Have you ever cheated? Been cheated on? Have you suffered some other devastating betrayal at the hand of the person you loved?
In a recent article, author Pamela Haag offers her perspective on the issue of staying with a spouse following infidelity. She comments on the range of responses to news of infidelity -- everything from considering it a "marital outrage" to feeling ashamed of sticking with the unfaithful partner. She suggests that keeping a marriage together -- keeping a family together -- warrants the effort, especially if children are involved.
And I agree.
Short of abuse, I'm an advocate for attempting to repair marital fissures -- whatever their cause. As for infidelity, it's a trickier issue than ever, with the Internet offering new opportunities for all manner of deception. And isn't it really the deception that undermines the marital bond?
Yet the fact remains that men and women cheat, and do so in large numbers.
Ms. Haag writes:
On the one hand, Americans famously disapprove of extramarital sex, although we commit it with some frequency, in anywhere from 20 to 50 percent of marriages (and the infidelity "gender gap" has now closed, with both men and women straying in roughly equal numbers).
While some wronged spouses head straight for a divorce attorney, many seek to forgive, or at least accept -- once the initial shock has worn off. Some choose to turn a blind eye if encounters are infrequent and discreet. Others may indulge in reciprocal wandering -- a sort of tit-for-tat pursuit of pleasure. Or, perhaps we take a different view, deeming extramarital activity an act of self-preservation -- unable to otherwise survive the sexless marriage, the sexually incompatible marriage, or the indifferent one.
And what about emotional affairs, once known as affairs of the heart? Is emotional infidelity as damaging as a sexual liaison? Is it less of a betrayal -- or more? Is it punished as harshly as sexual infidelity or forgiven more easily?
Many take the stance that infidelity is due to eroding communication and attentiveness, and I agree, though I don't believe that's always the case. Still, if infidelity is the symptom -- do we remain a couple out of guilt, believing that we should love better or behave differently? For women, do esteem issues keep us tied to terrible marriages or tepid ones, convinced that's all we deserve?
Are we courageous to stay? Are we foolish to blame ourselves? Do we leave as a matter of principle? Is that an act of cowardice?
Certainly, circumstances affect our decisions to work through betrayal or walk away.
For example, the alcohol-induced dalliance that takes place out of town is a far cry from a six-month affair with a close friend. We may be able to get past the former, and never move beyond the betrayal of the latter. Or, in either case, we may eventually come to view a spouse as more than his or her mistake in judgment.
As for deciding to fight for the partnership rather than against the partner, it's easy to fall back on "staying for the sake of the children." But aren't there many reasons for sticking around and sticking it out?
I could argue that emotional or physical infidelity is not only an issue of insufficient or ineffective communication, but is more likely to occur when we lose ourselves in the tedium of routine. Moreover, if we buy the notion that the role of romance is to get the girl (or the guy) and that's it -- as if once we "snag" the target, we never have to show up with a thoughtful gesture or our best selves again -- I suspect the marriage is headed for disaster.
I could argue that the occasional slip is different from a pattern of deceit, and likewise, infidelity as cause for a relationship rift is different from infidelity as a symptom of significant marital issues.
With some sources indicating that infidelity affects 30 to 60% of all (U.S.) marriages, perhaps it's time we admit to the growing confusion over marriage as an institution, our unpreparedness to enter it, our unrealistic expectations as to how it should perform, and our lack of skills to manage it mindfully.
Perhaps it's time to agree that for some, monogamy is virtually untenable, and long-term committed relationships, particularly in an increasingly narcissistic society, are in trouble.
So where does that leave us, if we're fighting our way across a gulf of betrayal?
Ms. Haag offers sound advice:
I don't think it's wise to live post-millennial marriage like a cartoon, in black and white, or a caricature, with Saints and Jerks and ultimatums.
People change. Life events happen. Some relationships will decay no matter how much of ourselves we invest. Others are salvageable -- with work, maturity, and perspective.
If marital dramas lead to divorce, let's hope we gain the presence of mind to examine our experience, learn from our mistakes, and take a hard look at our own attitudes and behaviors. Rarely is there a clear-cut hero or villain; only human beings, doing the best they can with what they know at the time.
