THE BLOG
07/15/2014 06:29 pm ET | Updated Sep 14, 2014

If This Guy's Daughter Is a 'Real' Princess, Then I'm Lord of Ice Cream Cones

Some little girl told her father she wanted to be Cinderella, and her dad took her seriously, went out and claimed unchartered territory in Africa, and is now saying that his daughter is a fucking princess.

I'm 100% not kidding.

Worse -- it is actually possible to get worse -- the dad is asking all his friends and family on Facebook to henceforth address the 7-year-old by her "official" title: "Princess Emily."

This is me right now:

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In other "You Can't Make This Shit Up" news, I was sitting there laughing at what all the dad's friends must be thinking when I noticed he got 86 likes on the post and 75 shares, which is, honestly, a really good day for me. People are in full support of the gesture, however I imagine they're just trying to get close to the crown in the event of an overthrow. It happens every time someone buys a kingdom.

This is what the dad wrote:

"Today, with the full support of the Egyptian government, I traveled 14 hours through the open desert to reach Bir Tawil. Once in the Bir Tawil region, I planted a flag, designed by my children and made a physical claim on the land. Therefore, so be it proclaimed on June 16, 2014, Emily's 7th birthday, that Bir Tawil shall be forever known as the Kingdom of North Sudan. The Kingdom is established as a sovereign monarchy with myself as the head of state; with Emily becoming an actual Princess...I kindly request that when you see Emily, to address her by official title, Princess Emily. Each time she hears this title she will be reminded of my love and the lengths I will go to fulfill her every wish."

Excuse me for a moment ...

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What happened to the parents who let their kids fall and scrape their knees and bleed a little bit? What happened to "The world doesn't revolve around you, Courtney?"

This guy might as well go ahead and take out a second mortgage if he's going to make it through Emily's high school years. Apparently, she's been asking him repeatedly if she would ever be a princess, and he felt bad making her "empty promises."

So then tell her it's never going to happen!

I don't think I would have even broached the subject with my parents since they laughed at me when I told them I wanted to go to Hollywood in kindergarten. They would have made me Princess of Laundry if I'd even suggested it.

The closest my dad ever got to fulfilling one of my fantasies was when he bought an ice cream shop while I was in elementary school. To be clear: he didn't buy the store at my recommendation, nor did I have free reign over the ice cream or believe I was some sort of 'soft-serve deity.' Rather, I got a sugar cone periodically after school if I wasn't sassy with my mom in the car, which I usually was.

I can't even imagine how that newly colonized land in Sudan is going to be wasted by some 7-year-old governing it with her noble Barbie cabinet from the suburbs of Virginia. Add this to the giant list of asshole reasons white people go to Africa.

Actually, this whole ordeal reminds me of when people say they are "buying" someone a star as a gift. It sounds romantic, but really, you're getting nothing. You'll never be able to figure out which ball of gaseous light in the sky is yours, and even if you could figure it out, you can't do anything with it and nobody wants to hear about it either. Actual presents are better; cash is best. Cash is always best!

Better yet, in case this happens again, I've drafted a variety of responses to Emily's request to be a princess that would have been much more appropriate than "Okay, I'll go to Africa and get you a kingdom:"

1. No.
2. Let me guess -- you want to fly too, right?
3. Hell-to-the-nah.
4. [laughter] ... [more laughter]
5. Please.
6. There are princess costumes in your closet.
7. Pay for the kingdom yourself.
8. If you were smart, you'd have asked to be Queen. You obviously don't have a clue how kingdoms operate.
9. Even Cinderella worked harder for her position.
10. You know who gets called 'Princess'? Chihuahuas. Do you want to be a dog?
11. That's what dreams are for, not what dads are for.
12. Frozen is a bunch of lies.
13. No.

And for heaven's sake, will the rest of you stop "like"-ing this guy's Facebook post?