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A Brief Summary of Things That Cause Gun Violence According to the NRA (Probably)

12/21/2012 02:03 pm ET | Updated Feb 20, 2013

In the past few days there has been serious discussion and, remarkably, action, in relation to the topic of gun control, with President Obama tapping Joe Biden to come up with new policies that will curb gun violence.

At the press conference on Friday, NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre presented some solutions to the gun crisis that somehow eluded several sensible minds, including a national database of those who are mentally ill and to focus blame on the real culprits for gun violence in this country: Video games. Regardless of the fact that there have been little to no conclusive studies that draw a serious connection between either mental illness or violent video games -- many of which originate in Japan, one of the countries with the lowest firearm-related death rates in the world -- and gun violence, it's nice to see someone finally present some answers for the crisis this country is facing. I just wish that LaPierre had been given more time to pass around more blame for gun violence in America. Given the opportunity to further expand on the true culprits, there's little doubt that the NRA would happily blame America's deadly epidemic on any of the following:

Driving: Bumper to bumper commutes in this country are so offensive and infuriating that it leaves Americans will little choice but to turn to firearms. Just take the case of Richard Stevenson Miller Jr., who was arrested in Salisbury, North Carolina for pointing a gun at an off-duty police officer. When Miller was arrested, they found eight guns in his car -- only two less than any good American should have on his person at all times, by my estimation. It's time Americans curb back on the violent activity of driving to prevent future incidences of this sort.

Good Television Shows: Many feel that we are entering a golden age of television, with many shows being so captivating that they result in heated debates. These debates have a direct link to gun violence and must be extinguished. Case in point, in early December, Jared Gurman and his girlfriend Jessica Gelderman got into a heated argument over the AMC hit TV show The Walking Dead. According to a report, Gelderman left the apartment and the two continued to argue via text:

When Gelderman showed up, Gurman told police he was sitting on the stairs holding his rifle ... Gurman pointed the rifle and fired one round into the middle of Gelderman's back as she climbed the stairs, police said.

It's easy to conclude that this entire situation could have been avoided if The Walking Dead wasn't such a compelling TV show worthy of debate.

Watching Sports: Our inability as a country to correctly determine once and for all which sports teams are superior has resulted in extreme conflict that is directly responsible for gun violence. This past January at an Applebee's in Georgia, Donald Ray Ayro of Georgia was pushed to violence by the presence of San Francisco 49ers fans at the fine dining establishment. Ayro was a fan of the Saints.

WSBTV reports that Adams and Middleton were watching the New Orleans Saints and San Francisco 49ers game when the initial confrontation occurred. Adams, a 49ers fan, told WSBTV that Ayro took offense with his excitement over a touchdown. ... A short time later, Ayro reportedly confronted Middleton and Adams in the parking lot and opened fire on them with a handgun before driving away from the restaurant.

This conflict could have easily been avoided if we as a country just accepted that the Houston Texans are the best team, and every other franchise is awful and doesn't merit fans.

Amazing Sales: If there is one thing Americans cannot resist, it is amazing sales. But we must realize that the pursuit of these great deals often result in conflict, and sometimes gun violence. Last November, a man was shot outside a Walmart in San Leandro, California while exiting the store with a bevy of items purchased during a Black Friday sale.

The victims were walking to their car when multiple suspects confronted them, police said. After suspects asked the victims for their items and were refused, a fight ensued. One suspect pulled a gun and shot one of the victims.

If this man hadn't have bought such great items as a result of this sale, it's highly likely he wouldn't have been shot by another person trying to steal from him. This access to amazing sales is directly connected to why guns are used for violence, and it's our responsibility to pay full price in order to prevent the misuse of firearms.

Hiccups: Even our failure to find a foolproof method for curing the hiccups has been a direct cause of gun violence in this country. This was evidenced in September, when Pfc. Patrick Edward Myers, lacking any better ideas, began waving his gun in the face of Pfc. Isaac Lawrence Young in an attempt to scare his hiccups away. Myers was charged with manslaughter when the gun accidentally went off, killing Young.

Between hiccups, compelling television and the stress of driving, there are numerous avenues worthy of blame for gun violence in this country. So my hope is that we can eliminate all of these things from our society so that we can finally live at peace with our millions, and millions, and millions of guns -- just as God and Wayne LaPierre intended.

I do hope you gain a little more insight from this exhaustive list, as it covers the true culprits for so much of the violence in this country.

Unless I'm forgetting something.

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