Okay, bear with me, folks. This is the very first blog I’ve ever written. Actually, to be totally honest, it’s the second blog I’ve ever written. I tried my first one back when I signed up on Myspace.com. I did it on kind of a whim but all the kids were doing it. Besides, as an insomniac I tend to do a lot of writing at 4am. Not very good writing, but I figured how good does a fricken’ blog have to be? (Sorry fellow blogsters.) So that fateful morning I began pounding away on the keys like a man possessed. My stream of consciousness swelled to practically a raging river. I was on auto-blog! By sun-up, it was done. I sighed contentedly and then clicked “send”. So just imagine the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when the error message suddenly appeared on my screen, thus flushing away my hours of work like so much cyber poo. Why? Why Dear God Why?! My first born was no more. I knew at that moment exactly how Pharaoh must have felt. It was then and there I swore to never blog again. Frankly I was disgusted with myself that I had even tried. It seemed like such a self indulgent pursuit anyway. Like leaving your journal out for all to see. I mean, there’s a reason they are called innermost thoughts. Because they are supposed to reside inside you! I came to dislike even the word “blog”… used as either a noun or a verb.
So why then, you might ask, am I here? Is it because of a burning desire to voice my well thought-out social and political views alongside the best and brightest? Is it because I am ultimately an egomaniac with an insatiable need to be recognized among the intellectual elite? Is it to beseech you all to watch “Starved”, the bold and funny new television series which I executive produced for the FX network… premiering this Thursday, August 4th at 10pm… repeating immediately that same night at 11pm? In all honesty, it is for none of these reasons. Well, at least not totally for any of these reasons. My real motivation is my beloved wife, Amy. She is frankly obsessed with the Huffington Post. She will spend endless hours in front of the computer and then, when I finally get my turn… usually after she has gone to bed… I find I have received numerous emails from her, which are simply just links to articles from the Huffington Post. The following evening, when she and I take our dogs for their ritual evening walk, she wants to discuss the content of the articles. So Amy, here’s my chance to get a few thoughts into the rotation. Sort of the marital equivalent of the equal time rule. As for the rest of you, please grant me your kind indulgence with regard to my upcoming essays “Why Women Should Watch Sports With Their Men”, “Why a Sports Car is Totally Practical” and the seasonal favorite “Why Australia Makes Much More Sense for a Christmas Vacation Than a Visit to See the In-Laws in Modesto.” You know, I think this whole blogging thing might just work out for me, after all. Now I’d better proofread this thing before hitting sen…