Five Days Before Mother's Day
Child One: Hey it's Mother's Day this weekend.
Mother: Oh, that's right. I nearly forgot.
Child Two: What do you want this year, Mom?
Mother: Nothing! You know I don't take it seriously.
Child One: We gotta do something.
Child Two: We could make you breakfast.
Mother: (envisioning the aftermath) No, don't do that.
Child Two: We could clean the house!
Mother: Ha, ha. That would be a change. If you just pick up your rooms I'll be happy.
Child One: C'mon, Mom. You always do this. You always say it doesn't matter and then you get upset when we don't do it right. Last year you cried and yelled at Daddy.
Mother: What? No. I didn't.
Child Two: Did.
Mother: It must've been about something else.
Child One: You said we didn't appreciate anything.
Child Two: Yeah. Daddy said we better do something more special next time.
Mother: I don't believe it. I can't imagine getting upset about Mother's Day. I'm telling you, it doesn't matter. It's just one of those holidays invented by gift card companies. Look: my gift as a mother is two healthy, terrific kids. I don't need anything else.
(pause)
Does Daddy know it's Mother's Day?
The Night Before Mother's Day
Father: So what do you want to do tomorrow?
Mother: Huh?
Father: It's Mother's Day, right?
Mother: Oh yeah.
Father: So what would you like to do? Do you want me to get the kids out of your hair?
Mother: Gosh I hadn't really thought about it.
Father: I could take them out somewhere, give you some free time.
Mother: Sure. That's be nice, I guess.
Father: Where should I take them?
Mother: Uh, I don't know. Maybe to the playground.
Father: Fine. I'll do that. I'll keep them out for lunch too. Give you a real nice morning to yourself.
Mother: Where will you go for lunch?
Father: Dunno. We'll think of something.
Mother: Because the restaurants will be crowded...you know, because it's Mother's Day and all.
Father: You' re right. Well don't worry about it. We can pick up sandwiches, whatever.
Mother: Sure, whatever...
Mother's Day: 6:47 am
Children: Happy Mother's Day!!
Mother: (sleepily) Huh?
Children: (jumping on bed) It's Mother's Day! Happy Mother's Day!!
Child Two: Look I made you something. Open it!
Father: Kids do you know what time it is?!
Mother: Oh my gosh. Where are my glasses? Hang on, sweetie...
Child One: Open mine next!
Mother: What is it--wait it's leaking something...
Child Two: It's a worm farm!!
Mother: Oh God. There's dirt on the sheets. Don't move. I'll get a cloth.
Child Two: Do ya like it? I made it in science.
Mother: Yes darling, it's wonderful. Let me just clean it up. Dad, could you...?
Child One: Dad's asleep. Here, open mine!
Mother: Okay...
Child One: I wrapped it myself.
Mother: I can see that. How much tin foil did you use?
Child One: Not the whole roll. There's still a little left.
Mother: Ah!
Child One: You like it?
Mother: Yes! I love it! (pause) What is it?
Child One: It's an iguanodon!
Mother: Oh?
Child One: Yeah. Those are his legs, and like that's his sharp claw. The other one broke off. He's standing up. He's getting ready to attack a stegosaurus.
Mother: Where did you make this?
Child One: In art. Our teacher wanted us to make, like, stuff for our Moms. Some of the girls made jewelry. I wanted to make you a dinosaur.
Mother: It's wonderful! Thank you, Josh.
Child Two: Do you like my worm farm?
Mother: I love the worm farm! In fact, why don't you put it over there on the table where Mommy can look at it!
Child One: I'll put my iguanodon there too.
Mother: Why don't you kids go watch cartoons?
Child One: Yay!
Child Two: I'm hungry. I want breakfast.
Child One: Yeah I'm hungry too.
Mother: Ok. Let's ask Dad to...
Child Two: Dad's asleep.
Mother's Day: 6:19 p.m.
Mother: (crying) I'm not saying I expected anything! It's just that--well, look at this kitchen!
Father: Hon, we'll deal with it. You go upstairs.
Mother: Upstairs is a wreck too! I mean is it too much to ask that just one day a year...
Father: Why didn't you just tell us you wanted to go out for dinner?!
Mother: I shouldn't have to! I mean, it should be obvious that I don't want to spend Mother's Day--of all days (sniff)!--cleaning up after everyone. Do I have to think of everything? Can't someone else around here--for once!--think of something?! Something that would be...sniff...nice for me??
Child One: (running in) Alex just knocked over the worm farm!
Mother: Oh for---
Father: I'LL deal with it...
Child One: It's all over the white carpet.
Mother: No, I'LL deal with it.
Child Two: Mooooooommmmmm!
Mother's Day: 8:55 p.m.
Child One: Good night, Mom.
Child Two: Good night, Mom.
Mother: Good night, boys.
Child One: Mom?
Mother: Yes, darling?
Child One: Did you like Mother's Day?
Mother: Of course! It was wonderful. Thank you for such a great day--and great presents!
Child Two: I'm sorry I broke the worm farm.
Mother: Don't worry. We'll fix it tomorrow. And I loved the iguanadon, Josh. I'm going to put it on my shelf with all the other special things you've made me.
Child One: (sleepily) Next year I'm gonna make you a stegosaurus...
Mother: You don't need to make me anything, sweetie. You boys are the best two presents a mother could have...