How Will Chicago Top Beijing's Olympics? Easy!

Did you watch the 2008 Olympics in Beijing? Did you see those incredible opening ceremonies? How will Chicago top that in 2016? Here are some ideas for how we might show the world what Chicago culture is all about:

- The Chinese had dancers in glowing costumes. We can have politicians in orange jump suits.

- They began the opening ceremonies with 2008 men beating traditional rhythms on drums. We can have 2016 Bucket Boys.

- They had a light show and fireworks. We can have little white Christmas tree lights draped over the entire stadium and leave them up all year.

- They did a giant calligraphic painting. We can use spray paint.

- For the Olympic symbol: five interlocking pinkie rings.

- Mascot? A white elephant with a crown that looks like Soldier Field.

- And for the grand finale, an Outfit punk can light the Olympic cauldron with a Molotov cocktail.

But the Olympics is much more than the opening ceremonies. How about some new events that will give the hosts an advantage?

- Deep dish discus.

- Relay races with plain white envelope hand-offs.

- Concrete overshoe swimming.

- Synchronized aldermen.

- Vaulting the homeless.

- Nepotism racketball.

- Automatic weapons marksmanship.

- Badminton with real pigeons.

- Budget wrestling.

- Blame volleyball.

- Alley stickball.

- Dumpster diving.

- Fencing government property.

- Snow throwing.

- Indoor tanning.

- Rat races.

- Outdoor cigarette smoking.

- Lincoln Avenue bicycle slalom.

- One handed driving while texting.

What other sports do you think will show the world what Chicago is all about?

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Craig Goldwyn writes for AmazingRibs.com and wants to see backyard barbecue added to the roster of events in Chicago. This commentary originally ran as an op-ed in the Chicago Tribune on 8/19/08.

 

Comments

[wander1976]

Chicago is a gorgeous city, and if you, Goldwyn, as a local, don't realize that, you should probably get around the U.S. (and the rest of the world) more. (And if you don't think there are places in Beijing that would make the infrastructure of Chicago's worst areas look pretty fabulous, you should spend a couple months there.)

[dancingsarah]

Is it true that many friends of the Obamas will be making big big money if the Olympics are in Chicago? Do they own a bunch of buildings they bought real cheap and will now use this opportunity Obama is fighting for?

[mergina]

Lots of culture here for sure to influence the games. Parking meter pole vaulting. Highest murder rate high jump. Backroom deals badminton. Beaches closed to the citizens of Chicago Volleyball. Parks no longer YOURS polo. Lake Shore Drive Pothole Lacrosse. Gun violence gymnastics. Tickets tennis. Rackets rackets. Gangland golf. Boot boxing. Taxes table tennis. Duh mayor diving. Beatings to death basketball. Alderman archery. Oh it is going to be quite an event.

[C Pollard]

Funny stuff. Sad, but funny.

[WilliePilgrim]

Da'Lympiks.

[Aldyth]

At long last, a Chicago Olympics I can support!

[PerryWhite]

If they put the same people in charge of construction who handled Millenium Park, it will become the 2018 Olympics.

[Matt Farmer - Huffpost Blogger]

If any race appears to end in a tie, the red-light camera at the intersection of Peterson and Western will be used to determine the winner, and all participants in that race will be notified of the final results by postcard within the week.

Each third-place finisher will still receive a bronze medal. Each second-place finisher will still be awarded the silver. Chicago 2016 winners, however, will get medals that are "[bleepin'] golden."

Jim Lampley will narrate a heart-warming mini-documentary entitled "Up Close and Personal with Ronnie 'Woo-Woo' Wickers."

Sadly, of the forty-nine aldermen who gave themselves a standing ovation earlier this month after voting unanimously to guarantee taxpayer funding for the 2016 Games, three will watch the Olympics on TV from the common area in their federal prison."

[BlackJAC]

Let's just abolish from the Olympics altogether. It's devolved into an extended mess of political posturing and sob stories.

[Garybot]

That is absolutely hilarious! Am trying to get up off the floor, can't catch breath.

Sounds like a rockin' (and Hedonistic) good time!

[Connolly1916]

Competitive drinking in Wrigleyville sports bars

followed by

Cab fare ditching

Exiting from the middle of an El Car packed with drunk, surly Cubs fans