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Danielle Crittenden

Danielle Crittenden

Posted: May 19, 2005 12:34 PM

SEX IN WASHINGTON??


Two recent gossip items lend credibility to the longstanding Hollywood misperception that Capitol Hill pulses with sexuality. A Senate aide who blogged about her sexual exploits with assorted staffers is now being sued by the counsel for the Judiciary Committee's antitrust subcommittee for revealing details about their affair—including “spanking and hair-pulling” during sex. Then I open my Washington Post today and read that Los Angeles hard-porn producer Mark Kulkis will be bringing one of his “actresses” as his date to a dinner for the President, thrown by the National Republican Congressional Committee.

Ah yes, the casual Hollywood reader will think—hotbed as usual over there. But to those who live and work here, Washington is more Dilbert than West Wing. Think about it: spanking and hair-pulling with a “counsel for the Judiciary Committee’s antitrust subcommittee”? Try pitching that to a movie executive! Probably the only spanking and hair-pulling that actually took place happened in the committee room, between Democrats and Republicans.

A more accurate steamy Washington scene would go something like this:


INT. PHOTOCOPYING ROOM, DIRKSEN SENATE OFFICE BUILDING—LATE AFTERNOON

A young man in suit and tie, with a pass dangling around his neck, waits anxiously behind a young woman who is busy photocopying 1,000 pages of Senate documents. Her attractive figure is disguised under a buttoned-up blouse, a skirt that goes to her calves, and low pumps.

YOUNG MAN
Are you going to be long?

YOUNG WOMAN
The Senator needs this right away.

YOUNG MAN
(flapping a single -page memo at her)
I just have this.

YOUNG WOMAN
There’s no way to interrupt it
once it’s started.

YOUNG MAN
Sounds like one of
the speakers on my committee.

YOUNG WOMAN
(laughs)
Which committee are you on?

YOUNG MAN
(with self-importance)
I’m deputy counsel to the
committee on overseas possessions.

YOUNG WOMAN
Wow.

YOUNG MAN
And you?

YOUNG WOMAN
I’m just an intern—in
Senator DeWine’s office.

YOUNG MAN
(suggestively)
That’s a big job. Interns
have been known to bring
down Presidents.

YOUNG WOMAN
(flushing)
Heh heh. I’m not that kind of intern.
Actually, I’m a
Christian. From Des
Moines.

YOUNG MAN
Really? So am I? I mean—I’m
Christian too. From North Dakota.
Say, weren’t you
at last week’s prayer group?

YOUNG WOMAN
I was!

The young woman turns to fumble about with the printed copies of her document. The young man watches her with admiration, until he summons up the courage to ask,

YOUNG MAN
Are you free later?

YOUNG WOMAN
Uh huh.

YOUNG MAN
There’s a panel at six
over at Brookings. On the future
of statehood for Puerto Rico.
Would you like to go?

YOUNG WOMAN
(eagerly)
Sure. I’m really
interested in that issue…

END