<em>Gossip Girl</em>'s Dan Humphrey Is No Seth Cohen

I tried to get into Gossip Girl. I did. I was a huge fan of The OC (season 1 at least) and I even enjoyed the commercials for Chuck. It only seemed natural that I'd like another Josh Schwartz offering.

I did not. And while I should've made the realization a long time ago, I finally figured out why: Dan Humphrey is no Seth Cohen.

The best part of The OC was the character of Seth Cohen, who was splendidly played by Adam Brody. Every time he spoke, he killed. And when Ryan stopped punching Abercrombie models, Seth carried the show with his charming one liners. Women wanted him. Men wanted to be him.

Nobody wants to be Dan Humphrey.

You know who's no Seth Cohen? A guy who claims to be the Seth Cohen of a teen drama, but never says anything funny and snags a tall blonde girl that the real Seth Cohen would be intimidated by. Seth Cohens like sassy brunettes, thank you.

I usually zone out when he's onscreen, but I think maybe Dan Humphrey wants to be a writer. Well Seth Cohen already did that. He wrote comic books, which are a cooler medium. He even called them "graphic novels."

I don't even think Dan Humphrey's half Jewish. Probably never even heard of Chrismukkah. And if he has heard of it, he probably thinks it's from some stupid show that unemployed people watch on Soap Net at 4PM every day.

Anyway, where was I? What's the dad's name in Gossip Girl? You know what, I don't even care. He's no Sandy Cohen, father of Seth Cohen. That's just a damn fine gene pool right there.

And as for that Chuck Bass, there's no point in being a brooding teen if you're not gonna punch people. He's not even from Chino.

You know who knows a guy from Chino?