I'm here reporting live off of the coast of Kentucky at the 2052 Republican National Convention, where presumptive nominee Bristol Palin is preparing to take the floor.
The past couple of days have been a whirlwind of excitement on the news that Palin is officially ready to announce that the party will adopt the idea that global warming might possibly, perhaps, be a thing. The Republican base has held strong on its conviction in recent decades despite facing rising tides and temperatures that have easily surpassed the projections of nearly every climate change scientist. But with the rain finally dying down and the weather shifting to a balmy 126 degrees, most are in agreement that the timing and setting surrounding the speech couldn't be any better.
But of course it's not the content of the speech by Ms. Palin that is exciting the party, but the fact that there is a speech being delivered at all.
There has been a de facto ban on speeches by Republican presidential nominees at RNC events since 2016. As most know, this was the fateful year when then-presidential nominee Donald Trump began laughing maniacally at the podium while announcing that he was in fact a Democratic sleeper cell sent to drain away as much credibility as possible from the GOP. Things only escalated that evening when Trump then announced that he could not even run for president as he was in fact born in South Africa, while clumsily waving his falsified birth certificate at the shocked crowd.
Palin badly lost the human vote to primary opponent Honey Boo Boo -- the Republican senator formerly known as Rand Paul who made the controversial decision to legally change his name to appeal to the party's base -- in many states. She was able to secure party's endorsement easily, however, by racking up the vast majority of corporation votes, which of course count for 999,999 more votes each than human votes, calling to mind Mitt Romney's 2012 inaugural address where he proudly proclaimed "Corporations are better people, my friend."
The convention theme this year is "We Are America-er," which marks the first time in many decades it has not used the sponsored theme of "We Built This" -- 'we,' of course, referring to the Koch Foundation, which decided to split with the party upon rumors of climate change acceptance emerging. In recent weeks Palin has been hot on the campaign trail blaming high food, flying car and solar panel prices on President Obama.
"President Sasha Obama has repeatedly proven through policy that the American people -- the better American people -- are not the country's top priority," Palin said while wearing a suit adorned in logos at a recent recorded hologram appearance in the last remnants of Florida. "As president, I'm going to ensure this party and this country remembers what really matters -- the great savings you can have by switching to Geico."
Ms. Obama has come under fire most recently for her initiative to re-adopt Texas as a state only a decade after it, in rapid succession, declared its independence, eliminated all taxes, sold all of its natural resources, built a football stadium over what was once "Dallas," went bankrupt and requested to rejoin the union.
If Palin were to win the presidency, she would become the fifth female president of the United States, and eighth former reality TV show star to hold office.
Palin is now making her entrance! The dozens of CEOs who comprise the audience are going wild as she approaches the podium.
"Ladies, gentlemen, Wal-Mart..."
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