IheartUSA: Mr. President?
IheartUSA: Hello?
Kickass43: yo karen!
Kickass43: gr8 2 hear from u!
Kickass43: u changd ur screen name
Kickass43: how goes the intl tour?
IheartUSA: I’m back in Texas, sir.
IheartUSA: I think we’ve managed to make real inroads in Muslim opinion.
IheartUSA: Especially with women and children.
IheartUSA: I felt they responded well to our message of tolerance & compassion.
IheartUSA: And they believe in freedom.
IheartUSA: They want to wear Levis and stetsons, just like the rest of us.
Kickass43: I’m off to kick booty in China
Kickass43: Read a lttle texas law 2 em
IheartUSA: Ha ha, sir.
IheartUSA: I know you’ll bring the same message of hope and democracy on your trip through Asia, and continue to raise the world’s opinion of America.
Kickass43: not so gd at raisin opinions rite now
Kickass43: thatll change wen votrs c me in mongolia
Kickass43: LUV the mongols
Kickass43: tuff ass peopl
Kickass43: built a democracy out of nada
Kickass43: got troops in iraq
Kickass43; they scare the shit out of iraqis
Kickass43: las time tha mongols hit baghdad
Kickass43: they built a mtn of skulls
Kickass43: mayb we shud do the same
Kickass43: stop listenin to harry reid
Kickass43: & all the dem whinin of “lies”
Kickass43: redeclare war
Kickass43: & do the job rite
IheartUSA: Yes, sir.
IheartUSA: I know you are at your very best when you feel strongly.
IheartUSA: Our allies may not be ready yet for that level of strength.
IheartUSA: What does Karl say?
Kickass43: lol
Kickass43: karls puttin his resume on monster.com
Kickass43: or he bttr b
Kickass43: wonderboy let me down big time
Kickass43: got him running round shorin up the base
Kickass43: we’re still recoverin from th hurricane
IheartUSA: Yes, Katrina was devastating.
Kickass43: no I mean harriet
IheartUSA: How is she doing, sir? She got pretty roughed up.
Kickass43: not enuff!
Kickass43: harry’s wrse than evr
Kickass43: I’m like y don’t u teach an ethics cors
Kickass43: u kno jus 2 giv her sumthin after SCOTUS
IheartUSA: Yes, sir.
Kickass43: wuz danny boy’s brite idea
IheartUSA: Sounds good.
Kickass43: NOT
Kickass43: evry mornin straight after prayers
Kickass43: a hole freakin hour bout “ethics”
Kickass43: I’m like, harry, time for my security briefing
Kickass43: she’s like 2day’s topic is table manners
IheartUSA: Table manners, sir?!
Kickass43: uh huh
Kickass43: no 1 eats at the mess no mor
Kickass43: case she catches em usin the rong fork
Kickass43: stuff like dat
Kickass43: she’s evn got ruls bout the m&ms
Kickass43: sez we’re on the honor system
Kickass43: cant take mor than 1 pak
IheartUSA: So it’s good I’m back, sir.
Kickass43: darn rite
IheartUSA: And let me say, we need to get you back as well…
Kickass43: ?
IheartUSA: To that man I knew long ago in Dallas...
IheartUSA: To the man who stared personal disaster in the face…
IheartUSA: who rose to become president of the United States.
Kickass43: yeah well fine
IheartUSA: He didn’t rise by isolating himself.
IheartUSA: He rose by looking deep into himself…
IheartUSA: Seeing the man he could be…
IheartUSA: And with the help of the Lord, lifting himself up from despair...
IheartUSA: to lead a nation under siege.
Kickass43: that man didn’t hav pollsters
Kickass43: 39%!!
Kickass43: :-O
IheartUSA: Yes, well, that’s not great.
IheartUSA: I’ve been thinking a lot about it.
IheartUSA: And I have some suggestions.
Kickass43: ?
IheartUSA: First, sir, with all due respect, you’re too angry.
