The President's Secret IMs: Who KNEW These IMs Could Be Saved?!

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Chat with BigBartlett
7:05 a.m.

Kickass43: danno!
Kickass43: u ther???
Kickass43: WHER R U????
Kickass43: wtf
Kickass43: UR SUPOSD 2 B THER!

BigBartlett: Here, Mr. President.
BigBartlett: I was getting a coffee from the mess.
BigBartlett: Jogged to my desk when I heard your pinging.
BigBartlett: Sorry to keep you waiting, sir.

Kickass43: dude this foley shits bad
Kickass43: BAD

BigBartlett: ...

Kickass43: r u like THER????????
Kickass43: im *waitin*

BigBartlett: Yes it's bad, sir.
BigBartlett: And yes I'm here.
BigBartlett: I was typing with one hand.
BigBartlett: Wiping coffee off my pants with the other.

Kickass43: o gr8
Kickass43: like ur touchin ur pants wile we're iming?
Kickass43: is like evry1 in this town a SICKO?

BigBartlett: "Mopping" might be a better verb , sir.
BigBartlett: In any case the burning has almost stopped.

Kickass43: k so wen ur finishd cleanin urself weve a big problem here scotty
Kickass43: MAJR problemo

BigBartlett: We've been working on little else, Mr. President.
BigBartlett: Rove, Bolten, Snow & I will have a comprehensive strategy worked out by the 9 a.m. meeting...
BigBartlett: Essentially expanding upon your initial statement of earlier this week.
BigBartlett: Karl has some charts and preliminary data on possible electoral repercussions...
BigBartlett: Tony will present his five-prong communication "blitzkrieg" as he calls it...

Kickass43: yes yes yes
Kickass43: save it 4 tha meetin
Kickass43: im not talkin bout THAT

BigBartlett: Excuse me, sir?
BigBartlett: We're talking about the Foley fallout, right?

Kickass43: DUH

BigBartlett: Sorry but I'm confused, Mr. President.
BigBartlett: Which aspect of it am I not addressing?

Kickass43: duznt any1 els round here think xept me?
Kickass43: dude look wat we're doin RITE NOW

BigBartlett: We're discussing what we're going to do about Foley?

Kickass43: no...
Kickass43: we're IMing
Kickass43: *instant messagin*

BigBartlett: Of course, sir.
BigBartlett: I thought that was obvious.

Kickass43: o man
Kickass43: (slap 4hed)
Kickass43: danno how many x a day do we IM?

BigBartlett: I'd say on average maybe 6 or 8 times a day.
BigBartlett: More when the World Series is going on...
BigBartlett: Then we might go as many as 10 times per day.

Kickass43: k
Kickass43: now lemme ask u this:
Kickass43: did it evr occur 2 u b4 foley...
Kickass43: that IMs cd b SAVED?

BigBartlett: Oh.
BigBartlett: To be honest, sir...
BigBartlett: no.

Kickass43: dude we're talkin a gazillion chats...

BigBartlett: Yes. ..

Kickass43: wrld leders...
Kickass43: condi/karl/karen/U...

BigBartlett: I understand.

Kickass43: tha frikkin POPE!

BigBartlett: "Got it" Mr. President.

Kickass43: man I cant SLEEP thinkin bout wats out ther

BigBartlett: 10-4

Kickass43: not like im sum prevert
Kickass43: dont talk dirty 2 teenajurs...

BigBartlett: MUY COMPRENDE EL PRESIDENTE
BigBartlett: I'm on it sir.
BigBartlett: I'll find out.

Kickass43: o man

BigBartlett: What sir?
BigBartlett: I mean don't tell me...
BigBartlett: online.

Kickass43: teenajurs!
Kickass43: *tha twinz*
Kickass43: lord knos wat they IM

BigBartlett: I'll report back ASAP, Mr. President.
BigBartlett: *in person*
BigBartlett: Let me add that it would be prudent to end this conversation....
BigBartlett: and avoid all future conversations ...
BigBartlett: until such time as we have further information...
BigBartlett: concerning our online security.

BigBartlett has left the chat.

Chat with Ladeezman42
1:48 p.m.

Ladeezman42: dude
Ladeezman42: whaddya find out?!

Kickass43: ct

Ladeezman42: they saved or wat???

Kickass43: CT

Ladeezman42: im dyin
Ladeezman42: wat r we gna do?!

Kickass43: WILL. LET. U. KNO.
Kickass43: l8r
Kickass43: K?!

Ladeezman42: cuz if thers any chans...
Ladeezman42: ANY...
Ladeezman42: we gotta shut dis thing down NOW
Ladeezman42: go on offens...

Kickass43: lemme fone u

Ladeezman42: cant
Ladeezman42: im ona plane

Kickass43: how can u IM?!

