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'Girls' Recap: 99 Vagina Problems

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Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 1, Episode 2 of HBO's "Girls," entitled, "Vagina Panic."

Last time on "Girls" (Sundays at 10:30 p.m. ET on HBO): Aspiring novelist Hannah gets cut off from her parents -- "No. More. Money" -- but that's OK because she's seeing a guy who treats her heart like monkey meat and says things like, "You're not that fat anymore." No, wait, that's really not OK. Meanwhile, her BFF Marnie wants to break up with her needy boyfriend Charlie, and her childhood BFF Jessa just came back to town because she's totally pregnant.

Now, a lot of you didn't think the pilot was as funny as I did, which is totally fine. It seemed like everyone had something to say about it -- whether you were a girl living in Brooklyn, a girl living in Illinois or a someone who knew a girl.

Some people thought Hannah was too privileged, too whiny and too self-centered. Yes, Hannah is all of those things, but she's also extremely self-aware. Not everyone is going to like her, but I do. I can even look past "cupcake-gate."

However, for those of you that didn't love the pilot -- or appreciate Dunham's humor -- then I'm afraid that Episode 2 isn't going to make you fall in love with Hannah and her girls. Out of the three episodes that I've seen, this was definitely my least favorite. It delves a bit deeper into Hannah's crazy neurotic behavior, and not in the adorkable, likable way.

Also, as I'm recapping this, I would like you all to know that my BFF Sumana is sitting next to me. She's Indian. I'm obviously making up for Lena Dunham's lack of diversity by adding some to my recap.

Somewhere in Brooklyn, Hannah and Adam are once again having really gross -- and painfully awkward -- sex. As if we didn't already think Adam was the worst guy ever, now he calls her a "dirty whore" and pretends that she's a 11-year-old junkie with a Cabbage Patch lunch box. But at least he asks her if she was a Gatorade after sex. Wow, Hannah, what a keeper!

We also learn that Adam is used to hooking up with girls without using condoms. Hannah, who has had a fear of AIDS since she was a teenager, is obviously spooked by Adam's confession. So she rushes home to Google "diseases that come from no condom for one second." Now, I've had my fair share of embarrassing Google searches, but I'm going to let you know that the last thing I searched on my phone was "One Direction."

Obviously, Hannah and I are two completely different levels of crazy. In a state of vagina panic, Hannah immediately calls Marnie and asks her to book a gyno appointment ASAP. I thought Marnie worked in PR? Is Hannah actually having her friend book her appointment for her? Is she too embarrassed? Does she not like talking to strangers?

For a good chunk of my adolescence, I too was afraid to talk to people on the phone. I couldn't even order a pizza out of fear that the guy on the other end of the phone would mock me. Then, I turned 14 and got over it.

Meanwhile, somewhere else is Brooklyn, Marnie and Charlie are having really tame -- and painfully awkward -- sex. Charlie likes to take it slow, and wants to look into Marnie's eyes. Marnie, on the other hand, looks like she'd rather be anywhere else in the world than wrapped around Charlie.

Back in Manhattan, Shoshanna is totes making her manifestation board in her Nolita apartment while listening to Kelly Clarkson. That's pretty much my dream life. Hell hath no fury like a woman who just listened to Kelly Clarkson.

Case in point: Yesterday, I cried (a lot), and the only thing that made me feel even remotely better was listening to "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)." You better believe I grabbed my hairbrush and jumped on my bed. The whole nine yards.

Now, most people seem to agree that Shoshanna is the least realistic character among Dunham's girls. However, I am here to tell you that I know more people like Shoshanna than I'm actually willing to admit. My lovely-super-amazing roommate Jewlie (if you're reading this, a Coldplay song plays in my heart every time I look at you) works in fashion, and those girls throw around words like "totes," "amaze" and "obvi" like Naomi Campbell likes to throw around her cell phone.

So while Shoshanna rocks out to Kelly, Jessa has to get ready for the abortion that Marnie planned for her because there's no way she's ready to have little hipster, maxi dress-wearing babies just yet.

Jessa meets up with Hannah and Shoshanna for her pre-abortion Tasti D-Lite fix. Dear Hannah, Tasti D-Lite fro-yo is so five years ago. It's all about 16 Handles right now. (#MistakesGIRLSmake)

Also, how can Hannah even afford that $4.50 cup of Tasti D-Lite? I thought she was broke. Maybe Shoshanna treated her besties to an afternoon fro-yo snack? Is this how she bribes people into being her friends? I think so.

Of course, this seems like the best time for Shoshanna to break out her relationship advice book. It's pretty much like everything you've ever read in Cosmopolitan magazine, full of advice like, "Hey ladies, if a man doesn't take you on a date, he's not interested" and "Hey ladies, doing it from behind is degrading."

Obviously, the reason Adam doesn't take Hannah out on dates is because he's broke. I mean, the $800 his grandma gives him can only buy him so many cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon before he's all tapped out.