IheartUSA: You LOOK angry.
IheartUSA: Everytime I see you on television
IheartUSA: you’re acting like Barney just peed on the rug
Kickass43: lol
Kickarabootay: Seriously, sir.
IheartUSA: You’re wagging your finger and shaking your head
IheartUSA: I worry you’re about to roll up a newspaper
IheartUSA: and smack the electorate on the nose
Kickass43: k
Kickass43: will wrk on that
Kickass43: wat else?
IheartUSA: Australia.
Kickass32: wat bout it?
Kickarabootay: I notice it’s not on the schedule of your Asian tour.
Kickass43: thats cuz its not in Asia
IheartUSA: I realize that, sir. But it’s not far.
IheartUSA: Not that far.
IheartUSA: You could pop down.
IheartUSA: Shore up your image with a loyal and important ally.
IheartUSA: John Howard is extremely popular.
IheartUSA: I see a good photo-op.
IheartUSA: Both of you in blue shirts and those “Crocodile Dundee” hats.
IheartUSA: Could bring us back some security moms.
Kickass43: ur getting rusty girlfriend
Kickass43: danny boy already checkd it out
Kickass43: johno duznt want 2 b seen wit me rite now
Kickass43: hes like my bud tony
Kickass43: things r bettr 4 em if we don’t look 2 close
Kickass43: npda
IheartUSA: Excuse me?
IheartUSA: I don’t do this IM thing often, sir.
Kickass43: no public displays of affection
Kickass43: jus like wit kilgore in VA
Kickass43: I sho up and he loses
IheartUSA: Okay, sir.
IheartUSA: I have a back-up plan.
IheartUSA: Send me to Australia.
Kickass43: send U?
Kickass43: to oz?
Kickass43: :-/
IheartUSA: Yes, sir.
IheartUSA: They’ve just experienced a very close brush with terrorism.
IheartUSA: The people of Australia are worried and concerned.
IheartUSA: It’s a perfect moment for our administration to reach out.
IheartUSA: Show compassion.
IheartUSA: Show we stand by them.
Kickass43: show U stand by em
IheartUSA: As you said, sir: npda
IheartUSA: I think I’ve proven that I can represent the United States government more than adequately.
IheartUSA: I’ve won the hearts and minds of women all over the Middle East.
IheartUSA: It’s amazing what just a small display of caring can accomplish.
IheartUSA: Picture your special envoy embracing the children of Muslim immigrants
in the suburbs of Sydney.
IheartUSA: Showing that a safe society doesn’t mean an intolerant one.
Kickass43: they cd use sum of yr caring in the paris burbs
Kickass43: its thos kids of immigrants who r torchin cars
IheartUSA: That’s what I mean, sir.
IheartUSA: You’re angry.
IheartUSA: I understand.
IheartUSA: But it’s time to let go of the anger.
IheartUSA: Heal our friends in Australia.
IheartUSA: I could go over Christmas.
IheartUSA: Take my family.
IheartUSA: Besides, the Caribbean is all booked.
Kickass43: y don’t we run it by Johno
IheartUSA: Who, sir?
Kickass43: howard
Kickass43: the preem
IheartUSA: Terrific. I’ll contact the people at State.
Kickass43: no
Kickass43: rite now
Kickass43: wat time is it ovr there
IheartUSA: In Australia?
IheartUSA: It’s around lunchtime I believe.
Kickass43: gd
Kickass43: he’ll be online
IheartUSA: Do you think it would be better to go through the usual channels, sir?
IheartUSA: I’d hate to bother him when he’s busy…
Kickass43: heck no
Chat Invitation
Screen Names to Invite: TheWiz0oz, IheartUSA
Message to Send: Please Join Me in this Chat
Name of Buddy Chat Room: Xmas in Oz?
“IheartUSA” has entered the chat room
“The Wiz0oz” has entered the chat room
TheWiz0oz: gday Georgie!
Kickass43: wazzup johno
Kickass43: bad timin?
