Cancer has been the biggest teacher of my life. It taught me the power of love. You see, about a year ago I was lying in a hospital bed unable to digest any food, enduring three fevers a day and down to 110 pounds -- I finally decided to pay attention to life. I said to myself, "I am here for a reason and that reason is beyond this suffering I am experiencing."
I said directly to life, God and the universe, "If I am going to stay on this earth, I do not want to suffer." I continued my conversation with life and expressed that this suffering thing was not for me. It is not chic, not something I signed up for and please take me off the guest list of this party called suffering, Let's end this party now, I have had enough.
"Thank you for 32 wonderful years on this planet, but if this is what you have in store for me, thank you, but no thank you. I am absolutely okay with the possibility of dying and seeing what life has to offer after death."
I was completely at peace with the possibility of death. Then I thought, "Oh, hold on life. One more thing, and please bring peace to my family, friends and loved ones. Please let them know that I wish them peace, and also let them know that I passed away in peace."
I laid in that hospital bed, ready to pass over to the other side, to whatever the other side is. At that point I knew it had to be better than the suffering I had been experiencing for nearly eight months being in and out of my doctor's office and the hospital. In that instant life spoke to me. I heard a very distinct voice speak to me, for a split second I thought OMG God is speaking to me!
Then I realized this voice sounded very much like my own, and this voice said, "My will is not for you to suffer." I said, "Excuse me?" And there was that voice again, "My will is not for you to suffer." And in that moment, in that instant, my life began. I started living and I stopped existing. I realized that I had a choice to make. At that moment, I realized that the choice was all mine in this game we call "Life," and I politely responded to life, and accepted that it's will was not for me to suffer.
Life does not want us to suffer it wants us to live in full energy. From that moment on, I started applying the process of living in full energy, the process of life.
I started by consulting that voice again: "Hey are you still there?"
The voice replied, "Yes I am here."
Me: You sound a lot like me.
The Voice: Well, that is because I am you.
Me: Hmm, I am confused, I feel like I am talking to myself.
The Voice: You are talking to yourself, to your most authentic self. Some call me the spirit of ultimate love or the soul.
Me: Oh hey authentic self, spirit of ultimate love -- wait is that what soul stands for? Spirit of ultimate love?
The Voice: Perhaps, does it resonate with you?
Me: Hmm soul, spirit of ultimate love, definitely resonates with me. So, I heard you say that your will is not for me to suffer, and I appreciate that, because I have tell you, this suffering thing, is not for me.
The Voice: Well yeah, it was not meant for anyone. Not one single person on this planet. So sure, let's talk.
Me: So, where have you been all this time?
Authentic Me: I have been in your heart this whole time, that's where I live.
Me: So, you have been with me since I was born.
Authentic Me: I have been with you since before you were born.
Me: Of course, because if you are in my heart, my heart was there before I was even born.
Authentic Me: Yes my dear.
Me: You sound interesting. So wait, how do I make sure I stay in touch with you all the time? I have many questions I have to ask you about this process called life.
Authentic Me: Always remember to consult your heart, remember that is where I live. You see, there has been a collective misconception amongst humanity, and everyone is out there thinking about things, and when it comes to the process of life, if you are thinking about it, you are consulting your mind about it. How can you consult your mind when the process of life is a matter of the heart? I mean literally. Life is a matter of the heart, isn't it? It is not a matter of the mind. When it comes to life, you don't have to think about anything, you shouldn't be consulting your mind about the process of life, rather you should be consulting your heart.
Me: So you're basically telling me to stop thinking?
Authentic Me: Yes, stop thinking. Stop thinking and start consulting your heart. In the heart is stored wisdom beyond anything you can think of. I have an infinite amount of wisdom that can last you lifetimes; in the mind you only have information you have gathered since you were born. Thus, if you apply the process of consulting your heart about every aspect of your life, you have nothing to think about. Every aspect of your life is already written. You just have to consult your heart. I have been sitting here trying to get your attention for many years now. I am glad you're finally paying attention. I'm sorry it took you being in a hospital bed to get your attention.
Me: I am paying attention. You sound like you are God or something.
Authentic Me: Well I am your authentic self; I am one with the energy you refer to as God.
A week later I was out of the hospital and my doctor calls me in to tell me I had stage IV Hodgkins lymphoma cancer, at that very moment, I started applying the process of consulting my heart. The journey of consulting my heart has been the most soulful experience of my life. I became life. While I was lying in the hospital bed surrendering to life and accepting the inevitable, death, that many of us are so afraid of, I activated my spirit of ultimate love. By allowing the energy of love to enter my inner space, it forced me to pay attention to life, and to learn about my authentic me, which is now my default setting. Love healed me. Healed me in areas of life I didn't even know needed healing.
So yes, I scream out loud, "Thank you, cancer!" You've activated my soul. My soul, my authentic self, is active and living in full energy. So how can I not be thankful for this journey? My gratitude truly extends beyond words. The "love" and the "energy of love" which cancer has brought into my life, has given me life! That energy of love is a healing energy and every single person who has a beating heart has this energy. This energy is our life given right, we have the power to transfer this energy and heal ourselves, and others. So I write again, how can I not be thankful? Let me be clear, this is not my attitude, but my reality. Every single one of us has the ability and capability to choose our reality, and I choose this reality.
So, if it so happens that you are diagnosed with cancer, I am here to tell you from an experiential point of view, not from observation or scientific research but from experience, cancer may be around but the suffering does not have to come with it.
Please do not fight cancer. Rather accept it. Hear me out when I say that, when you choose to fight something, anything, there is a chance you may lose, yet, when you surrender to any battle, the fight is immediately over. The power of surrendering is one of the main reasons why I was able to go through cancer and chemotherapy with such ease.
I often see cancer awareness promotional posts promoting the "fight against cancer," or as I have seen on one of my favorite artist/entrepreneur Puff Daddy's Instagram posts containing the words "fuck cancer." Although I understand the intention is good, I urge all of you, all of us, to please stop spreading the propaganda that we have to "fight cancer" or to "fuck cancer," because if you fuck cancer it might fuck you back, and it may not be the type of fuck you are looking for.
Rather I urge all of you, all of us, to start promoting the power of accepting cancer, let's promote an acceptance to cancer, let's promote a "salute to cancer." Let's change the discourse in hopes of raising awareness. The discourse was important part of my healing process. Everyone around me in my inner circle, my "love heals" crew as I called them knew to keep the discourse away from fear and "fighting," the discourse was always about acceptance and healing and the results were just that, a soulful awakening.
I will start by saying cancer "I salute you." If you choose to fight cancer you are choosing to fight the process of life, because the fact of the matter is, that instant you are diagnosed with cancer that is now apart of your life, thus fighting cancer becomes fighting life.