We can read about marriage, consider marriage, even cohabit. But in my book, we don't really know what marriage is like until we live it.
We can read about parenthood, consider parenthood, help with the children of friends and family. But we haven't an inkling what it's like until we live it. Even more so than marriage.
Divorce?
Exactly.
It's not for nothing that it's one of those Big Bad Life Events. You know - the ones they warn you about, often accompanied by anti-depressants. Even in the most civil of circumstances, divorce is an ending, and a slow one at that. Then there are all those pesky emotions - anger, bitterness, regret, anxiety - along with relief, and even exhilaration. It's rarely simple. It's never easy.
But we don't anticipate the impact on our careers. With or without children, any major disruption will put a kink in our powers of concentration, not to mention our abilities to eat, to sleep, to manage moods.
And if we have kids? And primary custody? Is divorce a career killer?
In my own life, I thought I had it all figured out. I married older, well established in my career. I'd traveled widely in my twenties, so by my thirties when I had my first child, I was more than happy to make compromises. I stayed in the workforce, accepting lateral moves with little to no travel, and tasks I could perform in my sleep. Good thing, too. When my second son arrived, that came in handy.
I ventured out into one major position, but frankly, the strain on the family proved too great. I left that job, and worked out an arrangement with another company, telecommuting in a less rigorous role. I was a full-time mom and a full-time employee. With a traveling husband, it was a viable means of "having it all."
Tiring? Sure. But worth every minute.
When trouble began brewing, something had to give. My better moments were reserved for the kids, by then in elementary school. As for resolving our marital problems, we couldn't. And in the midst of separation and divorce, a corporate layoff left me unemployed.
My career? Not a priority with everything else disintegrating.
In the wake of a drawn-out battle, I focused on my children. When the dust began to settle, finding regular employment was no longer a given. My new reality was "overeducated, overqualified, and over 40" - apparently a toxic combination. Project work and freelancing were all I could find. An irregular income, but a more fitting lifestyle in my situation.
Do single fathers face these same dilemmas?
I imagine some do. But a strange thing happens in our culture. Single mothers are a dime a dozen. We expect women to do it all, and without breaking a sweat. Single fathers on the other hand are highly praised for their responsible parenting, and sometimes (not always) employers cut them some slack.
These days, I'm still busy finishing out the single mother shuffle. I work from a home office, and take every project I can get.
My old life? It's hard to remember. This life is tougher. This life is richer.
Did divorce kill my career?
Divorce encourages us to reassess. For men and women both, adjusting career plans may become a necessity, especially when children are involved. Moving for a new opportunity may not be an option due to custodial arrangements. Traveling can be problematic - emotionally and logistically. Kids may require therapy, or simply more of our attention. For me, my sons took center stage for a number of years. It was the right thing, for us.
In my case, let's say divorce wasn't so much a career killer as it was a career shifter.
Ideally, no one should have to risk their livelihood when marriage ends. No one should have to choose between parenting and paying the bills. Given the millions of single parents in this country, employers ought to be more amenable to flexible arrangements. Wouldn't that be in everyone's best interest?
So will divorce kill your career, or shift it?
There's no way to say until you go through it. But anticipate change. It's likely to come.
Follow D. A. Wolf on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BigLittleWolf
There is so much anger around the issue of money and children, and custody and children. I hear it in your words, and I understand it. I also know my own story, and other stories. We each have a story as unique as our marriages, and that's what we all seem to forget. There is no "right" answer and no one size fits all. Only two parents acting honorably. And when one doesn't, the kids pay - and of course we do, too. Mothers and fathers who want to actively parent their children.
I don't know your story any more than you know mine. But I know your anger and your hurt. And I'm sorry for that. My guess is you love and miss your kids. It's a brutal way to live, and just one of many reasons that we all need to rethink marriage and divorce - and what comes after.
But that's just my experience.
Divorce isn't a career killer; children are career killers. They take a lot of time but they are worth it. People start careers with the idea that there are going to be two parents in the home to raise the children, but divorce isn't the only hazard to the two parent household. There's also sickness, death, injury, etc... that make child rearing more complicated.
Society gives credit to fathers for being able to go grocery shopping with the kids because society often portrays us as idiots. People don't think twice when a female says she is a single parent. When a man says he is a single parent, people are apologetic and wonder if the mother died or if she is addicted to crack. I'd much rather that people assume that I should be able to care for my girls than praise me for being able to take them grocery shopping.
Sometimes it impacts both parents. Sometimes only one. Sometimes for the short term, and other times, permanently. It sounds like your children are very young. You still have a long road ahead of you - and I wish you well as you travel it.
As for the rest of what you say, I agree wholeheartedly. And I note you said this elsewhere: "until you've known someone or have personally experienced a bad divorce, no impossibility is impossible. Anything can happen.”
Sadly, very true.
