TO: EricaJong@huffingtonpost.com
FROM: StPeter@heaven.org
RE: Recent blog
The Almighty has asked me to send a reply on His behalf regarding your recent blog on the Huffington Post.
First, let me stress that it is never a good idea to attempt to mimic the voice of the Almighty. He does not like it when Pat Robertson does it; He does not like it when the Left does it. And permit me to add, as someone who has welcomed many of Earth’s finest writers to their next life, even as a literary technique the voice of God is to be handled with care. Milton and Dante can handle it, but that's about it.
So if you want to report on what we think up here, it’s best to communicate with me. Or to put it in terms your Hollywood readers will understand, God is busy. He’s running the whole universe. He’s got numerous projects on the go. When He needs to talk, His people will call your people. In the meantime, you get the Almighty’s personal assistant.
And speaking as the Lord’s PA, let me say: You’ve got this all wrong. Nothing personal. Most of those who presume to speak for God get Him wrong. They take all their anger, resentment, fanaticism and stridency (and by the way, Ms. Jong, you might want to get that out of your system before you and I have our face-to-face meeting) and they attribute it to the Boss. He doesn’t like that.
For example, you suggested that the Almighty would be angry at the President for “the bloodied souls of the women and children he [Bush] killed in Iraq.” Actually, up here we have an excellent view of the battlefield. And I can assure you: It’s not George Bush who is strapping explosives onto his body and charging into public squares and subway cars, shouting "God is great!” before detonating himself or driving bombs into crowds of children receiving candy from American troops.
God has issues with his servant George W. Bush, but on this one the man is innocent. Believe me, up here we know how to divide the innocent from the guilty and we have strong views about those who confuse the two. As God puts it in His international bestseller, "He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous are both alike an abomination to the Lord." (Proverbs 17:15.) You might want to share that verse with your colleague Nicholas von Hoffman before you and he end up together on what the New Yorkers here call "the downtown express."
Eternally yours,
St. Peter
Personal Assistant to God