The President's Secret IMs: The Spy Who Loves Him

Kickass43: dude it aint jus harman. its r own forces!Kickass43: spectr hoekstra hastert... wer undr frendly fire!
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Chat with BigEar
6:41 a.m.

Kickass43: chekin in witu mike

BigEar: Good morning sir.

Kickass43: ur not gna bug out on me rite?
Kickass43: hearins gna b ruff
Kickass43: reel ruff

BigEar: With all due respect, sir...
BigEar: I've faced North Koreans...
BigEar: & Bulgarians.
BigEar: I think I can take Jane Harman.

Kickass43: dude it aint jus harman
Kickass43: its r own forces!
Kickass43: spectr hoekstra hastert
Kickass43: wer undr frendly fire!

BigEar: I'm sure you don't forget, Mr. President...
BigEar: that we also have the backing...
BigEar: of the entire U.S. military.
BigEar: I'm not afraid.
BigEar: I'm going in.

Kickass43: ull need covr

BigEar: That's not a problem in my world.

Kickass43: im gna fite 4 u bro
Kickass43: lettem bring it on

BigEar: I'm grateful for your support, sir.

Kickass43: like tha dems r rlly gna win...
Kickass43: by complainin dat u did 2 gd a job...
Kickass43: watchin terrersts.
Kickass43: oo snap!

BigEar: Exactly, sir.
BigEar: That will be their strategy...
BigEar: and it will fail.

Kickass43: cuz I NEED u 2 fix tha cia...
Kickass43: buncha babeez
Kickass43: waaaaa!
Kickass43; "we don't wanna miltry dude!"
Kickass43: "we wanna civvie!"
Kickass43: "its r turn!"
Kickass43: waaaaa!

BigEar: I can assure you, sir...
BigEar: the * babies * have been identified...
BigEar: & will be dealt with...
BigEar: without violation of the Geneva Convention...
BigEar: the moment I take command of Langley...
BigEar: & the facility is secured.

Kickass43: u gotta plan?
Kickass43: cuz we aint goin in dis time...
Kickass43: w/outta plan.

BigEar: Yes, sir.
BigEar: Secretary Rumsfeld & I have wargamed it through...
BigEar: allowing for all possible contingencies...
BigEar: including the possibility that we may face a prolonged insurgency...
BigEar: from our opponents inside the current regime.
BigEar: To that end we've taken the precaution of wiring all their exits, if you will...
BigEar: including the offices of the New York Times...
BigEar: (both HQ in NYC & the local base here).
BigEar: In short: if there's a leak we'll plug it.

Kickass43: watta bout goss?
Kickass43: yalie lemme dwn big time

BigEar: I think he'll go quietly, sir.

Kickass43: y u so sur?
Kickass43: he sent me dis:

TH379S

BigEar: I can't read it, Mr. President.
BigEar: It's encrypted.

Kickass43: sry
Kickass43: try dis:

Beware the hand of nine fingers and the descent of a dusty foggo that shall cloud your administration to its final days.

Kickass43: like wassup wit dat?
Kickass43: sum frikkin wiches curs??
Kickass43: wuz he jus pissd or wat?

BigEar: It's obviously some sort of warning.
BigEar: I can give it to our code people for further analysis...
BigEar: but on the surface I can make this much out:
BigEar: "Nine Fingers" refers to a man named Brant Bassett...
BigEar: he's ex-CIA & a former aide to Goss...
BigEar: "Dusty Foggo" of course is Kyle Foggo...
BigEar: the no. 3 at the agency who just resigned.

Kickass43: man u spy guys & ur * handls *
Kickass43: lol
Kickass43: like sum acshun movie
Kickass43: y don't u hav reg niknames
Kickass43: like strech
Kickass43: & scootr?

BigEar: We all like to have our fun, sir.
BigEar: But the message is serious.
BigEar: Or could be serious.
BigEar: Bassett & Foggo may be mixed up...
BigEar: in this business with Duke Cunningham.
BigEar: You know: poker, cigars, hookers...

Kickass43: yeh I kno
Kickass43: :-(
Kickass43: thot dat wuz tha last adminstrashun

BigEar: I wouldn't worry about it if I were you, Mr. President.

Kickass43: y not?

BigEar: Just a hunch, sir.

Kickass43: ?

BigEar: I'm not at liberty to say more.

Kickass43: ??

BigEar: Let me put it this way: Scandal is an equal opportunity employer.
BigEar: She seeks potential candidates without regard to political affiliation.

Kickass43: cmon dude!
Kickass43: ur speakin in tungs

BigEar: I can't discuss it with you, sir.
BigEar: But I can tell you this much:
BigEar: The Democrats will not want to push back too hard on this kind of affair.
BigEar: Try it & they'll have more of that where they came from.

Kickass43: bill clinton?!

BigEar: No.
BigEar: Or I should say, not precisely, sir.
BigEar: A lot of that we'll be saving for 08...
BigEar: as a pre-emptive strike against Hillary.
BigEar: I was referring to the others.
BigEar: I believe they got the message with Patrick Kennedy.

Kickass43: wat msg?
Kickass43: dat kennedys gets wastd?
Kickass43: man I think they get DAT msg
Kickass43: hav 4 a long time

BigEar: No, no.
BigEar: The message to back off.
BigEar: You'll remember what Rep. Kennedy told police...
BigEar: when they stopped him...?
BigEar: He was under the impression there was a vote in the House...
BigEar: @ 02:00 EDT!!

Kickass43: I kno
Kickass43: lol
Kickass43: dude wuz trashd
Kickass43: ttlly
Kickass43: "ambien"
Kickass43: yeh rite
Kickass43: but so wat?

BigEar: How do you think Rep. Kennedy came under that impression?

Kickass43: dunno

BigEar: Let's just say a little bird told him...
BigEar: through a device conveniently planted in his ear.

Kickass43: NO. WAY.

BigEar: I'll just leave it at that, sir.
BigEar: But I can say with confidence...
BigEar: that we'll have no trouble with members on the House Intelligence Committee...
BigEar: from what I "gather."

Kickass43: dam ur GD
Kickass43: mano!
Kickass43: shda put u in erlyr
Kickass43: hek...
Kickass43: u got soo much intelijens
Kickass43: shda nominatd u 4 SCOTUS!
Kickass43: stedda ol' harriet
Kickass43: shda seen thru her
Kickass43: ur no harriet 4 sur

BigEar: Actually, Mr. President...
BigEar: Harriet is no Harriet.

Kickass43: ?
Kickass43: Harriet Tha Spy?!
Kickass43: :-O

BigEar: That's funny, sir.
BigEar: "ROFL"
BigEar: She's what we call "bad intelligence."

Kickass43: oo dat burnd dude

BigEar: I was referring to the books she withdrew recently from her public library...
BigEar: on 4-30-06 @ 15:47:06 EDT.
BigEar: Let's just say that she's not boning up on constitutional law anymore.
BigEar: Or as you might put it, Mr. President:
BigEar: "muy caliente!"

Kickass43: eww!
Kickass43: mor den I nd 2 kno mikey!!
Kickass43: puh-leez!

BigEar: Fair enough, sir.
BigEar: There will be no more briefings of this nature.

Kickass43: letz keep it 2 al kada...
Kickass43: & kenndys etc.

BigEar: Yes, sir.

Kickass43 has left the chat.

"The President's Secret IMs" appear every Tuesday.

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