This post is based on a column which first appeared at Daily Plate of Crazy.
Some of us have been off the market for a while. The dating market, that is. And we're daunted at the thought of plunging back in -- or even sticking a baby toe in the wicked waters of social interaction.
I've had more than my share of experiences in and out of the post-marital dating pool, so if you're sizing up re-entry -- my advice?
Not so fast. It's rough out there! But more to the point, it may be rough at home.
Not only do we have to recover from breakups -- the turbulence of the divorcing process -- but then there's the aftermath, and I don't just mean the first few months. Longer term, post-divorce life can bring unexpected responsibilities, ongoing dramas with exes, and recurring legal matters. We may be operating under financial burdens that make it hard to stay afloat, much less get out and socialize.
Meanwhile, struggles with self-confidence and trust -- especially for those of us who feel "wronged" -- could be threatening to suck us under.
Then there are the children. They have their own timetables for healing, and it's my belief that our responsibility is to do our best for them first, including the need to address demands for our attention, the dilemmas of divided loyalties (and homes), and riding out the inevitable testing of boundaries.
Taking a chance and getting back out there may sound like a good idea, but time and timing play pivotal roles.
Dating requires evenings or weekends which we may not have available, emotional commitment we cannot drum up, not to mention resources (money and energy) to facilitate the meet-and-greet process. In my case -- scrapping to cobble together a living and raising my kids -- by the time I ventured back into dating, age was a factor.
Middle-age.
Now, now. Let's be realistic. When it comes to marketing the feminine vehicle, the 40-something or 50-something model with kids in tow is a tough sell. Even if you're well-built and properly maintained -- it's a niche market. Supply outstrips demand, and competition is tough. You're up against the younger and rebuilt versions, not to mention those without kids, debts, and other baggage.
* They have routines. You have sitter snafus.
* They have free weekends. You have soccer practice.
* They get facials. You get ulcers.
* They grow their hair. You grow a muffin top.
Thoughts of remarriage? Are you kidding?
You're long past believing in rescue fantasies, and you barely have time to care for yourself much less another adult. And time is the key -- for exploring the self, trying new partners, allowing relationships to run their course, or putting in the effort to sustain their development.
The coffee date? That one, you seem to manage. But what about more? Do you honestly have the time to invest in serious dating, or a full-blown relationship?
When I look back at my checkered post-divorce dating history, I realize that time was a factor at least as much as timing. The occasional date -- that I could manage. But a sustained relationship? Quite another matter.
So what about sex?
Oh, you already know the answer to that. Sex is always possible, and post-divorce, highly advisable! But for men and women alike, when the newness of initial freedom wears off, you may be hoping for something more.
Maybe you have a cooperative ex and a schedule you can depend on. Maybe family can assist, or single parent friends. Sadly, some of us find that friendships disappear with divorce, and without that support and assistance -- without predictable time off from work, from parenting, and from the work of parenting -- dating options evaporate.
So hear ye, hear ye! If you find yourself female, over 40, and getting divorced -- yes, take time to heal, to figure out what you want, take care of your kids, and shore up your finances as best you can. If you've lost your network, build a new one any way possible. But don't wait years to begin the dating dance. Because 50 and looking? 60 and looking?
In my experience, it's harder. Much harder.
After 10 years of single parenting, looking at the young men my sons have become, I don't regret a moment dedicated to their best interests, though it meant my social life sat on the shelf most of the time. And as I embark on empty nest, I realize I'm not quite ready to take in stray cats or hang up my stilettos. I find (to my own surprise) that I still imagine romantic possibilities. Midlife comes with its challenges, and its opportunities, but will time and timing finally be on my side?
What is to come, of course, remains to be seen. Yet I persist in the belief that we can all evolve if we want to. We can reshape our lives and re-establish a sense of our worth. We can capitalize on the fullness of our experience, and opt to keep trying.
It may not be simple, but then -- what is?
Follow D. A. Wolf on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BigLittleWolf
Delaine Moore: Two Men in One Weekend
Kathy Barthel: University and the Cast-Off Parent
Nicole Forrester: Why I'm Relieved After Breakups
I'd rather sit at home with my dogs, in old sweats, drink a glass of wine and read a good book.
And nothing wrong with sitting at home with the dogs, the sweats, the wine and a good book for awhile! We all get back out there if and when we're ready.
Thank you for your comment.
I look forward to more of your writings!!
I know it will happen, but I don't expect to see it around every corner and under every rock. I've learned to let things be and trust in things happening at their own time, filtered through the lessons I've learned.
Have faith :-)
Wow, it sounds like your ex was awful!!
It sucks, how someone you loved and trusted, turns out to be a cold manipulative individual. My parents raised me to be strong and confident. My father was a great husband and dad. So I thought I could spot a jerk a mile away. When I came to see how bad my ex was, I lost confidence and still feel distrustful.
I believe there are great people out there. But like you, I'm not searching. When it happens, I hope that I will have learned to trust again. BUT, I won't ever believe completely again. I can't.
Good luck to you!!! : )
I have friends, and very good ones that and stuck with me while my marriage insanity was going on. They are my inspiration, sanity, humor, but still no sex. Don't have it, didn't have it for the last year of my marriage, and will abstain because I don't want to get tempted into something destructive for my son and I.
We are healing, and enjoying each other while we do it. He knows my relationship with his Mother is over but I remind him that HIS relationship with her is still there. I can be patient and wait to find the person that I can't wait to talk to, get home to, to kiss, and even watch "chick flicks" with.
