A couple weeks ago, I got a crush on someone who was not a celebrity. He walks his dog by my apartment, and on more than one occasion, the dog has snuck up and scared me while I was running. The guy laughs at me, then for some reason I say I'm sorry and sprint off.
First off, if you are my crush -- I don't know what's wrong with me either, but let's go out!
Secondly, I've realized I'm going to have to make the move. It's 2014, people are having sex with robots, acting awkward in romantic encounters is all we have left. I felt it would be helpful if I could glean something about him in advance however, thus I turned to the Internet, abyss of all private and useless information.
I tried searching "guy + Los Feliz + black Labrador" on Facebook, but only came up with Lost Pets L.A. and Black Dog Coffee, which looks super cute. I figured my best bet would be to see if I could find him on a dating site. This would also confirm the one thing I needed to know, which was if he had a girlfriend. So, I joined OkCupid.
For my first step, I created a profile. I put my age and height and some photos. I said I drank and never did drugs, which is usually the truth. Then, I was given the option to answer a variety of other questions.
Question 1: My Self-Summary.
The first thing that came to mind as I condensed my life into a few words was the song Willy Wonka sings to all the kids as they enter his chocolate factory. You know, the one about dreams and wishes and paradise. I meant it in a Walt Disney kind of way, but my response would be misinterpreted.
Answer: "A world of imagination."
Question 2: What I'm Doing With My Life.
Answer: "I tell stories."
Question 3: Favorite Movies.
Yeah right, like I would put out that information upfront. Skip.
Question 4: I spend a lot of time thinking about ...
Answer: "Whether the boy actually belonged to Brandy or Monica."
Question 5: I'm really good at...
Answer: "Sneaking snacks into the movie theater and rapping Prodigy's verse on "Shook Ones.""
I was hesitant to draw attention to my background in hip-hop because, once they find out you can rap, everything changes. Ask Drake. But with that, I felt like I had provided enough details about myself and was ready to stalk my neighbor.
Within minutes of searching, I was almost positive I'd identified him. Depending on the angle, he was either extremely hot, or some low level associate in the mafia. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do because this was a stupid idea, and I didn't expect it to work.
I turned to my two relationship counselors for guidance: my best friend Liz, who owes me for getting engaged, and my best friend Craig, who I consider my gay equivalent. Liz thought it would be easy to just talk to my neighbor in real life.
"You just start asking him about the dog," she replied. "Say that you've been admiring the pup, been thinking about looking for one yourself, etc etc."
Craig agreed, and also thought the guy in the photo was impressive.
He added, "If you don't holla I will for sure, even if I have to get a sex change."
Meanwhile, I started getting messages from other guys on OkCupid, who'd evidently been enticed by my Willy Wonka reference. For a second, I thought about reaching out to the hot guy per Craig's suggestion, but decided it would be more fun to fuck around with some of the other people instead.
I started by replying to a man who'd messaged me about having a threesome with his wife.
Message: "Hi There, Are you open to hanging out with a fun couple? We're respectful, secure and very happy and are looking for a "girlfriend" to spend quality time with:) We love movies, restaurants, sushi, Vegas, Disneyland and weekend trips. If you're open to explore this idea maybe we can meet for coffee to see if we click :)."
My Reply: "Would I have to pay if we went to Disneyland?"
He didn't get back to me, but then I realized we were supposed to talk about that stuff over coffee.
The next message was from a young guy, who may or may not have gone to school.
Message: "Would you hook up with someone on here? Like a on going thing."
My Reply: "I'm not sure about a on going thing, I'll have to think about it. Now if you're interested in an ongoing thing, different story."
Then, there was the foreigner.
Message: "Good morning, I really like your page and think we could relate. Yes :) I have read it all then closed my eyes, touched the screen and that was it :^)
Feel free to write me back if you want. It would be nice to communicate with you..."
My Reply: "Tell me what you like about my page."
I was borderline sextaging, but if he had picked up on my nod to Roald Dahl, I'd have totally met him for drinks. Unfortunately, he just liked me.
His response: "Your main picture, smile, nose, face, posture and the books in background of your forehead. I like your self summary & what you are doing with your life. Is it enough? Can I get in? :) Will you tell me your name someday? Happy New Year!"
At this point, I started to feel like an asshole, especially since the guy liked my books. I decided I couldn't play with people's feelings or sexual arrangements any longer. Most of the men who messaged me were not attractive, and few spell checked their messages. I really don't like communicating with people who don't use proper grammar. Yet the emails continued, telling me guys "liked" me, and were "checking me out." One email notified me that an analysis of "how bad" guys wanted me found I was desired at a "so bad" level.
This was no surprise, given my rapping abilities, though being able to hustle food into the movie theater is a skill not to be ignored. My dad used to slip a whole cooler of soda past the ushers saving us tens of dollars in concessions, but that was nothing compared to our family friends the Farrars, who I once saw smuggle three Happy Meals into a screening of Beethoven's 2nd. You can smell that shit from the parking lot!
Amidst all the action on OkCupid, I saw my crush again with his dog. He was talking on the phone this time, but I smiled. He's so cute, I can't even type about him without getting those little hearts flying above my head like on cartoons. I determined that he and the mafia guy were different, and that even if they were the same, it would be weird of me to have done all this and gotten Willy Wonka involved.
Therefore, I removed my profile from OkCupid. It's much scarier to have your life summarized than it is being aggressive out in the field. Plus, there's no way I'll ever give up my movie list.
To those I offended with my impostor profile, I do apologize. Like I said, I tell stories.