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1.) Spouse let's herself go, gets overweight and sloppy looking.
2.) Feels that he won't be caught
3.) Woman throws herself at him while at a bar.
4.) Alcohol in combination with number three.
5.) Constantly being accused of cheating when he's not.
6.) Insecurity of the spouse combined with number 5.
7.) No sex or not enough sex from spouse.
8.) Same style of sex. (ie..no excitement or change-up)
The above are just a few main ones that I know that guys give. Women may or may not cheat for the same reasons but note that there are other different reasons she may or may no cheat. Only they know why.
Before any of you "nuts" go off on me, I will say that I may or may not believe in the reasons listed above, but in no way support them.
Although I do understand they're out there. I have nothing against people who go that way.
But them being married to a woman and doing that, is not a good thing in my book.
Money - The husband makes it. She doesn't.
Low Self Esteem - How many affairs does it take for her to wake up? He is just going to continue because he can.
The Children - How many affairs before the children are no longer a real reason but more of an excuse?
If your husband is a serial cheater, he has no respect for you. Get off of your butt, get a job, get a new life. How can you possibly justify the children as the reason for staying with a serial cheater? Children are not stupid - they know - and with age they know more than you think they do.
But "get off your butt, get a job, get a new life?"
in a country where millions of people are unemployed - and with many years of work experience - what makes you think it's so easy? For many, there is no choice but to stay.
So the playing field has changed and the risks are much higher today, yet the problem gets worse as women join the men at this "GAME". I guess I will never really understand how you can claim to love someone and then totally disregard their health. That is more of an issue than breaking a promise to me. The shear selfishness and disregard for the other. What is left to build on???
One reason, I believe, for the low number of divorces in the past is because men simply cheated and either were never caught or had their dalliances ignored by their spouse. There's no doubt that there was a sexual double-standard before the sexual revolution. But afterwards, that was lifted to a large degree, and people started to equalize the expectations between genders.
Ok, so the above narrative may be inaccurate. Nonetheless, I don't see how infidelity can be so completely avoided as society expects, and I would hope that couples more often either try to work through their problems or even have agreed to allowances for "infidelity" rather than refuse to ever forgive the spouse and hire a divorce attorney right away.
When a society and people individually understand what equality means, maybe things will start looking the way we want it to turn out in the end?
If my husband cheats with another woman, he can have the other woman right then and there. No discussion, no drama, no trying to recapture what is lost forever. If fidelity, trust and honesty means so little to him, I don't want him anyway.
I've read a lot of posts out here where people think divorce is the only way out because of the certain assumptions about love and trust. I just want to add that people behave differently in different situations. In my case, I succumbed to the temptation and thought it would be a breather for me. Honestly, I felt terrible as the affair progressed as I missed my wife even more. I still don't know why I did it. But at the end of it, my feelings for my wife are stronger. Unfortunately, it weakened my wife's feelings for me. So whoever is harboring thoughts of infidelity, please think it over before you take the final step. Unless you want to get out of the relationship, don't do it!
I could never just "get through" something like that because that significant of a betrayal of trust signifies a deeper dishonesty I'm not willing to participate in further. The point is, you choose whether you get hurt again or not. If you stay, and you do, that's on you.
It may be a physical / medical issue that affects libido, and over time, drives the other away. It may be unemployment or a devastating loss of a loved one that leaves you disoriented and needing solace from somewhere. Sex isn't always about the physical act. It's about comfort, connection, feeling wanted, feeling alive. Do you make no room for reasons or forgiveness?
I see plenty to "stay for" if it's possible to rebuild trust. That's a big if, I know - but there's shared history, merged families you love, children, a sense of belonging. And yes, there's for better or worse and that doesn't mean for better or easy.
Again, I'm not advocating staying through serial infidelity. I'm not advocating anything except thinking through our own roles in what happens in our lives, and being less judgmental of those we love, and those around us.
I don't, however, give leniency if the response to said feelings involves breaking my trust and doing something willfully, knowing it will hurt me. I honestly really don't care what the feelings were at that point. We could have talked more, we could have agreed on a separation, at least I could have been given the choice to be cheated on or not. There are always other options. Always. No one should ever have to work back up to 0, and I wish more people realized that.