TheWiz0oz: good timing
TheWiz0oz: jus finished shakin hands with the unemployed
IheartUSA: Your dedication is impressive, Mr. Prime Minister.
TheWiz0oz: that’s strine 4 takin a leak
Kickass43: howz it goin down under
TheWiz0oz: busy as hell
TheWiz0oz: been goin flat out like a lizard drinking
TheWiz0oz: roundin up reffos
IheartUSA: Who, sir?
TheWiz0oz: u kno
TheWiz0oz: ragheads
TheWiz0z: your islamic froot loops
TheWiz0oz: we’re not poofs like those frogs
TheWiz0oz: wot can I do 4 u 2day georgie
Kickass43: we’re online wit my girl bud karen
Kickass43: she’s a “good sheila”
Kickass43: wants to kno if she can visit u at xmas
TheWiz0oz: that’s bonzer
TheWiz0oz: ur a texan ryte karen?
IheartUSA: Yes, sir.
The Wiz0oz: well then we’ll tayk u out to the station
TheWiz0oz: shoot sum roos
TheWiz0oz: mayb a galah or 2
TheWiz0oz: it’ll b a real corker
IheartUSA: Actually sir, I was hoping for a more official kind of visit.
IheartUSA: Your country very nearly came under attack.
IheartUSA: But thanks to the hardwork of your intelligence services
IheartUSA: and your first responders
IheartUSA: a major disaster was averted.
IheartUSA: As a representative of the American people
IheartUSA: I’d like to express our solidarity with you and your nation
IheartUSA: and our gratitude for your dedication, perseverance and courage
IheartUSA: at the frontlines of the War on Terror.
TheWiz0oz: pardon me, karen
TheWiz0oz: dya mind if we hava word privately georgie?
Kickass43: k
Kickass43: scuse us karen
Kickass43: brb
IheartUSA: Yes, sir. Of course.
Kickass43 has exited the chat room.
TheWiz0oz has exited the chat room.
TheWiz0oz: wots she yabberin on about???
Kickass43: sry johno
Kickass43: she jus sprung it on me
TheWiz0oz: strewth!
TheWiz0oz: the public will have a blue
TheWiz0oz: can’t have sum wowser coming over
TheWiz0oz: treatin us like a bunch of whingers
TheWiz0oz: it’ll b as useful as lips on a chicken
TheWiz0oz: don’t mean to grizzle
TheWiz0oz: ur a good mate
TheWiz0oz: but I reckon I’ll spit the dummy if she comes
Kickass43: ??
TheWiz0oz: strine for “NO”
Kickass43: got it
Kickass43: I’ll tell her
TheWiz0oz: there’s a good bloke
TheWiz0oz: when they’ve stopped rubbishing the war
TheWiz0oz: u and I’ll have a real ripper
TheWiz0oz: till then we’ll have to watch our tipple
TheWiz0oz: if u kno wot I mean
Kickass43: sur
Kickass43: hang in there bud
TheWiz0oz: hooroo
The Honorable John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia, is not currently online.
IheartUSA: So is it okay, sir?
IheartUSA: May I go to Australia?
Kickass43: duznt look good big K
Kickass43: he sez it’s the timing is a littl bit dicky
IheartUSA: “Dicky” sir?
Kickass43: strine for not gd
IheartUSA: Really, sir, I think I could make a difference…
Kickass43: come 2 camp dave 4 xmas insted
Kickass43: dont hav no roos
Kickass43; we can alwys make the secret service dudes dance
IheartUSA: I’m rolling on the floor laughing, sir.
Kickass43: ur gettin it
Kickass43: not bad 4 a conch who duznt know xmas from bourke st
IheartUSA: Sir??
Kickass43: jus sumthin I pickd up from johno
IheartUSA: Bon voyage, Mr. President.
Kickass43: puh-leese
Kickass43: no french!
The President of the United States is not currently online.
"The Secret presidential IMs" appears here every Tuesday.