Are you still looking for "the one" to set your heart on fire? The indispensable, all-powerful, absolutely-made-for-you soul mate?
Did you toss aside a perfectly loving human being, because something resembling a tiny blinker--or maybe even a fog horn--was telling or yelling that he or she was not "the one?"
I've long had a problem with the romantic and irrational notion that there is one and only one "right person" for each of us. However charming that might be in a quick beach read or some sappy relationship site, I don't buy it.
Aren't you terrified at the thought that in a world with a population of more than 6 billion, you only get one shot at a compatible mate?
A recent Psychology Today article treated the subject of soul mates, and I might say - in both humorous and intelligent manner. While it doesn't address the issue under the specific auspices of post-divorce life, it certainly touches on the dangers of the soul mate approach to partnership.
As a veteran of the divorce wars, and having been in and out of the post-divorce dating waters for many years, I've met and observed my share of men and women who operate on the principle of soul mate searching. Some are now on second (and third) marriages, and less than satisfied with their fates - and mates. Others like myself, by preference or circumstance, have avoided another trip down the aisle.
I offer no empirical data, but it's hard to overlook those who move in and out of serious relationships (or marriages) in rapid succession, sometimes as often as every year or two. In fact, I've watched in dismay as men and women I know dive headlong into serious affairs, convinced that true love is theirs at last. I am reminded of a friend - a gorgeous woman - whose post-divorce love life was a series of fiery encounters that generally went up in smoke.
In an insightful article on rapid remarriage (and why men seem to remarry more frequently and more quickly), the male tendency to fix problems gets the nod as one of the primary factors in speedy spousal replacement. We have only to look at Kelsey Grammer and Jesse James as recent celebrity examples.
When it comes to remarriage, demographics favor the men as well. Who will dispute that a middle-aged man with bank can have his pick of 20-something and 30-something women? (Kelsey Who?)
The 50-year old woman? Um... not so much.
But I wonder what else is at play. Might men be less inclined to hold out for some perfect vision of a mate? Or is the opposite true? Do men hop from bride to bride because they are still seeking "the one?"
I admit that lately I'm pondering what motivates men much more than usual; I am hoping to rejuvenate my sagging social life before all my body parts conspire to head south on permanent hiatus. So I have redoubled my efforts to figure out what makes a man tick. I keep telling myself that if I understand men to a greater extent, not only will I be a wiser single mother to my teenage sons, but perhaps I will fare better in the dating department.
So far, the jury is out. But then, I didn't explicitly send my question into the universe as to whether or not men ascribe to the Soul Mate Plan, as do so many women. Because if that's a yes, then I think I'm sunk. Perhaps I should ask here, now. Are you holding out for "the one?"
Even the ladies of Sex and the City--my Go-To Gurus for provocative relationship exploration--managed to disappoint on this dimension. Following Charlotte's troubles post perfect-on-the-outside Marriage Number One, she allowed for the possibility of a second soul mate. This paved the way for unlikely but lovable Harry, who became Husband Number Two. As for Carrie, she once mused that she had used up her two allotted opportunities in Big and Aidan. Yet as the series came to its close, Big proclaims (in Paris yet!) "You're the one."
Clearly, my post-divorce goals must have been askew: raise my kids, make a living, and rebuild a romantic life when I could. As my boys grew older (and so did I), the nature of the relationships I sought evolved. Never was the thought of "the one" part of the picture.
So I remain stymied by what we read and see that continues to support this idea that there is one person to complete us - or possibly two. Not only do I feel quite complete as I am (which has nothing to do with desiring a relationship), but I shudder at the perpetuation of the belief that our fulfillment is dependent on finding a needle in the happiness haystack.
When will we learn to take the time to assess what we want and need in a relationship? And what the person we may be seeking would want and need from us? When will we dispense with the childish expectation of one perfect person for each of us? I say - forget "the one." I prefer the many--to get to know, taking our time, and without unrealistic and damaging demands on the potential for loving partnership.
