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Obama Could Do Better: Birth Certificate Is a Poor Effort at Forgery

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You'd think he'd be smarter than this.

After years of controversy, "President" Obama attempted to quiet critics today by releasing his full "birth certificate," and I've never felt so insulted. I thought the most powerful man in the greatest country on earth would know somebody who could properly forge a birth certificate. Instead, Obama produces a slapdash farce that couldn't get him into most bars, let alone the Oval Office.

First of all, just look at the thing. It looks like it was typed in 1961, the year he was born. That means Obama must have downloaded Old Typewriter Font to work up this sham, as if we wouldn't know such a font exists.

And the place names on this "birth certificate" sound like they were made up by a four-year-old and her imaginary friend. Kalanianaole Highway? Kapiolani Hospital? Honolulu? Was this guy born in the midst of a national consonant shortage? I think not.

Of course, Obama did include some information that we know to be true, to add the slightest element of believability. The certificate lists his father's race as "African" and his mother's race as "Caucasian," his father's birthplace as "Kenya, East Africa," his mother's as "Wichita, Kansas."

This would appear to confirm Obama's mixed race background, or as we birther geneticists call it, "Oreo." But I know another story about a white woman from Kansas getting involved with different looking men from a far off land, and that story turned out to be a lie too.

Furthermore, other aspects of this "birth certificate" would call Obama's lineage into question. Under "Full Maiden Name of Mother" it says "Stanley Ann Dunham." He expects us to believe that his mother's first name is Stanley? How much effort did he put into this? Everyone knows Stanley isn't a woman's name, it's a carpet cleaning product's name. But that's just so typical of Obama, isn't it? He's been playing the race card since the day he got into politics, so it's not surprising that he would now claim carpet cleaner heritage too.

Then comes the piece of resistance. As if the bumbling nature of the forgery weren't enough to tip us off, Obama leaves in a signal, a subtle nod to all of us that lets us know we're all in on the "joke." Follow me... The birth certificate number is 61 10641. Add those digits up and you get 19. The birth certificate file number is 151. Subtract 19 from 151, and you get 132. Ah hah! Why is 132 significant? Because if you subtract just six more you get 126, and guess which nation is 126th when you list them in alphabetical order? KENYA.

I pity the poor citizens who would call that a coincidence.