply it to the many opportunities to meet other women and assess their character. Good luck.
11:17 AM on 05/07/2013
The cost of a wedding is often inversely proportional to the value of the marriage. Paying huge sums (or worse yet: getting your parents to pay huge sums) for a wedding demonstrates skewed priorities that do not align well with "til death do us part."
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02:43 PM on 05/07/2013
You have a point. That's why I tried to save as much money as possible. It cost me all of $40 to make our invitations, and they were beautiful! Now postage to Australia, that was more expensive :)
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jgamble28
ya never know.
10:39 AM on 05/07/2013
I think the sad part is that she didn't seem to try very hard to make a good marraige. Even knowing that you didn't love him you still went and married him.
05:47 PM on 05/07/2013
And she couldn't understand why the nookie was infrequent? Sheesh. I'd like to hear how he felt. He probably felt eviscerated by her barely hidden disdain.
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Eileenla
10:35 AM on 05/07/2013
The challenge for me in reading articles like this one is to avoid putting on my "Judge" hat, and to simply take in the information to discover what can be learned about human behavior. No person "is" their actions; actions and choices are what we learn from, so I am hoping for this woman's sake that she has learned much and grown up a good deal as a result of her life experience.

What I've learned about human behavior? 1) It's better to be honest up front, even if that causes some pain, then to be dishonest out of some misplaced sense of loyalty or fear - thereby doing great harm over the longer haul. 2) Love isn't something that can be "made." It's something we co-create, and it takes both parties to formulate a loving, committed and intimate relationship. 3) Kindness is ALWAYS the right answer. The challenge is figuring out what kindness means.
kellygreen
"Ideology is the Science of Idiots" John Adams
11:46 AM on 05/07/2013
We are not our actions, but that does not absolve us from responsibility for the effects that our actions have on ourselves and others.

IMO, the tragedy here is a more basic one: You cannot love another to any greater degree than you love yourself. You cannot respect anyone else to any greater degree than you respect yourself.

Her actions don't strike me as those of someone malicious or mean-spirited...but those of someone who has been trained (probably by their upbringing) to have a shocking lack of self-regard. If she doesn't care enough about herself to respect her own legitimate wants, needs and preferences....she has no basis from which to genuinely honor those of anyone else.

...and it wasn't until she was finally able to stop disrespecting her own inner truth, that she was finally able to stand up and put an end to the charade that was her "marriage".

...and a painful life lesson for everyone involved.
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Eileenla
01:22 PM on 05/08/2013
Beautiful points. Thanks for that!
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mzrecycle
a very subtle micro-bio
10:31 AM on 05/07/2013
My fist marriage was a mistake. I tried for 24 YEARS to make it work. By that time I had 3 sons, and all but the youngest was out of the home. I divorced him. He was a lier, a cheat and was violent. What took me so long...

A few years later I met and VERY nice man. Honest, loving, and totally faithful. And has a wonderful wit. We've never had a fight in 8 years. A couple of misunderstandings, yes. He doesn't dress to impress anyone. I've seen him wear white socks and black loafers with shorts. With some gentle encouragement, he now makes some better wardrobe choices. If that's his biggest flaw, oh well!
10:17 AM on 05/07/2013
This type of experience happens a lot more then people realize. She got caught up with something that quickly became completely out of control and didn't want to hurt his or anyone elses feelings. I did not want to get married to my ex but I did anyways because of his constant pressure on me. I stayed in that loveless marriage for 26 years as my family loved him and he was very much in love with me. We all make stupid, horrible mistakes and all that we can do is learn from them. This is a very well written cautionary tale to all of those considering marriage or any other big decision in your life. Always listen to that little voice in your head. It will always steer you right.
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syds180turn
Independent and Proud of It!
06:52 AM on 05/07/2013
Stop judging this woman, none of us is perfect and stop acting as though you are. She said she made a mistake and many of us do. There are tons of people who marry folks and don't love them...even back in the day, you know the good old days that people try to idolize, many couples married and weren't necessarily in love but there were far less choices, particularly for women. This woman should have stopped the madness, but it sounds like she hoped her feelings would change because he was a nice guy. Everything is not in Black and White...there's always a gray area. And I'm so sick of people always bashing people because they want happiness for themselves and make decisions that are right for them at the time. This notion that everyone should be selfless is in fact selfish. Acting like you should be nominated for Sainthood is not any better, so cut it out. Life is messy and sometimes confusing, but it's also wonderful and joyous. It all depends on how you want to spend your life or with whom. It's better to realize your mistake and correct it, then to put your martyrdom hat on and make yourself out to be some long-suffering Joan of Arc. Her ex is a big boy, so I'm sure he has either picked himself up and moved on or he will.
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wittyusername 29
Londoner in the USA
08:20 AM on 05/07/2013
I've made many mistakes in life. I choose not to write about them, put them on the internet, and invite comment.