A woman in her 40s who's "well-built and properly maintained" would be the perfect woman, especially with kids. Moms "get it" about being a Dad, especially ones that care about his child. Sitters, soccer and ulcers...bring 'em, because you also get love, compassion, humor, support, and family unity if you do it properly.
You sound like you know exactly what you're doing, how to navigate this next period of time. Meanwhile, might you clone yourself - or at least your attitude - a few tens of thousands of times over? The women of America would thank you.
Any wonder why there are so many horror stories in our world of "Sin-Gone-Wild" ???
I'm a firm believer in taking the time you need to heal - first. Otherwise, it's inevitable that you bring all kinds of emotions and issues into your dating life that have little to do with the person you're meeting and everything to do with post-divorce adjustments, which can be huge.
In a new state? A new job as well? There are so many things you could explore to meet people - not just men - but people, who might become friends or interesting connections. Meetup.com has all kinds of options - activity and interest-oriented, not explicitly for dating. Your local universities will have continuing ed programs, if you have time / money / interest in taking classes in almost anything. After-work museum activities (of the jazz & wine sort) - great sources for meeting interesting types! Your local community centers, church or synagogue, or getting involved in a cause you genuinely care about as a volunteer.
I know what it is to start over - in the same city - or in a different one. Not easy. But it's also a time for renewal. For taking some risks. You have nothing to lose - and everything to gain.
I
But...
At 12, kids have many changes they're going through - or are about to. The middle school years (more than high school, in my experience) can be particularly treacherous. There will be a period of growing independence, even in the best of relationships - and that's good and healthy.
As my firstborn flew the nest, my younger was increasingly FOR me dating purely for the pleasure of socializing, and also to find someone I'd be happy with - among other things, so he wouldn't feel badly about going off to lead HIS life, when he turned 18.
You may find that things evolve sooner than you realize. Both of you may want that pleasure of opening up your life to include a good man.
Whatever the future holds, thank you so much for your comment, and I wish you the best with your daughter.
Wishing you all the best, and thank you for commenting.
I'd much rather do things guys my age do with other guys like hunting, fishing, sailboat racing, cycling, restoring antique cars, flying...yada yada yada. Yes I could probably find a female that's interested in some of that stuff but then you have to deal with the potential baggage of expectations for a more "intimate" relationship and all the drag that entails. Been there -done that. Time for something different.
No sex? Been there, done that, not how I want to live my life! Sex with someone I love? Life with someone I love? I might have seen that as "drag" 5 years ago, but not these days. I see it as a privilege.
Thank you for commenting, and enjoy all those cool activities!
You never know, D.A., when you might meet someone. At 50? 60? 70? Who cares, as long as it's someone who wants to be with you, too. And I wouldn't worry about trying to compete with younger women — we can't and shouldn't. And, we really wouldn't want to be with a man who wants a younger women, now do we?
But another factor that isn't to be underestimated is circumstances - financial, logistical, medical, professional - not to mention what the other parent may or may not be doing, intentionally or not, that causes additional strain. Regardless of what we "want," any of those aspects of post-divorce life can significantly impact our dating options.
When it comes to meeting someone special anytime and anywhere - true that. Especially with an open mind and "yes" attitude. It may not be easy, but it certainly is possible!
I jumped into another relationship pretty quickly and blending families was hard enough that after that ended, I focused all my energy on my kids.
I am now also entering the stage of empty-nest and really want to get out into the dating game again. One aspect that makes it difficult? Meeting men. Online dating leaves me cold, and after over a decade out of the scene, I just dont run in many social circles anymore. I too have hope of loving again If I am not too set in my ways. I personally don't think that the younger girls have anything over us experienced girls.
You have the advantage of being young (still) - really! And don't discount online dating entirely. I think it's far more effective when you're under 45 than over (for women). And you may be surprised at the great guys you can meet.
And YES to what experience teaches us! We have much to give, but as @latrlatr commented - nor should we be seeking the Mega-Bucks White Knight.
She really wants an man in her life, but is looking in all the wrong places. Moreover, she is over active in her search. It's almost obsessive. She is burning herself out in this search.
What can I tell her to prevent some serious problems in her future ?
As for your friend's social life, maybe if she didn't look quite so hard, she would "stumble" into something good. Life can be difficult when you want to share it and there's no one there. But we can make family of our friends, and other relatives. She sounds lucky to have you in her corner.
Start a book club :)
I'm curious if the gentleman who said "no one obese" is your age(ish), or 10 years older! And who's to say he is who he says he is, or looks anything the way he describes?
Over the years, I've had to repeatedly take breaks from the dating world. Too much false advertising and "shopping" by the wrapping - by the homogeneous standards of beauty in your part of the country, and men always with the age advantage.
But I do have a strategy, and it doesn't require losing 30 pounds unless you'll feel better and healthier doing so.
Meet him anyway. What's the worse that can happen? He's a jerk, you're annoyed, you share a coffee and that's that. Maybe you're even hurt afterward. And?
We're all hurt in life, all the time.But if we don't keep saying YES to possibilities - even remote - we won't get anywhere. I've said yes to the most ridiculous meetings, but usually, I pulled something out of it - greater awareness in what I need, the ability to provide a kind ear to someone who needs it, even getting an unexpected writing gig. And occasionally, meeting a nice man.
No guarantees. Ever. It's hard and it sucks. But that's my approach these days. Sometimes, it helps.