05/08/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Dear Tyler Perry: Please Direct Ghostbusters III

Dear Tyler Perry,

As you can see from my picture, I am a white guy. Not even a cool white guy. I'm the white guy that black comedians do impressions of. And as you can imagine, like most white people, I do not see your movies.

That's not to say that they're not good. I'm sure they're fantastic. Yes, Madea looks like Larry Johnson's Grandmama, but I just don't get excited for her family reunions and trips to jail.

So, if you ever want me to watch one of your movies, please adhere to the following instructions:

1) Direct Ghostbusters III.

Now calm down, Mr. Perry. That title probably looks odd to you. Let me make it easier for you to swallow:

2) Call it Tyler Perry's I Ain't Afraid of no Ghost.

Yes, I know Tyler Perry's I Ain't Afraid of no Ghost may alienate your core audience by focusing on a bunch of wisecracking white guys wearing proton packs. But let us not forget the long overlooked Ghostbuster, Winston, played brilliantly by Ernie Hudson.

3) Focus the story on Winston. Perhaps he needs a break from all the ghostbusting to spend time with his family. Family issues are your bread and butter. Just set it in the context of paranormal activity.

4) Play all the parts. While I haven't seen your movies, I know you like to play all the characters yourself. I say dive right in. Go to town. Here are the characters you should play:

All the Ghostbusters
Stay Puft
Rick Moranis

5) Cast Gabrielle Union. She can play Gabrielle Union. It'll be a nod to the original where Annie Potts played a great Annie Potts.

With these instructions, you'll have a movie that not only appeals to your audience but will get the white butts in the seats. I guarantee that this would go down as the year's biggest box office draw. I know you're already raking it in with your Madea meets Ernest series, but this would expand your audience to include every dorky white guy - meaning it appeals to every white guy but Johnny Depp...and Tom Selleck.

I don't think this is too much to ask.

Your Future Fan,
Dan Abramson

P.S. I'd also appreciate it if you got Larry Johnson to play Madea.