01/08/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Gossip Girl Live Diary

Hey Spotters and Spottees, we're coming to you with a live diary of Gossip Girl. Now for a year and half, I belittled any human being soulless enough to watch this show. Then I actually watched an episode. And I realized it's not the beautiful people, absurd contrivances and utter disregard for the geography of New York that make the show great - it's the irresistible urge to scream at your television. Here's what I was yelling about on Monday night:

7:59 Didn't the teaser at the end of last week's episode ruin this week's big "surprise"? We'll see. But I have a feeling that Chuck Bass is about to be very wealthy.

8:00 I already miss Beta Bass from last week.

8:01 Before we get started, let me put just put down my copy of the New York Journal.

8:02 Count me as a fan of Serena's breakfast-wear.

8:03 Love Wallace Shawn. I'm setting the over/under at 3 for how many more episodes until Blair comes up with some half-baked scheme, and Wallace Shawn yells "Inconceivable!". And as long we're referencing old movies - was Dorota in March of the Penguins?

8:04 Serena, only one shoulder strap for your step-father's funeral? If Bart and her mother were simply dating, would she go topless?

8:04 You know who should really be fired? The doorman in Serena's building. He lets up Dan and Aaron every single day without so much as a warning.

8:05 Rufus and Lily adhere to the age-old tradition of park chatting: walk until you get under an archway, then stop and face each other. Must be in the Actors' Guild contract. And for the record, it's supposed to be December and Lily's only wearing a sweater.

8:08 Why was Lily hospitalized in France??!?! Spill it, already! If we could get Jack Bauer into the Palace Hotel, this episode would be over in ninety seconds.

8:11 Dan shoves it in Aaron's face that he got Serena's text first. Not the only thing he got first.

8:12 Jesus J. Humphrey! A diaper covers more leg than that skirt.

8:14 I think Chuck Bass just locked up the Emmy with his drunken attack on Dan. Voters, you can throw away the rest of your screeners.

8:18 My roommate has never seen the show and is asking a lot of questions. Is there anything more embarrassing than correctly explaining the show's relationship flow-chart to a novice?

8:23 Blair says she's turning Jewish. Guess she waited more than ten minutes before barfing that bagel and lox.

8:30 Oh god, Blair should refrain from running from now on. Maybe Dorota taught her.

8:31 Blair finally tells Chuck she loves him...right after he inherited a bajillion dollars.

8:35 Dan doesn't know how to say apricot. And what are he and Serena doing strolling around the junkyards of Queens?

8:36 Blair comes with some serious thunder: "only a masochist could love such a narcissist". Yes, kids, it's alright to pause the show to get your dictionaries. What's that? You don't own a dictionary? Oh, you have one on your phone? That's fine, too.

8:37 Serena walks in on her mom revealing her love for Rufus. Couldn't this family eliminate all of their problems if their elevator didn't open into the living room?

8:46 Someone might want to tell the actor who plays Aaron that there is a camera in the room. This camera spins a celluloid material called film that is often used to capture the expressions and emotions of real people playing fictional characters. He looks like he's in line at the DMV.

8:49 Dorota got spruced up for the wedding...and she's hot!

8:50 Sly move by Rufus, bringing the guitar to his romantic getaway with Lily. Maybe he can sneak away for some more alone time with it.

8:52 How did they get Chuck to cry? Made him watch footage of a fat person burning money.

8:55 Okay, at this point, I can not imagine a conceivable explanation for Lily's secret being so powerful. Is she like the dude from Pushing Daisies? Was she a man? Was she a Nazi?

8:58 Hmm, so Lily gave away her and Rufus' baby. I don't see how this is life-altering news to anyone but Rufus. Bart already knew he was living with another dude's baby mama. And poor Chuck paid a fanny-pack full of money (or sunscreen, chapstick and Kleenex) to find this out? Weak. Unless this child is alive. And in New York. And inclined to get mixed up in the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

We shall see.

Until next time - (trying not to do it...reaching for a tranquilizer gun...oh, screw it) XOXO