The Secret Presidential IMs: Now if only we could get Jon Stewart to host...

Chat with kickass43 et al.

7:02 a.m.

BigBartlett: Mr. President?
BigBartlett: Everyone you asked for is assembled in the chat room.
BigBartlett: We're ready to go over the final draft of SOTU.
BigBartlett: Are you there, sir?
Kickass43: yep
BigBartlett: I suspect you're much happier with this version.
Kickass43: wdve liked mor jokes
Kickass43: ppl like jokes
Kickass43: 1st 10 mins is all "thank u"s
Kickass43: like thank u senator this
Kickass43: thank u senator that
Kickass43: thank u so&so 4 showin up
Kickass43: like COURSE they showd up
Kickass43: hottest tickt in the capital
Kickass43: after coldplay
BigBartlett: Yes, sir.
Kickass43: so we need sum 1 liners rite off tha top
Kickass43: 2 get folks warmd up
BigBartlett: Well--you know what Karl says about humor...
BigBartlett: "The President should be funny but not too funny."
BigBartlett: It's not late-night TV.
Kickass43: is 4 me!
Kickass43: sides wherz wonderboy anyway?
Kickass43: he's not listd in tha chat room
BigBartlett: He'll be joining us for the practice later, Mr. President.
Kickass43: > :-/
BigBartlett: You'll see we were able to make all the changes you asked for, sir.
Kickass43: xept cda
BigBartlett: Canada is there, sir. Page 8.
BigBartlett: Para beginning,

All over the world, new democracies are emerging. I am proud to stand here and announce tonight that after twelve years of one-party rule, democracy has finally blossomed in our neighbor to the north (pause for applause)

Kickass43: snot wat I wantd danno
Kickass43: if u recall I wantd sumthin stronger ther
Kickass43: not jus tha democracy crap
Kickass43: but sumthin dat gave us mor credit 4 gettin ridda ther corrupt regime
Kickass43: unlike in frikkin palestine
Kickass43: wher we givem tha frikkin vote
Kickass43: & they elect a gang of frikkin terrorists
Kickass43: man they wernt usin no purpl ink ovr ther
Kickass43: they were stickin ther fingers in blood
NationalSecurityGuy: If I may weigh in here, Mr. President
NationalSecurityGuy: I was the one who toned down the Canada stuff.
NationalSecurityGuy: Even though Mr. Harper won the election, it's still a minority...
Kickass43: that sooo burns
NationalSecurityGuy: Yes. Thus Mr. Harper will have to govern cautiously, working with the other parties. It's almost like the coalition situation we have in Iraq.
Kickass43: yeh xept theyr not workin wit shiites and sunnis
NationalSecurityGuy: I see you haven't had many dealings with the Quebecois.
Kickass43: chretien wuz bad enuff
Kickass43: he cdnt tok english OR french
Kickass43: & man thos cdn frenchies
Kickass43: theyr not even like creoles--least THEY can cook!
Kickass43: evr eaten quebec grub steve?
NationalSecurityGuy: Haven't had that honor yet, sir.
Kickass43: they srvd it 2 me in ottawa
Kickass43: :-P
Kickass43: I'm like, "excusez-moi but could I have my steer w/out cheez curdz merci bocoo?"
Kickass43: theyr like "porkwa?"
NationalSecurityGuy: In any case, sir, we now have the opportunity to re-open dialogue with a new Canadian leader...
NationalSecurityGuy: on all kinds of issues...
NationalSecurityGuy: not least the oil sands they've discovered in northern Alberta...
NationalSecurityGuy: that contain potentially as much oil as in Saudi Arabia.
Kickass43: ?!
NationalSecurityGuy: In short, Mr. President, it wouldn't be prudent
NationalSecurityGuy: to take too much credit for the Harper government's success
NationalSecurityGuy: at this time
NationalSecurityGuy: Indeed I thought you might want to make some mention of your desire
NationalSecurityGuy: to come to some agreement over softwood lumber
NationalSecurityGuy: not a commitment of course--just a suggestion that you're open for business
NationalSecurityGuy: I meant dialogue.
Kickass43: whoa steve
Kickass43: still reelin here
Kickass43: *as much oil as in Saudi Arabia *
Kickass43: :-D
Kickass43: wa-hoo!
Kickass43: so like--screw ANWAR?!?!
NationalSecurityGuy: Something like that, sir. If they can extract the oil from the sand, which is not an easy process.
Kickass43: wait
Kickass43: r ther like any cute baby animals who live near tha oil sands?
Kickass43: no big-eyed baby seals?
Kickass43: no fluffy white polar bers??
Kickass43: no"noble elk"???
NationalSecurityGuy: So far as I know, sir, just mosquitoes.
NationalSecurityGuy: I should say BIG mosquitoes...
NationalSecurityGuy: In some countries mosquitoes of that size would count as wildlife
NationalSecurityGuy: But not even Canadians feel protective of their bugs, sir.
Kickass43: sweet
BigBartlett: So we're agreed we'll keep the language on Canada as is, Mr. President?
Kickass43: k fine
Kickass43: rite in wat steve sez on lumbr
Kickass43: next
SecStateUSA: Condi here, sir.
Kickass43: hi 5 girlfrien!!
Kickass43: u ROCKD!
Kickass43: rlly kickd ass
Kickass43: LUVd ur tuff tok bout hamas
Kickass43: man u jus keep on goin grl!!
Kickass43: btw
Kickass43: 1st lady & I miss YA!
SecStateUSA: I'm sorry, Mr. President, but it's been very busy, as you know.
SecStateUSA: I just have one quick point.
SecStateUSA: I think we have to insert something more into the speech about the Palestinian elections.
SecStateUSA: I'm glad we noted the historical importance of these elections.
SecStateUSA: But I think we have to be careful about saying what we will do or won't do in the future.
SecStaeUSA: Even sound hopeful about the democratic process...
Kickass43: rite
Kickass43: wat bout: "Long alienatd from tha democratic process, suicide bombrs will finally b representd in an electd parliament"
Kickass43: or: "Insted of tradishunal firewrks, joyous votrs torchd govt bldgs. & led pogrums in jeroosalem..."
SecStateUSA: I know you're very surprised and even angry about this.
SecState USA: We all are.
SecStateUSA: Who knew?
SecStateUSA: But for better or worse we are going to have to engage with the newly elected Hamas government--
Kickass43: ?!
Kickass43: c-grl u jus kickd hamas ass
Kickass43: & now u want ME 2 "engage" wit em?
SecStateUSA: I don't mean engage right now. I mean lay the groundwork for future engagement, which I'm afraid is going to be inevitable. Nothing too strong...
Kickass43: o no girlfrien
Kickass43: ur goin native on me
Kickass43: I knew it!!!
SecStateUSA: I beg your pardon, Mr. President?
Kickass43: I wondrd how long it wuz gonna take b4 colin got 2 u
SecStateUSA: I honestly don't know what you're implying, sir.
Kickass43: & dat dude chirac he jus oozes greasy charm don't he
Kickass43: o yes the euros jus LUV condi in her d&g suits & her stormtrooper boots
Kickass43: u kno tha song thos dudes sing
Kickass43: "my chumps"
Kickass43: "watcha gonna do wit all dat cash, all dat cash, all dat cash..."
SecStateUSA: Mr. President!
Kickass43: "they jus keep on takin, they jus keep on takin, takin & keep on demonstratin..."
SecStateUSA: Forgive me but I don't see how this relates---
Kickass43: "I met a girl down at tha disco, she said hey hey lets go to UNESCO...."

