It's been exactly 39 days since the James Hooker story broke. Last week we learned the former Modesto, Calif., schoolteacher had an earlier -- some 14 years ago -- relationship with yet another teenager. Hooker's now in jail, and his former student and live-in lover, Jordan Powers, is headed for the hills.
Powers feels hurt, angry and betrayed, understandably so. This is what I want to tell her: "Honey, I feel your pain."
But I also urge you to take responsibility for your actions. You made some bad choices along the way, even as people tried to get you to stop and think about what you were doing. So did I, long ago.
So before you think I'm castigating you, Jordan, let me clarify: I'm not. Not at all.
Furthermore, I deeply commiserate with you: I felt the same way, after learning the man who groomed me (and whom I later married) had -- well, shall we say -- a "special bond" with several other young girls, too.
I felt this way after he became involved with one of my sisters, which I learned about not long after we married. Then again throughout our marriage, after he "made a pass" at no less than three of our underage babysitters. Finally, I felt betrayed one final time just before I divorced him, when he tried to seduce my other sister, who was then 14.
Now I have a question for any readers out there: Would you prefer the old-fashioned notion of "seduced," instead? Does that make what happened to both Jordan and me sound prettier, or less sordid? Ironically -- as ironic as Hooker's last name -- the words "grooming" and "seduction" are almost synonymous in our modern-day English.
Yet there is one key difference between seduction and grooming: The Latin root of "seduce" means "to lead away," and includes synonyms like "allure," "beguile," "entice," "solicit," and "lure." Related words are "entrap," "bewitch," and "captivate." While not entirely so, most of those terms carry negative connotations. Certainly the Latin root, "to lead away," sounds harmful.
Definitions for "grooming" include the rather sterile idea of readying someone for a specific objective ; it has as synonyms such words as: "prep," "fix," and "ready." Related words like "indoctrinate," "educate," and "train," are also cited. These words imply "grooming" is something good.
You know, Jordan, like what a teacher does with the students in the classroom.
Interestingly, Merriam-Webster's online dictionary does not include the definition of grooming that the FBI uses, which we've come to learn is synonymous with sexual child abuse.
However, another online dictionary renders grooming thus: "The act of attempting to gain the trust of a minor with the intention of having a sexual relationship with him or her."
And yet, if you look around, most women will swoon over a beloved character in a book or a movie who was seduced. We've got Hollywood to thank for that, where seduction is made to seem like its part and parcel of every romance or relationship. That same swooning is less likely to happen nowadays, though, if you substitute the term "groomed" for "seduced."
That's because "grooming" is becoming more and more widely known -- thanks to headlines about people like Hooker.
And yet, after I interviewed two well-known and reputable experts in the fields of psychology and sexual abuse and wrote about your relationship in March, some people praised their own youthful "seduction," and were upset by what they termed "pop psychology."
Given how dictionaries define "seduction" and "grooming," and how we use the words in our own language, it's easy to see how confused people might be. When people introduce me at conferences with the term "seduced," I try to reinforce the idea that what happened to me was not the romantic seduction we read about in books or see on TV: it was grooming designed to gain my trust, so that I'd want to have sex with my abuser.
That sounds like exactly what happened to you, Jordan, at the hands of an experienced instructor who was paid by the State of California to do just that -- only inside the classroom, and not at the expense of students like you! So in that respect, and given that your education by Hooker began at age 14, I'm not blaming you. I blame him. Entirely.
But here's the tricky part: You must take some responsibility for your actions: you knew Hooker had a wife and children, when you gave up "everything for this guy. I lost my senior year. I gave up all my friends at high school because they didn't agree with me."
I understand how powerful, and pleasurable, such grooming can be: the inordinate attention, the feeling of being loved by an older man who says he wants to take care of and protect you, and all of the wonderful gifts he no doubt gave you.
At some point, though, you must look deep within yourself and see what led you to need, then want, then accept that kind of attention and "love." Then you need to accept the role you played in this relationship, and use it to help other young girls to not be so easily misled. Finally, and only after you get some serious counseling for these issues, you really should consider sending a letter of apology to his family, for the pain they've endured.
Because let me tell you from experience, they won't get that from Hooker.
Even more important, though, is this: the woman you choose to be now will define the woman you will become in the future. This is your defining moment, my dear girl. Make the most of it.
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This reminds me of so many stories of girls who just could not fathom that these men will always persue what they were persuing when they became a conquest. The woman at home is merely a cover for the other victims they leave by the wayside. Unfortunately, those are the more fortunate ones. At least they got away. I'm not saying the damage wasn't done by being seduced and released, but years of betrayal to the ones who stay take their toll. And, yes, they, somehow, should know that these relationships are not honest ones.
Please let this be a matter that is brought to the attention of any innocent who may fall prey to the manipulations of men who are well aware of the fragile state of pubescent hearts and minds and may it help prevent more such instances.
Parents need to sit their children down and be frank and honest about the ability of adults only a few years older to maipulate and control them. This is their power, this is their sickness. Everyone deserves to be loved by someone who honestly loves them for who they are, not for how young they are.
Kudos to you for recognizing the essential elements in cases like this one. :-)
I love your analogy, and that's exactly what predators like this do to the parents, when a parent knows an older adult is actively seeking out their child's attention. That's what happened to my mom, and I write about this in my book because it shows how manipulative such predators can be, and how easy it is for parents to let down their guard.
I'm a grown woman who, on occasion, wouldn't mind being seduced. The very idea of being "groomed" is repulsive and offensive.
A woman who had been abused in the past is vulnerable to being revictimized by a different abuser years or even decades later because she has been "pregroomed" by her initial abuser. It is better to see the subsequent relationships as an extension of the initial abuse rather than a relationship between peers. Lack of an age difference or formal position of authority does not mean that there aren't power differentials being exploited.
Even more deeply, perhaps under certain circumstances (a vulnerable woman and a predatory man) there is no meaningful difference between dating, seduction and grooming. The purpose of a predatory man's pursuit of a previously abused woman would be to gain power and control over her in any way. Perhaps this explains the high revictimization rate of CSA survivors.
I agree, about that being a major reason why many survivors are repeatedly victimized. I believe another reason stems from them not looking within deeply enough to find out what led to the abuse, and what role their own childhood might have played, i.e., absent, abusive or alcoholic parent, and so forth, and then working on those issues.
That's what I hope Jordan will now do.
That she was unable to, though, goes to the heart of the skill and expertise behind the grooming process—and why these criminals are so successful at winning over young people.
abnormal appearance or demeanor aren't necessarily negative. traits that are unusual but not harmful don't need to be further stigmatized by associations with maladaptive behavior like teachers dating their students. there are plenty of weirdos who are wonderful people and vile people who seem attractive and innocuous.