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21 Things Bush Does After Leaving the White House

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1. After a car loaded with drunken teenagers from Crawford careens onto his ranch and knocks down two silos, he fire-bombs a home in Waco.

2. Orders new dictionary to be printed up specially for the Bush Presidential Library, correcting pronunciation of "nuclear" to "NOOK-yuh-ler"; changes name to the Bush Presidential Liberry.

3. Replaces the family physician with a former frat brother named Doc, who isn't a real doctor but who took a CPR course when he was a lifeguard.

4. Gives raises to the highest-paid members of his household staff and cuts pay of all others, explaining that the raises of the highest-paid will trickle down to them.

5. Is unable to hire an architect to renovate the master bathroom in the new Dallas house when he insists on adding a signing statement to the contract.

6. Is initially gratified to learn, upon returning to civilian life, that his approval rating among Bush family members has risen to 52%, but is disappointed to find that Jeb's remains at a steady 98%.

7. Finally finds time to clear the decks, sit down in a cozy corner and finish reading My Pet Goat.

8. Puts a tap on Laura's phone after he hears her expressing an interest in muslins.

9. Still doesn't understand all the ruckus about Habeus Corpus, believing it to be a suburb of Corpus Christi.

10. Confides he was never worried about impeachment because he always thought it had something to do with putting up preserves.

11. Hires a third-grader from a local Girl Scout troop to house-watch his parents' home, but she fails to notice a running faucet in an upstairs bathtub, so water floods the downstairs floor, causing $50,000 worth of damage. "Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job," he reassures the frightened girl.

12. Saws a large tree near his garage almost completely through at its base, but neglects to take it all the way down; is surprised when it falls in a wind storm two weeks later and crushes his pickup. Swears he never saw it coming.

13. On a trip to England, impulsively rings up Stephen Hawking, a long-time personal hero of his, addresses him as Steve-a-rino and asks if he'd like to go on a 10-k run.

14. Is turned down by Yale when he tries to get a gig at his old alma mater, teaching "a few Shakespeares."

15. Embarks on an international tour as a stand-up comedian, but bombs in Iran.

16. Declines an invitation from the newly-formed Baghdad Bombers baseball team to throw out the first shoe.

17. Helps found the Deregulated Baseball League, which gets off to a rocky start when teams playing without umpire supervision don't follow the honor system, and when unregulated limits on strikes and balls result in innings that last about a week.

18. Helps fund the Council of Conservative Science Folks, who announce their intention to prove that dinosaurs were on Noah's ark, and that sperm cells feel pain.

19. Helps privatize the Crawford Police Department, which adopts a scale of fees to investigate various crimes and charges perpetrators an arresting fee, and the Crawford Fire Department, which begins charging $500 per house call, $2 per gallon for water, and a $2500 per person rescue fee.

20. Has to tell Cheney twice to stop faxing him to-do lists and talking-point memos every morning, then feels strangely lost without them.

21. Finds that clearing brush is really just about all that he can handle.