Unfortunately, for Shoshanna, Jessa doesn't want any part of her "Hey Ladies Bible." She doesn't like women telling other women how to do it or when to do it. Plus, she thinks dates are for lesbians.

Hannah doesn't really have time to figure out what's wrong with Jessa because she has a job interview, and I don't think the $20 her parents left for her (and the other $20 she stole from her parents') in the hotel room is really going to fund her cupcake addiction for much longer.

At first, it looks like Hannah might actually get this job. After all, the girl knows how to have a conversation.

"I do object to any bar that calls its bartenders 'mixologists,'" she tells her potential future employer. To which Sumana says, "Do I secretly identify with this girl, or what?" Sumana and I often like to make fun of mixologists and their tiny vests. When we pay $15 for a drink, are we actually paying part of your uniform dry-cleaning bill?

However, the interview turns south when Hannah makes a date rape joke ... during the interview. Note to everyone: Over-sharing on a job interview is never OK. Hopefully, Hannah will cover this in Chapter 5 of her memoir, which will appropriately be called: "That One Time I Accused a Potential Employer of Being a Rapist and Thought That It Was Totes Funny."

Meanwhile, Marnie is at the abortion clinic getting seriously upset at Jessa for not showing up on time for her appointment. I mean, how dare she? Thankfully, this means that she and Hannah get to squeeze in some conventional period talk.

"Then you're really lucky because I never know when I'm getting my period. It's always a surprise, which is why all of my underwear are covered in weird stains." I won't say who -- because that would just be rude -- but a good friend once told me the exact thing. Thank you, Lena, for making a period joke that is actually funny. Whitney Cummings can learn a thing or two in period joke etiquette.

When Marnie and Hannah aren't talking about their periods, they're talking about AIDS. Naturally. People with AIDS can live very normal lives, says Shoshanna. I mean, haven't you seen Rent? Angel and Collins had, like, the best life ever ... until Angel died of AIDS. But, hey, at least Mimi and Roger were totes OK.

"Please, I've seen it like 12 times," says obvious Rent-head Marnie. "It's basically why I moved to New York." You know what? It's basically the reason I moved to New York too. I always wanted to be the feline of Avenue B. Now, I have a feline and live on Avenue D. Pretty close, right?

But, seriously, where is Jessa? Oh, having White Russians and hooking up with tourists? Yeah, that makes sense. However, Marnie is upset that Jessa totally blew off her abortion, which leads to my favorite line of the episode, in which Hannah calls out Marnie for her own self-absorbed ridiculousness. "How could she ruin that beautiful abortion that you through?"

If she only knew that Jessa really wasn't pregnant -- as the poor boy she forced down her pants grossly realized. Hooray for more period references!

Back at the clinic, Marnie realizes that Shoshanna's biggest insecurity is that she's almost 22 and she's never had sex -- and she's never even given a blow job. For Shoshanna, this is obviously, like, the worst thing ever. Hey ladies, you're totally not a lady until you've had sex.

Fun fact: Lena Dunham recently opened up to Rookie Magazine about losing her virginity in college. "It's amazing how permanent virginity feels, and then how suddenly inconsequential," she wrote. "I barely remembered the sensation, the embarrassment and the urgency."

I can't wait for the scene in which Shoshanna finally loses her v-card. I think it will pretty much be the greatest thing ever, especially if she gets all of her advice from her "Hey Ladies Bible."

Meanwhile, Hannah is currently sitting -- legs up -- in those really uncomfortable stirrups, explaining her fear of AIDS to the gynecologist. Sumana seems to agree that the perplexed gyno is Indian, so therefore, Dunham should get credit for adding another hint of diversity.

Now, Hannah's fear of AIDS is definitely a little out-there. Unless, of course, normal 24-year-olds have a fear of contacting AIDS. Regardless, here's the most awkward gynecologist appointment conversation ever:

Hannah: If you have AIDS, there's a lot of stuff that people aren't going to bother you about. Like, for example, no one is going to call you and say, "Oh, did you get a job or did you pay your rent or did you take that HTML course?," because all they're going to say is, "Congratulations on not being dead!" And it's also a really good excuse to be mad at a guy. It's not something dumb, like, "You didn't text me." It's like, "You gave me AIDS, so deal with that forever." Maybe I'm not scared of AIDS. Maybe I thought I was scared of AIDS, but what I really am is wanting AIDS."
Gynecologist: That is an incredibly silly thing to say. You do not want AIDS. Do you know that every 35 minutes a woman is diagnosed with HIV, and a third of those women are under the age of 30 and many of them will die of AIDS?
Hannah: Are you saying that if Adam gave me AIDS, that I'm definitely going to die of it?
Gynecologist: No, I'm not saying that. Can you open up please? You could not pay me to be 24 again.
Hannah: Yeah, well, they're not paying me at all.

"Girls" airs Sundays at 10:30 p.m. ET on HBO. Here's what people thought of last week's pilot episode. What did you think of Episode 2? Will you continue watching? Let us know in the comments!

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