The President's Secret IMs: Even Clinton Can't Help With This Dick Problem

05/25/2011 11:50 am ET


Click here to see the President's "Buddy List"!

AIM chat with str8talk08
9:32 p.m.

Str8talk08: hey buddy
Str8talk08: back from memphis

Kickass43: saw dat

Str8talk08: don't worry about the straw poll
Str8talk08: doesn't mean a thing that frist won
Str8talk08: we're all behind u

Kickass43: blve me
Kickass43: "straw polls" r last of my frikkin probs rite now

Str8talk08: you saw what I said?

Kickass43: kinda busy
Kickass43: sry

Str8talk08: it was all over the news Str8talk08: cspan repeated it 3 times over the weekend Str8talk08:

We should all just keep our personal ambitions a distant second to standing with the president ... in good times and bad. ... He's our president, and the only one that needs our support today.

Kickass43: oh yeh
Kickass43: prechiat dat

Str8talk08: no problem
Str8talk08: btw
Str8talk08: between u & me
Str8talk08: i was on imus the other day
Str8talk08: he says cheneys gotta go

Kickass43: thanx 4 tha input

Str8talk08: srsly

Kickass43: k

Str8talk08: thought u shd know

Kickass43: k

Str8talk08: ditto 4 russert
Str8talk08: in the green rm
Str8talk08: said the same thing:
Str8talk08: "when's bush gonna lose cheney?"

Kickass43: huh
Kickass43: fancy dat

Str8talk08: I said (of course)
Str8talk08: "aint gonna happen"
Str8talk08: "bush is loyal"
Str8talk08: "stands behind his buds"
Str8talk08: "if there was ever a guy id want next 2 me in a foxhole...
Str8talk08: or a prison cell...
Str8talk08: it's him man."

Kickass43: thanx

Str8talk08: just tellin it like it is
Str8talk08: can't help it
Str8talk08: stepho at abc
Str8talk08: we're in makeup
Str8talk08: (he wears a LOT btw)
Str8talk08: (& he plays with his hair like a girl!)
Str8talk08: he leans over to me
Str8talk08: all confidential like
Str8talk08: "so are the rumors true?"
Str8talk08: "is bush gonna dump cheney?"
Str8talk08: I'm like No. Way.

Kickass43: rite
Kickass43: good wrk

Str8talk08: I thought it was the right answer.
Str8talk08: I like to give the right answer
Str8talk08: even when it's tough.
Str8talk08: There's no point telling them what they want to hear.
Str8talk08: And trust me, friend
Str8talk08: I know what they want to hear.
Str8talk08: I may not like it but
Str8talk08: they are my people.

Kickass43: ur peeps
Kickass43: not MY peeps
Kickass43: don't 4get dat

Str8talk08: never!
Str8talk08: in fact that's exactly what I told jon stewart
Str8talk08: "You liberal media guys just don't get him."
Str8talk08: same with katie & matt...

AIM chat with ladeezman42
9:40 p.m.

Ladeezman42: yo g!
Ladeezman42: needya dude!!

AIM chat with str8talk08
9:41 p.m.

Str8talk08: (katie's way hotter in person btw)
Str8talk08: I was at a dinner in nyc
Str8talk08: she & tina brown like ACCOST me
Str8talk08: "Why doesn't the president make YOU the vice-president?"
Str8talk08: I could only chuckle
Str8talk08: and ask them
Str8talk08: where on earth they were getting such ideas...

AIM chat with ladeezman42:
9:42 p.m.

Ladeezman42: SOS!!

Kickass43: rite wit u bud
Kickass43: got "Mr. Popularity" in anudder chat

Ladeezman42: ?

Kickass43: mccain
Kickass43: brb

AIM chat with str8talk08
9: 43 p.m.

Kickass43: g2g bud

Str8talk08: sure
Str8talk08: its getting late

Kickass43: uh huh

Str8talk08: I 've still got to hit a fundraiser
Str8talk08: & drinks after with chris matthews...

Kickass43: gd 2 hear from u
Kickass43: bye!

