The recent release of sensitive emails between power players inside Sony Pictures has sent shockwaves through the Hollywood community. It has pulled back the curtain on private and charged exchanges that were never meant to be yanked out into the light of day. But these kinds of venomous missives being hurled back and forth between the rich and powerful are not new. WackiLeaks ™ has unearthed a treasure trove of similar correspondences from the email accounts of notable figures going back for many years. Below is one such chain. They too must have assumed their accounts were secure, given the frank nature of the content.
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From: Henry VIII, King
Sent: 18 January, 1533AD
To: Clement VII, Pope
Subject: Annulment
Dear Clem,
I hope this email finds you well. I am fine, although I'm getting a little concerned about my weight. Hey, quick question. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind getting me a little papal decree for an annulment of my marriage to Catherine. No biggie but you'd really be doing me a solid.
Thanks man,
Hank
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On 18 January, 1533AD, Pope Clement VII wrote:
HVIII-
I'm ok. Although that prick Martin Luther is still a major thorn in my ass. Anyhoozle, the annulment is pretty much a non-starter. Sorry bro. What gives? You've always been able to get all the action you ever wanted on the side. Why after twenty plus years? Have you and Catherine looked into counseling?
As for the weight, I have found the only way to keep it under control is diet and exercise. Horseback riding is actually surprisingly good cardio.
Take care.
-CVII
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On 21 January 1533AD, King Henry VIII wrote:
I have no interest in counseling. She'll survive the annulment. I don't want to waste any more time on this. After this long without a male heir, what she brings to the martial bed is little more than a useless wank. I strongly implore you to reconsider.
Hank
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Henry tried reaching out to Clement about the matter several more times. Following Henry's last transmission, there was a long silence. Until...
On 19 February1533AD, King Henry VIII wrote:
Dude. What gives? I have been trying to reach you for weeks. Do not shut me down on this Catherine thing.
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On 19 February 1533AD, Pope Clement VII wrote:
Do not fucking threaten me. Do you even know what's been going on over here in Rome? If you're still looking for an annulment, the answer remains no.
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On 19 February 1533AD, King Henry VIII wrote:
What the hell are you talking about? Who's threatening you? And I don't give two shits about what's going on in Rome. In fact, I can't give two shits period. I'm so bloated from constipation that I can barely sit on my throne. So if I want to be rid of this useless hag and marry another, it should be my prerogative to do so.
I may have an enormous appetite, but I have no appetite for your nonsense. Now hook me up and let's get on with our lives.
His Royal Highness King Henry VIII
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On 19 February 1533AD, Pope Clement VII wrote:
Do not shut me down.
That is what you said.
Rather imperious language, don't you think?
It sounded like a threat to me.
You have clearly forgotten how this works.
You may have a crown on your head, but I have a very tall hat.
Request denied.
Again.
His Supreme Holiness Pope Clement VII
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King Henry returned fire. Big time.
On 28 February 1533AD, King Henry VIII wrote:
This is the last communication we are going to have on this.
You're involving yourself in this massive and pointless drama that is beneath you. It's not a great thing to make anybody feel insignificant but that is where I am and since I don't like it or respect it, my only choice is to withdraw. Therefore you have left me no other recourse but to break with the Catholic Church and go into business for myself.
You've destroyed your relationships with half the rulers around the world over your behavior. If you don't think it's true, wait and see. Let's see what support you enjoy from Charles V. I'll bet my palace I'm right.
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Clement forwarded this to a colleague within in the church with one terse directive. "Excommunicate him". Henry went on to create the Church of England of which he assumed the role as The Supreme Head on Earth. He declared his marriage to Catherine invalid and married Anne Boleyn.