From: Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson <Dwayne_Rock@hotmail.com>
To: Darren Aronofsky <Darren.Aronofsky@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, Jan 7, 2009 at 11:19 AM
Subject: The Wrestler: A Proposal
Dear Mr. Aronofsky,
It has come to my attention that you have a critically acclaimed movie in limited release called The Wrestler. Now, I will admit, I have only seen the trailer, but this is a terrible movie. Why? Because you made an absolutely absent-minded choice for the lead role.
Let's quickly get a couple things out in the open about me: Two WCW Championships. Boom. Seven WWF/E Championships. Bang. Two Intercontinental Championships. Uh huh. The nineteen ninety-seven Slammy Award. DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?
Let's continue with my movie credits: The Scorpion King. Slam. Walking Tall. Double Slam. Get Smart. Triple Slam. And an appearance on Hannah Montana. I can't believe it...QUADRUPLE SLAM.
Don't be a complete JABRONI! Above is the resume of a kick ass wrestler/actor. Yet, I received zero phone calls about portraying the main character in your movie, The Wrestler. So I suggest you take your film, turn that son-of-a-bitch sideways, and STICK IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS! (in case you were unaware, this was one of my many great catchphrases during my tenure in professional wrestling- and you would have had complete access to them if you chose me for your film).
So, Darren Aronofsky, know your roll and SHUT YOUR MOUTH (another one of my classic catchphrases)! Here is my proposal: let's work together to make The Wrestler Video Game. This video game will not be super sad, like the trailer I saw of your movie. The main character in the game will not wear a hearing aid...because real wrestlers are too badass for that. And the main thrust of the game will not be renewing a relationship with a daughter...it will be about dropping the People's Elbow, and the Rock Bottom (two of my signature moves, you JABRONI!).
My agent will be in touch. But, IT DOESN'T MATTER (a lesser catchphrase I used), because we're getting this video game made, regardless. And that's The Rock's final word, JABRONI!
Smell What I'm Cooking,
Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson
P.S. I saw your movie Pi and didn't get it at all.