A New Sexual Conversation in America

Cory Silverberg will join Esther Perel, Amy Sohn, Leonore Tiefer and Ian Kerner for a conversation called "Sex in America: Can The Conversation Change?" The symposium is co-sponsored by the Huffington Post and Open Center and will take place in New York City on Friday, February 20th. Click here to register.

Writing about the opportunity for sexual change in the Obama age, Ian Kerner wrote in a post last week:

"The time is upon us to cleanse, rejuvenate, and rebuild: to make ourselves healthy and whole again."

As I was thinking about this I began to wonder, what would it be like if we chose a slightly different metaphor for sexuality? There's something about describing Americans as having been at one point sexually whole (or clean for that matter) that doesn't ring true for me. It's a generalization to be sure, but my impression of North Americans is that, sexually speaking, we are deeply fractured. And the breaks feel very, very old.

Starting a new sexual conversation in America has to be about more than changing the topic of discussion. Our current cultural obsessions with infidelity, cyber sex, sex work, and pornography (to name only a few examples) reveal absolutely nothing new about us. We need to change the terms of the conversation and invoke new frames and metaphors through which to see ourselves and each other. We have to be able to do this using our own language and experience.

When I think of my own and America's deeply conflicted experience of sexuality, I think of what it's like to take two magnets and intentionally turn them around so they oppose. It takes both attention and energy to keep the magnets apart. Sexuality, being a complex interaction between mind, body, and spirit, between individuals and society, is like having dozens, or hundreds of these magnet fragments. Some represent sexual behaviors; those things we want to do that we call sex. Other magnets represent who we want to do things with; our fantasies, our sexual hopes. Some of the most powerful magnets represent our gender identity; how we feel as masculine, feminine, neither or both. We expend much of our time and most of our energy working to keep these pieces apart (pieces which when oriented a slightly different way are drawn tightly together) that we barely have the energy to take any individual piece in our hands, roll it around, feel what it's like, and enjoy the surprising "click" when two pieces come together.

We're holding all these fragments at bay when we dig our heels into old and tired arguments about women being complicated and men being simple; people being always straight or gay; man or woman; safe or perverted. And we waste a great deal of our energy arguing that these fragments are simply a matter of genetic fact, rather than thinking about their social production and historical roots.

One of my sexual heroes, the disability rights activist Barbara Waxman Fiduccia, once wrote:

"To realize our sexual freedom, our goal must be to infuse the dominant sexual culture with the richness of our own experience."

She argued that the functional differences that are the source of so much degradation also contain the seeds of sexual liberation for people living with disabilities. I would argue that this is true for all of us, regardless of age, identified orientation or gender, religion, ethnicity, and race.

I was reminded of Waxman's words in President Obama's inaugural address when he suggested that that American's "patchwork heritage" (or what he once described in himself as "being a mutt") is not a source of weakness but of strength. My point is the same: The loudest sexual conversation that happens in America is all about our differences and how these are a source of vulnerability that must be covered up. This is the conversation led by everyone from Larry Flynt to the New York Times, from Dr. Phil to the FCC.

If we want to truly change the sexual conversation, we've got to start by shutting those people up, and speaking with our own voices, finding our own metaphors, and understanding that being sexually whole is never a fait accompli, sexuality is never one thing, and the value of questing for some sort of more perfect sexual union is almost entirely about the questions and rarely about the answers.

Comments

[AgnesBankhead]

on the same page, two columns over and one article down :

"Passion For Christ Movement Debuts "Ex-Masturbator" T-Shirts"

is this sexually healthy ? absolutely not --

forced repression and sublimation can be very damaging to overall sexual balance and well being .........

[AgnesBankhead]

sexuality in western civilization will never be truly whole and healthy until we begin to talk about breaking the choke hold of shame and restriction imposed by THE CHURCH

the ability to procreate is the most powerful and sacred link that a human being has to his/her Creator because it is the one way in which we bring forth, out of ourselves, new life

over the last 2000 years, and still continuing today, it has been the agenda of THE CHURCH's male-dominated hierarchies to disempower, demonize and minimize women in order to disrupt and usurp for itself that which most makes every human being divine and godlike

from the fairytale of Adam and Eve to burning witches at the stake it has been a pretty successful effort -- when THE CHURCH decreed sex (outside of THEIR rules) to be a sin that must be forgiven (by THEM and often at great cost), well, that was just the icing on their very delicious cake of wealth, power and control over "the flock "

from pedophile priests to dis-ease that now makes the act of creation potentially fatal, one needn't look far to see the results of this wicked subversion and sublimation

sex is sacred -- sex is spiritual --- sex is the Creator's greatest gift to his creations and no one should allow that very personal and sacred gift to be physically, emotionally and spiritually stolen

[historymatters]

maybe we could start by suggesting it's a good idea to laugh at yourself, and with the one (or ones) you're with when activities turn to sex. Relax and have fun already!