When divorce comes, especially if child support is insufficient or unenforceable, it's a whole other scenario if your capacity to earn is compromised, which it most certainly will be. Among other things, during divorce (which can go one for a year or more), you spend a great deal of time with your attorney, doing your own due diligence, and in and out of court proceedings. Looking at things from the employer's perspective, it's hard to accommodate someone whose time is pulled in so many directions.
And yes, that's true of men and women both.
I think that your article holds a cautionary tale for any parent or would-be parent, regardless of marital status. But its lessons ring all the louder for one who does it alone, whether by choice or by circumstance.
As the mother of two young boys, I can only imagine the myriad ways in which my job as a parent, not to mention my career aspirations, would be compromised if I didn't have the partner I do. Like you, I'd do what I had to do to make it work. But it's remarkable how much harder the parenting job becomes when one has to do it alone.
I fully support the right of men and women to become single parents, and I will certainly do what I can to help my friend should she decide to have a child on her own. But I also believe articles like this can help give a fair picture of what life is really like when one is flying solo.
earn money. Then what will she do? There is a good solution to this problem. She can easily
give time to her child by participating in a home based work project with an authentic
organization. Old people or diseased people also find it as a good opportunity. Home
business can be difficult as well as challenging. But it is really beneficial for many
people.
single moms
They might find greater employee loyalty results. And productivity, in the long run.
Like it was noted in the article, it is difficult, but very "rich" to be a single mom. The same cannot be said of most single dads, who only get to see their kids occasionally just because of the misconception that women make better single parents than men.
Not only do they get screwed out of time with their children, but because of that fact, they wind up holding the lions share of child support and alimony obligations because of it. So while I sympathize with single moms who are struggling to make ends meet, I think Dads have it rougher because they struggle just as much financially without the benefit of getting to see their kids grow up.
Having said that, I have a bone to pick with the notion that women are getting treated unfairly because women get primary/sole custody of the children in almost all cases where custody is contested.
I would take that over whatever negligible career benefits come from being a male in the workplace any day.
And no, we dont get any special treatment just because we are single dads if we need to take time off for our kids either.
That wasn't my point at all. My point is that when a parent has primary childcare responsibilities, work life suffers. When that scenario follows a year or more in court, tens of thousands of dollars spent in legal fees, and dealing with children who are trying to come to grips with dramatic changes in their lives, something has to give.
And it's usually the ability to earn a living.
It would be helpful if men and women both could look at this particular slice of the divorce drama pie (employment relationships), and deal with it. Not divisively over gender, but in the best interest of being able to keep children safe, loved, and hanging on to hope for their own future.
I just wanted to respond to this statement:
"Single mothers are a dime a dozen. We expect women to do it all, and without breaking a sweat. Single fathers on the other hand are highly praised for their responsible parenting, and sometimes (not always) employers cut them some slack."
Its not true. But more than that, it implies that divorce is awesome for men. All Im saying is that people should be cognizant of the very real prejudice that most men have to overcome just to be able to see their kids.
http://www.singledadfinancialhelp.com
Like you my life is richer, WAY different but so much richer.
"Do single fathers face these same dilemmas?
I imagine some do. But a strange thing happens in our culture. Single mothers are a dime a dozen. We expect women to do it all, and without breaking a sweat. Single fathers on the other hand are highly praised for their responsible parenting, and sometimes (not always) employers cut them some slack."
Maybe one of the reason single mothers are a dime a dozen is that the courts are stacked against the single father. When the percentage of fathers who get sole/primary custody starts to compare to percentage of women with sole/primary custody, you won't see the situation you describe nearly as often. And to answer your question, yes single fathers face these same dilemmas; any single parent does.
There are just as many women as men out there hopelessly addicted to drugs, unemployed by choice, and abusive parents to their kids. Yet primary/sole custody is almost ALWAYS awarded to the woman.
If it were up to me, I would be glad to trade full equality for women in the workplace if it meant men got full equality when it comes to sharing custody of the kids.
No kids? Few consequences. Have kids? Life-long consequences.
There are gross inequities in the system - the many interrelated systems - without question. And I applaud you for wishing you could share more custody with your kids. But that isn't the case for all single parents.
For me, not working during marriage / child-rearing was not an option financially. And following divorce, even more so. And yet the barriers to making a living were significant and remain challenging, even with skills and experience. I believe this is true for any single parent without assistance (family, childcare). But as I said, I believe it's more often the women who find themselves in this situation. For many reasons.
If you do some research you will find that mothers get custody more often because fewer fathers request custody than mothers. I will agree that mothers are more likely to get custody even though a father also petitions for custody. But that isn't the only reasons more mothers have custody.
And when it comes to women complaining they have nothing on men. Men are very good at making their voices heard over the injustices from the Family Court System. I think it only fair that both genders be able to express their concerns, beliefs and feelings don't you?
Only time will tell who the better single parent is BUT it is a shame that some have to make it about who the better single parent instead of the struggles met by single parents...whether it is a single father or mother.
divorcedsupport.about.com
divorcedwomenonline.com
Divorce is all about change, but so is everything else ... including, quite obviously, marriage.