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INFOMERCIAL: Introducing 'Liberty' by the GOP!* (*Some Restrictions Apply, Not Available to All)

10/10/2013 02:13 pm ET | Updated Jan 23, 2014
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Are you frustrated? Tired of gridlocked government? Wish this whole shutdown thing would just end?

Introducing: "Liberty," the traditional word utilized by conservatives that can mean whatever you want it to!

Tangible legislative goals can require exhausting amounts of time and compromise in order to come to fruition. But all that work can be replaced by simply repeating the word "liberty" with no real context or ultimate goal!

Brought to you by the same old white men who co-opted the phrases "patriotism," liberty is the new exclusive term sweeping the nation in an effort to arbitrarily differentiate one group's set of values from another.

How does mindlessly inserting the word "liberty" into statements in order to back your position work? Great question, here are some testimonials from a few satisfied users:

"There is only one kind of freedom and that's individual liberty."
-Ron Paul

"Are we a country that is resigned to whatever liberty the government decides to dish out?"
-Mitch McConnell

"We believe, as our founders did, that 'the pursuit of happiness' depends upon individual liberty."
-Paul Ryan

"What I love about New Hampshire and what we have in common is our extreme love of liberty... You're the state where the shot heard round the world in Lexington and Concord."
-Michele Bachmann

The secret is a combination of classic government obstruction with new-age state of the art Rove-ian word identification that makes even the most wildly misinformed position sound defensible.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE:

The best part about the use of the word liberty is that it can mean anything from not having to pay a fair share of taxes in order to maintain a functioning society, to refusing basic health care to those without insurance so that their lives are destroyed by debt -- it's up to you! But more importantly, with the simple use of "liberty," you can neglect to offer up any real or meaningful ideas to progress society forward.

Suffering from nuanced thoughts such as: "I want to enact several policies that will only be able to become law if the Supreme Court was to re-review campaign finance reform so that our broken political system is no longer corrupted by campaign contributions that dictate the voting interests of our elected officials"?

Booooring!

Simply replace that bogged down stance with a few shouts of "I'm defending liberty," while holding up a pocket constitution and "Hello, 2016!"

Only with "liberty" is it possible to halt how the entire government has functioned for centuries -- putting the economy, and not to mention lives, at risk -- while still maintaining that you're simply upholding the vision of the Founding Fathers.

No further explanation required!

Plus, clean up is a breeze! With just a couple of months of laying low, the 24 hours news cycle will easily distance you from any incorrect comments you've made.

By citing "liberty" you're implicitly saying that those who disagree with you are against it. And thus a corporation paying taxes is an infringement on liberty, but eliminating social services and safety nets so that large communities are trapped in a cycle of poverty is most definitely not.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!

Proponents of the word liberty will also be free to use the similarly obtuse term American exceptionalism!

Need a reason to rationalize the U.S. disobeying international law while ignoring catastrophic conditions domestically? Easy, silly. We're exceptional!

BUT HANG ON!

If you indiscriminately start using the word "liberty" now, you can also use the word socialism interchangeably with no regard for what the concept actually means!

Insurance donors urging you to disown a health care bill that was originally dreamed up by a conservative think tank? No problem, that thing is socialist!

That's right, you can use the obscure terms liberty, American exceptionalism and socialism to defend your values -- today! And all this rhetorical artillery can be yours for the simple payment of not really thinking about it that much!*

*Please use liberty at your own risk. Liberty is a concept still up for debate by current and past philosophers. It cannot be packaged in any way with "justice" and certainly not "for all." Do not cite the unregulated economic freedom that has widened the gap between the rich and poor in America when referring to lack of liberty.