Follow D. A. Wolf on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BigLittleWolf
@Megan - Thank you for your comment. I am a firm believer in that necessary introspection. And I couldn't agree more that whatever you call that very special connection with another - it is, indeed, rare.
I'm a twice married guy, and dated for a lot of years while raising my two daughters. I'm quite happily married now, but here are a few observations. Take 'em with a grain of salt.
1. Most nice guys wonder where all the nice gals are hiding. My buddies and I would often joke about it, but it sure seems that all the nice gals are doing everything possible to stay away from men.
2. Every now and then, my buddies would oogle some really nice gal...And she was almost always in some really complicated relationship with some jerk. Come on gals, you can do better than THAT! Why do so many (nice) women seem to be attracted to "bad boys." And then, they are surprised to find that they are "bad boys."
3. Don't play head games, and stop having so damned many arbitrary rules.
4. Finally, be comfortable with yourself and who YOU are. If you don't like who you are, CHANGE, but for heaven's sake, don't pretend to be somebody you're not...Lord do I have stories about really superficial women, who think they are fooling somebody.
I imagine lots of women would say the same thing about men.
Regards.
For some of us, we continue to believe in the bell curve - extremes on both ends, and most other experiences fall somewhere in the middle. Wherever your experiences have placed you, I wish better fortune for you in the future. Truly. Including relationships that will feel right and good.
Of course, as you say, my expectations this time are much more realistic, and I am having fun dating different kinds of people. Each one has taught me so much about myself and what I want in a love partner.
A friend and I call our post-divorce dating "Take Two" where we get to enjoy our dates for who they are and not worry about finding an appropriate man to marry and have kids with. That can lessen the pressure and make it so much more fun.
Great topic!
As the passage of time has flown by, I have come to the realization, that in regards to relationships - it's an imperfect world. In the lyrics of a Reggie song, "If you run, run down your shadow, you will never catch it" and that is... what it is. Catching your shadow is an impossible task.
From what I have ascertained - and don't get me wrong, as I am far from an expert on matters of the heart... is that there are really only two relationship components needed to achieve a "soul mate" status relationship. The first is true friendship and the second is sexual compatibility.
What is true friendship? It's looking forward to conversations, laughter and "agreeing to disagree" when we do not see eye to eye and allowing each other space. And if you blend that with sexual compatibility - look out!
The bottom line is not to limit ourselves in finding the "soul mate" as we will certainly miss out and limit our life experiences. Enjoy the flavors and one day, perhaps, the right flavor will come along.
More thoughts, based on a commenter's wonderful question, if interested -
http://dailyplateofcrazy.com/2011/01/27/give-marital-advice-who-me/
Seriously. Like socks. Totally romantic, right?
:)
The idea of a soulmate is infantile, it goes along with all those Disney-view of woman as "helpless princesses waiting for the prince". Soulmates do not exist, they only appear to exist to people who are infatuated. It has nothing to do with love. The idea that there is only one person in the world for you - just silly - maybe only 1% of the people in the world would be right for you, but that would be a number of people in the 10s of millions.
What we want following divorce, and as our children grow more independent changes. I hope the one, or the many, will be there for you when you're ready. And happy with where you are now is a great start. All best.
As I read this article, I feel again how really out of this whole debate I am. You couldn't give me a man now. Plus, yes, I am over the hill. I briefly looked at men around my age on dating sites and they remind me of my grandpa or worse, my ex-father-in-law. So I totally get why an attractive man my age with money would not be interested in me. I wouldn't either, if I was him.
I've been celibate for over a year and a half and it feels great. I used to be obsessed with sex. If I never have sex again, I already had more than my share, so it's enough.
I love being able to eat the same small dinner every night, my favorite meal, and sleep alone on my futon couch (by choice, not necessity-- I could easily afford a bed) wrapped up in a down comforter. I keep my apartment super-neat, the way I like it. I don't pick up anyone else's mess or get irritated a hundred times a day. Oops, running out of words....