The situation in Dallas, Texas is drastic. Millions of men are outside of their houses playing with their children, feigning a sort of happiness that can't possibly be genuine.
It is November 13th, 2011, and there is no football.
(Well, high school and college football are still going on. And you can watch the UFL and the Canadian Football League if you want to, so let me clarify:)
It is November 13th, 2011, and there is no NFL.
Americans have hardly been able to cope with the void, desperately grasping at something, anything to hold their interests -- even their close family.
But what will they talk about during Thanksgiving?
The city of Philadelphia, mostly known for being amongst the most ruthless sports towns in the country, has had no means for angst and anger as a result of the Eagles not playing. The lack of athletic disappointment in the city has rendered the nickname "City of Brotherly Love" sadly, no longer ironic.
The American public was long unsure of whether to place blame on the players or owners for the lockout until late August, when the Republican-controlled House of Representatives passed legislation blaming President Obama.
Because of what was deemed to be the President's "America hating" agenda, husbands are now forced to partake in "us time" on Sunday's rather than "game time." The result of which has been catastrophic--the divorce rate in America has plumetted down 200 percent, sending helpless divorce lawyers scrambling for business.
Families have gone further than just spending horrible non-Seahawks related time amongst themselves, they've now even begun asking a question that our population hasn't even pondered in almost 30 years: "Who are my neighbors?"
In mid-September areas surrounding Chicago began engaging in communal activities that past cultures referred to as "block parties." The depressing excuse for entertainment simply comes nowhere close to being as fulfilling as a Devin Hester punt return. It has spawned increased safety and even sponsored programs as neighborhoods congregate and openly discuss ways to improve the area they live in, and not the Bears chances against the Vikings.
Because the Bears and Vikings will not play this year.
The horror!
With sports bars going out of business and nothing to watch on TV aside from Rich Eisen's slow, downward spiral towards complete insanity on the NFL Network, the nation has become far more physically active.
In the advertiser coveted male 18-34 demographic alone the life rate has increased by an average of 2.5 years. A consumer base that usually purchases billions of dollars of beer during the football season is now preferring to drink water as they leisurely jog around their local park on Sundays. Budweiser's attempt to respond to market trends by introducing a line of the beer-flavored water known as "Bud Light Clear" has proven disastrous financially for the Belgian-owned brewery.
Hundreds of millions of football fans of all professions have had their most beloved time waste...I mean, hobby...ruthlessly taken from them: Fantasy Football. A normal Fall work day in America once consisted of hours of statistical research and dozens of transactions in order to improve the playoff chances of "Revis and Butthead." Now, tragically, American's are left with absolutely nothing to do at their place of work--except work.
In completely unrelated news, the American economy is performing at it's most efficient rate in 15 years.
Granted with the economy booming, the population becoming healthier and families growing closer together, life in America may seem like a touchdown right now.
But without football on Sundays, what's the extra point?