SecStateUSA has left the chat.

BigBartlett: Mr. President, I believe we should address the Secretary of State's very valuable point.
Kickass43: fine!
Kickass43: nada $$$ 4 r terrorist amigos
Kickass43: dont care if they win tha effin caucuses in iowa
Kickass43: they aint gettin no moolah from us
Kickass43: aint tokkin 2 em neither
Kickass43: till they renouns violens
Kickass43: which will b wen tha devil givs up smokin
Kickass43: kno wat im sayin
IheartUSA: Mr. President, if I may just weigh in here for a moment.
Kickass43: go ahed karen
IheartUSA: As your undersecretary of state to the Islamic world...
IheartUSA: you know how many inroads I have made personally...
IheartUSA: into the hearts and minds of Islamic women and children...
IheartUSA: I was swarmed wherever I travelled...
IheartUSA: by darling little girls in hair ribbons...
IheartUSA: their mothers in hijab...
IheartUSA: determined to tell me that their mullahs who spewed such hatred towards us...
IheartUSA: did not speak for them...
IheartUSA: indeed they wanted me to understand that they don't hate us...
IheartUSA: to truly, really, honestly understand that...
IheartUSA: in my own heart and mind...
IheartUSA: and also to give them Bic pens.
Kickass43: wats ur point??
IheartUSA: I agree with Condi that we can't simply slam a door on the Palestinian people just because they elected a gang of murderous thugs.
BigBartlett: I think the wording as we have it now will do, Mr. President. We'll just repeat your language about not sponsoring or engaging with any state that supports terrorism and leave it to Condi to figure out how we're going to get around it.
Kickass43: Not.
BigBartlett: Of course, sir.
Kickass43: now wat bout SCOTUS
Kickass43: I askd 4 an alito victry lap
Kickass43: rally tha base
Kickass43: now that "hurricane harry" has blown ovr
Kickass43: we're battin 2 fer 2!
BigBartlett: Funny you should mention it, sir.
BigBartlett: I DID insert a section about our success with the supreme court...
BigBartlett: and yet when copies of the speech were made, those parts were mysteriously excised.
BigBartlett: I just noticed that it's missing from this draft too.

Hmiers has left the chat.

BigBartlett: I'll make sure that gets put back in. I'll make the copies myself.
Kickass43: so we're cool?
Kickass43: nuffin else?
BigBartlett: So long as you're "cool" we're "cool" Mr. President. Ha ha, sir.
Kickass43: jus 1 mor thing danno
Kickass43: durin rehersal cd u tok 2 tha veep?
Kickass43: tell im he needs 2 wrk on his"listenin face"
Kickass43: otherwise he jus sits ther kinda slumpd behind me
Kickass43: like he's had anudder heart attak
Kickass43; mouth open
Kickass43: eyes rolld up
Kickass43: man sum1's gonna call 911
Kickass43: & tha capitol fuzz gonna carry im out on a stretcher
Kickass43: recks tha mood
Kickass43: giv im a spicy burrito or sumpin jus b4 tha speech
BigBartlett: Yes, Mr.President.

Kickass43 has left the chat.

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