Kickass43 has left this chat.

AIM chat with ladeezman42
9:45 p.m.

Kickass43: frikkin media suck up

Ladeezman42: thanx alot!!!

Kickass43: not u!
Kickass43: dat jerk off mccain
Kickass43: wassup witu?
Kickass43: y tha SOS??

Ladeezman42: man its bad
Ladeezman42: u kno ive been cool bout dis nsa shit...

Kickass43: yeh

Ladeezman42: well I AINT cool bout dis
Ladeezman42: dat rlly rlly sux k??

Kickass43: oops!

Ladeezman42: u gotta stop it
Ladeezman42: al qaeda dudes r 1 thing
Ladeezman42: but cmon
Ladeezman42: sum of us r jus checkin out sum online ass!
Ladeezman42: aint no crime innit

Kickass43: wat I can do??
Kickass43: taint a gov't thing
Kickass43: nuffin I can do

Ladeezman42: man ur so wet
Ladeezman42: 1) launch an investigashun
Ladeezman42: 2) arrest tha dudes who diddit
Ladeezman42: 3) use tha full pwrs of that govt 2...
Ladeezman42: 4) SUPPRESS this!!
Ladeezman42: prfct opportunity 4 u 2 take tha hi road on wiretappin
Ladeezman42: get back at tha dems!
Ladeezman42: "Pppl mus b protectd"
Ladeezman42: "We won't stand 4 this abuse"
Ladeezman42: "invashun of privacy" etc. etc.
Ladeezman42: all dat shit

Kickass43: u r SO on ur own wit dis

Ladeezman42: k fine
Ladeezman42: like THANX
Ladeezman42: like take my advice
Ladeezman42: go ahed & get censurd
Ladeezman42: "Mr. Popularity"

Kickass43: dat burnd dude

Ladeezman42: like "sry"
Ladeezman42: im feelin burnd myself

Kickass43: U?

Ladeezman42: yeh
Ladeezman42: thanx 2 u

Kickass43: ME?!

Ladeezman42: tha port deal
Ladeezman42: u rlly screwd up dude
Ladeezman42: big time

Kickass43: I KNO dat
Kickass43: but y duz it affect u?

Ladeezman42: duh
Ladeezman42: think hard
Ladeezman42: think "hillary08"

Kickass43: o
Kickass43: :-[

Ladeezman42: big win 4 her man
Ladeezman42: handed dat 1 2 her ona platta
Ladeezman42: not 2 menshun pissd off r arab buds
Ladeezman42: AGEN

Kickass43: not like I didn't try 2 save it!!
Kickass43: wat mor wuz I supposd 2 do??
Kickass43: evn thretend a veto!!
Kickass43: my 1st veto!
Kickass43: pissd off tha hole congress!!!

Ladeezman42: dude u jus cant play anything rite

Kickass43: thanx

Ladeezman43: srsly
Ladeezman43: man u kno thos arabs walk both sides of tha street
Ladeezman43: they xpectd u 2 say "no" & secretly do "yes"
Ladeezman43:not tha othr way round!

Kickass43: so how shudve i playd it?

Ladeezman42: 1) sheik mo sets up a dummy corp
Ladeezman42: call it sumpin like "Seaports International"
Ladeezman42: hires a buncha turnbull& asser brits 2 run it
Ladeezman42: like NO mohammeds in tha front office
Ladeezman42: 2) buys ports
Ladeezman42: 3) u sign off on deal
Ladeezman42: 4) end of story

Kickass43: mayb ur rite

Ladeezman42: I KNO im rite

Kickass43: thot folks cd tell tha diffrens tween sheik mo
Kickass43: & sum crzy ass wit a bomb

Ladeezman42: don't u read tha pollz?

Kickass43: uh tryin not 2

Ladeezman42: u shud
Ladeezman42: arabs poll nearly wrse than u
Ladeezman42: 46% of ppl think theyr up 2 no good

Kickass43: dats bad

Ladeezman42: not so bad...

Kickass43: ?!