[PlaceboStudman]

Mr Silverberg,

As a man living (quite well I might add) with a disability, I commend and applaud you for mentioning a disability rights activist in your list of heroes as pertains to sexuality. The sexuality rights and freedoms of the disabled are something that I hope someone, somewhere will bring to the table of discussion. There is so much unknown, simply because of the tired, old stereotype that if the equipment doesn't work, there's no point in turning on (AHEM!) the engine. But, people forget that the driving force of the engine is the mind, not the body, and there are many millions of us with diverse sexual wants, needs and desires to give ample proof that we deserve to be a part of the discussion.

I hope the panel discussion or event that is mentioned here will have at least some mention of disability issues in terms of our sexual evolution!

[Stephanie Buehler]

Hi Cory,

You are, of course, so right that our sexuality is extremely complex, and yet we have no outlet for safe discussion on any but the most microscopic level--mainly inside our heads, unconsciously, with ourselves! I would love to see sex education--perhaps for adults--that includes discussion of the variety of sexual experiences, the meaning of various urges, how our sexuality changes across the lifespan, etc. How is it that as a sex therapist I can have someone in my office with an estimated IQ of 170 and a sexual IQ of 90? It is a huge part of our lives that is vastly underexplored, misunderstood, and denied.

Let the conversation begin.

Stephanie Buehler, PsyD
http://www.theblogerotic.com
http://www.thebuehlerinstitute.com/blog

[rbryanh]

Ian Kerner’s post of last week is a well-intentioned morass of classic snake oil sales tactics, not least of which is his near evangelical frenzy, almost entirely free of verifiable facts, reasoned arguments, or usable conclusions. I was unsurprised to discover he publishes self help books. Americans do so love to shout “Hallelujah!”, and then go on with business as usual.

I suggest you not follow in his footsteps, but stick to your Barbara Waxman Fiduccia guns. That degradation contains the seeds of sexual liberation is proved by more than just the experience of handicapped people and, unlike way too much of this hifalutin rhetoric, it’s an idea that can be demonstrated, discussed, and drawn to useful conclusions with widespread application. Shame is the core of the Western sexual experience, and there are many spiritual traditions that demonstrate we have to go down before we can come up. (Sorry - I tried and failed to find a better phrase before concluding that perhaps not all puns are bad.)

P.S. “If we want to truly change the sexual conversation, we've got to start by shutting those people up...” Honey, puhleeze... I can tell you’re feeling frisky, but if you want to be a dictator, you begin by suppressing free expression. Particularly with regard to sex, it's be done literally to death. Wise men and women begin conversations with their mouths shut, even if just to enjoy some silence before the shouting starts.

[Cory Silverberg - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks rbryanh. You are, of course, absolutely right that telling someone to shut up is no way to start a conversation (although in my defense, you should come to a family dinner at my house one night).

In truth I'm overly polite and much more interested in listening than hearing myself talk. And I'm looking forward to this panel precisely to hear what others have to say. But at the same time, there is a kind of yammering about sex that comes from the mainstream media that seems so unproductive and designed in some ways to keep the rest of us quiet, that when I'm given the opportunity to say "Shhh, let someone else have a say" I probably do it in an overly "frisky" way.

thanks again, I hope you'll be there in New York.

[cheaplazymom]

A good place to start a new conversation about American sexuality might be to speak in sentences that people can understand. This post is just extremely vague. The magnet metaphor is OK-- attraction and repulsion being two sides of the sex coin. But what is it that we aren't talking about? The debate always seems to come down to Don't have any sex vs. Have any kind of sex all the time! One side insists that sexual urges be constrained by morality and the other feels that any sexual impulse is natural and therefore outside of the bounds of morality. The truth is much more complicated and both of these fantasy extremes are dangerous. Not all sex is great-- it can be violent, dangerous or just plain depressing. Not all sex is bad-- it can be joyous, personal and fun. Not to mention it is about making babies and refusing to acknowledge that is not liberating it is just a lie. And saying so doesn't make me a fundamentalist Christian (I am not). Sex can be the key to happiness and fullfillment or it can be a source of pain and humiliation. I find that many sex columnists refuse to address that there is a dark side to these very natural desires. And unless we acknowledge that, we can't move to a place of sexual awareness and health.