Ladeezman42: qatari air 1st class
Ladeezman42: wireless internet /no fone
Ladeezman42: go figur
Ladeezman42: weird frikkin islamos
Ladeezman42: correcshun:
Ladeezman42: "While traditional in their beliefs, the peace-loving Muslims of Qatar embrace all the comforts and conveniences of the 21st century. "

Kickass43: watr u talkin bout??

Ladeezman42: took it off tha inflite zine
Ladeezman42: gtta watch wat we say

Kickass43: NO KIDDIN
Kickass43: wich is y im sayin NADA

Ladeezman42: cmon bud
Ladeezman42: gimme a hint
Ladeezman42: r u lookin in2 "it"

Kickass43: +

Ladeezman42: gd
Ladeezman42: 1 mor

Kickass43: no!

Ladeezman42: pls...
Ladeezman42: us christians can b * saved *
Ladeezman42: hav u bin * saved *?
Ladeezman42: cd w b *saved * 2gether?

Kickass43: r u on ambien?
Kickass43: cuz ur makin no sense
Kickass43: u kno I luv jesus
Kickass43: wuz savd a long timago
Kickass43: that's how I got here
Kickass43: God savd me so I cd save amerka

Ladeezman42: dam
Ladeezman42: dat's not wat im askin
Ladeezman42: lemme try agen
Ladeezman42: wen u pull brush @ crawford
Ladeezman42: do u *save* it?
Ladeezman42: Like r ther gr8 big files...
Ladeezman42: *piles*
Ladeezman42: of brush sittin round...
Ladeezman42: 4 any1 2 find...
Ladeezman42: or dya get ridda it RITE AWAY
Ladeezman42: kno wat im sayin?

Kickass43: :-/

Ladeezman42: dont play dum
Ladeezman42: u kno wat im gettin @

Kickass43: K
Kickass43: i'll say this
Kickass43: (& don't ask 4 mor cuz we sdhnt b DOIN THIS)
Kickass43: theyr lookin rite now 2 c if tha * brush is cleard *
Kickass43: cuz I nvr sav brush
Kickass43: NVR
Kickass43: useless stuff
Kickass43: fire hazrd
Kickass43: but sum ppl mite
Kickass43: u kno...
Kickass43: who dont kno bttr

Ladeezman42: dude u wdnt BUHLEEV wat sum folks save

Kickass43: rite
Kickass43: lol

Ladeezman42: lemme kno asap
Ladeezman42: cuz we may hafta go in & rlly pull out dat brush
Ladeezman42: pull it real hard
Ladeezman42: cuz dats tha only way 2 do it
Ladeezman42: pull hard till thers nuffin left...

Kickass43: uh dude?
Kickass43: u mite wanna refrase that last bit
Kickass43: sounds like maf54

Ladeezman42: gross
Ladeezman42: k 4get dat part
Ladeezman42: but u got tha msg?

Kickass43: y

Ladeezman42: g2g

Ladeezman42 has left the chat.

Chat with BigBartlett
3:27 p.m.

BigBartlett: Mr. President?

Kickass43: wassup danno
Kickass43: u got tha 411?

BigBartlett: Yes, sir.
BigBartlett: May I come in and see you?

Kickass43: cant
Kickass43: got sum skoolkids waitin
Kickass43: bottomline it 4 me quik

BigBartlett: I'd rather not do so online, sir.

Kickass43: uh oh

BigBartlett: Well--it may not be that bad Mr. President.
BigBartlett: I can explain it all when the children leave.

Kickass43: tell me like *in jenral*
Kickass43: b quik

BigBartlett: Okay.
BigBartlett: In general there's good news and bad news, sir.
BigBartlett: The good news is that while traditionally it's White House policy to save every scrap of paper of every administration--
BigBartlett: including personal notes, emails, Post-its, and even those doodles of Barney you do when you're bored--
BigBartlett: there had been no policy concerning instant messaging.
BigBartlett: The technology was simply too new when we arrived in 2000.

Kickass43: that's gd!

BigBartlett: The bad news is that Harriet Miers...

Kickass43: o no

BigBartlett: when she served as Staff Secretary...

Kickass43: o man

BigBartlett: took it upon herself to correct this omission.
BigBartlett: Working with our geek squad, she managed to implement an auto-save feature on every White House computer...

Kickass43: evn IMs?!

BigBartlett: Yes sir.
BigBartlett: As she put it, "History will be safe."
BigBartlett: I mean *saved*

Kickass43: u bttr get in here

BigBartlett: Right away sir.

Kickass43 has left the chat.

"The President's Secret IMs" will be published by Simon Spotlight Entertainment and hitting bookstores across * amerka * in 2007: Look forward to reading new chats with your favorite buddies. Until then, Kickass43 will be offline--and presumably in hiding.