Are you saying everyone here should have congratulated her? Or..... ?
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syds180turn
Independent and Proud of It!
08:53 AM on 05/07/2013
Not congratulated her but learn from her to follow your first instincts. Then that minimizes the damage for waiting too long.
09:24 AM on 05/07/2013
If reading her blog post gives someone else the strength or strategy to walk away from something that needs walking away from, they yes, it's a good thing. And if that happens, I am guessing that the author would not even care about how many petty mean spirited people took a dump on her in the process.
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wittyusername 29
Londoner in the USA
08:28 AM on 05/07/2013
And I find your comment about her ex being a big boy and getting over it extremely callous.

The man lost 10 years of his life to someone advertising she never loved him and ridiculing him.
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fallenarches
breaking it down, one fact at a time.
03:28 AM on 05/07/2013
Alpert is not a terribly sympathetic character here. She actually kind of lost me when she tried to suggest up front that her husband was a vile human being not worth marrying from the start, because of the "red flag" style choice of white athletic socks worn with dress shoes and shorts. I've been known to suck through my teeth because a man wears Dockers, but really now.... The choice of such attire only indicates an aesthetic sensibility. It's not an indication of essential character or intelligence. My own brother -- may he rest in peace -- was an athletic-sock-with-shorts wearing sort of dude, but he was also brilliant and absolutely devoted to his wife and children. An Alpert type creature would be lucky as all get-out to land a man like him, athletic socks and all. But I suspect that my brother would not have been lucky to land an Alpert.
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SgtLucifer
George Carlin was right, it's all a Scam!
01:46 AM on 05/07/2013
you are quite ruthless and calculating, aren't you? i hope that man find it in his heart to forgive you.
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DatelessNerd
It's called Inverted Totalitarianism
11:35 PM on 05/06/2013
I'm noticing a pattern here.

It's all about YOU, isn't it?
11:28 PM on 05/06/2013
In your last year you "held out for something that would MAKE me fall in love..". YOU decide that.

The front page headline: "My marriage was a mistake". YOU made the mistake. Own it or spare us.

The language of non-responsibility and non-effort. What makes a marriage is the commitment you vow.

And your write about socks and 100k - an amount which - if you gave it to a lot of economically hurting yet devoted couples would likely save a bunch of marriages with the stress relief.

Whoever thinks of as much as a date with you should be required to read this 1st.
InLosAngeles
Speaking Truth to Groupthink
11:14 PM on 05/06/2013
Did you pay him back financially for the fraud you perpetrated upon him? Or are you simply trying to profit yet again from your fraudulent behavior by seeking some much needed attention by blogging?
RealistBC
Micro-bios must pass muster. Mine won't.
11:07 PM on 05/06/2013
At least she didn't blame him for not being the guy she should have married.
08:22 PM on 05/06/2013
I went thru exactly what the guy in this story went thru. Dated a girl for several years. We almost broke up after the first year when she told me she had a bunch of credit card debt ($70,000) but I figured we'd get thru it...and we did. I sucked it up and bailed her ass out over 3 years. Proposed to her in January of 2006, got married in September of that year. 3 years later things were bad. She comes to me and says "I never really loved you". Holy Sh*t...after all these years? After talking about marriage, me proposing, planning a wedding in Hawaii...months in between to call it off....WTF is wrong with these women???
reciprocat
On November 6, 2012...God blessed America
07:23 AM on 05/07/2013
hate to say it but I love hearing your story. A cautionary tale that isn't told enough. Please write YOUR blog on this 'marriage'. It is just as worthy an article as this one.
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merlin57
Hey hey my my...out of the blue and into the black
02:18 PM on 05/07/2013
That was some expensive *stuff* you paid for. Should be a lesson to all men about paying off some chicks' debt.
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CR46
spay/neuter and adopt
08:18 PM on 05/06/2013
Sorry, but at 28 you darn sure knew what the cost of everything you picked for your wedding cost and at 28 you made the decision to have a wedding and not waiting until you met someone to have a marriage with. I feel sorry for your ex and anyone you are in a relationship with in the future.
05:05 AM on 05/07/2013
I was thinking just the same thing. When I was 26, my best friend was getting married to a young man whose old money mother insisted on the best of everything for the wedding. I went with my friend to almost every dress fitting, shoe search, accessory choosing, and even a food tasting that her fiance was unable to attend. It wasn't my wedding at all, and I still knew what every single thing cost - and if I didn't know, I'd have been able to make an educated guess! If I could figure out the cost of a wedding that wasn't even mine, I cannot imagine that an independent 28-year-old could get through life without noticing the prices of goods and services for her own wedding. And yet nine years later, at the age of 37, she was still claiming ignorance and that she had no idea what her wedding cost even then? B.S.!!