THE BLOG
06/03/2014 01:28 pm ET | Updated Aug 03, 2014

Back to School

A few weeks ago, I went back to school. Since I've got two boys, a gas guzzling SUV and hate to wear a bra, I opted for online classes. I actually turned the "spare bedroom"/"laundry room"/"where we shove anything we don't know what to do with room" into a little office for myself and got all ready to learn me something. I just forgot about one thing... I hate online classes.

For one thing, I keep being mistaken for a man. I guess unless I'm seen in the flesh, people automatically assume it's a guy sitting behind his computer screen... probably wearing khaki shorts with crew socks and an adjustable baseball cap.

The other problem I have with online classes is that I lack of any type of self-discipline and usually end up doing a lot more online shopping than actual work. Plus, it turns out I'm not nearly as computer savvy as I thought I was. When compared to my mother, yes. I'm Bill Gates. But trying to navigate through this whole blackboard thing is the equivalent to me learning to fly an airplane.

To make matters worse, it turns out there are also these weekly collaborate sessions that we are required to participate in. I don't even know how to do Skype. Forget Skype. I can't even take a selfie. I've tried and it's just too much chin, or I just look like a fathead. I don't where to look. I don't know how to smile. How am I supposed to partake in some virtual class meeting thing?

Plus, my computer sucks. It's old as shit and I'm pretty sure it has a virus. It's those damn emails. They get me every time. "You've Won The Million Dollar Jackpot!" "Earn Up To $500 A Day From Home!" "Buy Prescription Drugs Online!" All lies! There's never really any sweepstakes or real medication. It's just some creep infecting my my crappy laptop. I tried to update my anti-virus software, but my computer is too slow. My computer is too slow because I have a virus. I have a virus because my anti-virus software hasn't been updated. It's a vicious cycle.

So naturally, when I go to log on to my first collaborate session, I get a message that this dinosaur I'm attempting to use isn't compatible and I need to install a program. Of course at this point I'm already running late for my "class" -- that I'm taking at my house. It actually ended up working out, because it was at this point that I realized I was wearing a stained, old t-shirt and needed to change into something more appropriate. So while my computer was downloading the software, I turned around and grabbed a new shirt. Then, just as I was lifting the gross shirt over my head, I glanced back to see what kind of progress the installation was going only to see a mirror image of myself looking back at me.

On the upside, I'm no longer being mistaken for a man.