Ladeezman42: think bout it
Ladeezman42: 9/11+hamas+cartoons+suicide bombings
Ladeezman42: & islam's numbers r STILL 3x bttr than dick cheney's!!
Ladeezman42: lol!

Kickass43: hey enuff dissin dick
Kickass43: he's taken enuff hits

Ladeezman42: not as many as hes given!

Kickass43: dats wat I mean
Kickass43: wen r these jokes gna end??
Kickass43: theyr so lame

Ladeezman42: not as lame as tha GOP gna do in tha elechsuns
Ladeezman42: unless u dump him

Kickass43: every1's sayin dat!
Kickass43: its like tha buzz
Kickass43: don't kno y
Kickass43: I stand by dick

Ladeezman42: I stood by it 2
Ladeezman42: 4 2 terms
Ladeezman42: didn't help
Ladeezman42: jus got me in2 mor trubl

Kickass43: ha ha
Kickass43: rlly
Kickass43: y wud I dump dick??

Ladeezman42: ur askin me?
Ladeezman42: no way
Ladeezman42: im not helpin u out dat much

Kickass43: so u DO think I shud dump dick?

Ladeezman42: :-X

Kickass43: cmon

Ladeezman42: la dee dah dee dah dee dah

Kickass43: pls

Ladeezman42: dude
Ladeezman42: jus cuz I want hllry 2 lose
Ladeezman42: DUZNT mean I want ur guys 2 win

Kickass43: hmm
Kickass43: b a shame if thos porn records got in2 tha hands of tha media

Ladeezman42: U WUDNT!!!!

Kickass43: imus/russert/stepho/katie/matthews...
Kickass43: :-P

Ladeezman42: u cdnt do it
Ladeezman42: u cdnt pull it off
Ladeesman42: ud jus screw it up like u alwys do!!
Kickass43: ur rite
Kickass43: I cdnt do it
Kickass43; but lets jus say 1 of my peeps cd
Kickass43: thos media dudes r tha peeps of my peep
Kickass43: & he'd LUV 2 do me a favr
Kickass43: a BIG favr

Ladeezman42: K
Ladeezman42: YES
Ladeezman42: dump dick
Ladeezman42: but dats ALL im sayin

Ladeezman42 has left this chat.

AIM chat with Sweatrgrl06
10:07 p.m.

Sweatrgrl06: Mr. President?

Kickass43: whos dis??

Sweatrgrl06: Katherine.

Kickass43: ?

Sweatrgrl06: Harris.


Kickass43: o
Kickass43: hiya

Sweatrgrl06: I'm sorry to disturb you sir
Sweatrgrl06: but I hear there may be an "opening"
Sweatrgrl06: a new "position"
Sweatrgrl06: coming up
Sweatrgrl06: ;-)

Kickass43: uh sry
Kickass43: dunno wat ur talkin bout

Sweatrgrl06: Oh sir.
Sweatrgrl06: You know what I'm talking about.
Sweatrgrl06: But I'm not sure you know
Sweatrgrl06: how badly I want it.

Kickass43: um no

Sweatrgrl06: I think you of all men
Sweatrgrl06: have felt the intensity...
Sweatrgrl06: the passion...
Sweatrgrl06: of my devotion to you.
Sweatrgrl06: If any woman deserved...
Sweatrgrl06: ...something...
Sweatrgrl06: it would be me.
Sweatrgrl06: And I'm available
Sweatrgrl06: anytime you want me.
Sweatrgrl06: Just say the word.
Sweatrgr06: I'm there.

Kickass43: k
Kickass43: i'll let the card kno

Sweatrgrl06: "the card" sir?

Kickass43: andy
Kickass43: he takes care of thos things

Sweatrgrl06: Oh of course.
Sweatrgrl06: But you can contact me yourself
Sweatrgrl06: personally
Sweatrgrl06: anytime
Sweatrgrl06: day
Sweatrgrl06: or night...

Kickass43: k k
Kickass43: thanx!

Kickass43 has left this chat.

The President's Secret IMs appear every Tuesday.