Some carry out their crimes in the cover of evening darkness; some blatantly in the middle of day, right before your eyes. When the crime is done they casually turn and walk away. Who are these criminals? They are our neighbors, our friends, our family members. These dog-owning poopetrators are unashamed to mess with our lives. They feel no remorse. "It's only dog poop" they say . . . "Dogs have been pooping for millions of years" is another justification, or "it all turns to fertilizer" they cry out. Many of the poopetrators are simply unaware of the crimes they commit. Others know exactly what they are doing and scoff at the laws and rules that were designed to protect all citizens.
As is often the case with crimes against others, it takes one brave soul to make a stand. Dave Bulleshat is that man. He is the Poop Detective. A highly trained professional, the Poop Detective uses investigative skills, tools, and techniques, as well his own experience and instincts, to track, capture, and bring poopetrators to justice.
"He has a god given talent, a real nose for what he does. He's patient, relentless and crafty," says federal prosecutor Eugene Naillum. "In one case, he had to track a cagy little Bichon and its owner who were destroying their neighborhood, but they were so elusive that the local authorities were stumped and brought in Dave."
Every day the poopetrators would change the time of day that they went out as well as their route in the neighborhood. Sometimes they wore disguises. "They were masters at avoiding stakeouts and eluding tails," Naillum remembers.
For two months Bulleshat lived in his car, staking out the area, investigating crime scenes, profiling the little Bichon and the Bichon owner, trying to think as they would. The Poop Detective's patience finally paid off when one day the poopetrators made a mistake. That day the dog owner had put a Rottweiler disguise on the Bichon, but it didn't quite fit right and the Bichon's fluffy white tail stuck out of the disguise. Naillum described what happened, "I've seen the video footage of the arrest. It was classic. Dave, disguised as a fire hydrant, sprung on them as the Bichon did his duty. The Bichon immediately rolled over and Dave cuffed him. The owner ran and Bulleshat pursued, scaling fences, crossing streams, at one point jumping from rooftop to rooftop in pursuit until he finally brought the 78-year-old owner down with a diving tackle. She was one tough cookie," says Naillum, "she put up a heck of a fight. These habitual poopetrators can be tough nuts to crack, but Dave usually prevails."
And though the Poop Detective's techniques are considered extreme by some, his record of success speaks for itself, and his reputation has now preceded him. It is the Poop Detective's duty to stop poopetrators from leaving their dog's duty behind, and his influence is being felt. Many poopetrators now nervously look over their shoulders wondering if they are being watched, wondering if that bush is a real bush or if it might spring up at them at any moment. Street by street, park by park, city by city, he makes it safe for us to walk barefoot again. He is an American hero. In the messy, stinky world we live in, we should all be thankful for the influence of Bulleshat!
Watch the Poop Detective in action . . . www.thepoopdetective.com.