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Daniel Cubias

Daniel Cubias

Posted: July 28, 2008 05:03 PM

A Matter of Self-Preservation


Here in the Midwest, we are currently broiling under the searing glare of the July sun. The summer heat wave has provoked me to take a moment to consider the implications of warmer weather.

Of course, it is beyond all reasonable or scientific doubt that global warming is occurring and that humans are at least partially to blame (for the love of all that is good and holy, please do not try to debate this point; we'll get nowhere).

But let's assume, for the moment, that all the carbon offsets, recycling efforts, and Prius sales in the world do not succeed in cooling the planet off. The holes in the ozone layer get bigger and bigger, and the ultraviolet rays pour through faster and faster. What then?

Well, in this new superheated, toxically charged cauldron of a planet, being dark-skinned will be an advantage. The duskier our exterior, the better our defense against the sun's punishment.

The natural question, then, is will we see a new super race of the pigmented-enhanced in the future? Should you go ahead and mate with a Latino or black person now to ensure that your children (your genetic legacy) have a bare minimum of protection on a sun-baked Earth? And what can a white supremacist say when being pasty is so yesterday (evolutionarily speaking)?

The consequences are clear: You either get behind attempts to combat global warming, or you start trolling the personal ads for a mate with a solid amount of melanin.

Actually, in either case, it is always a good idea to take on a Hispanic lover. So damn it, go out and pick up a rugged caballo or a fine mamacita today.

Your children will thank you.