THE BLOG

Grooms: You're Doing It Wrong

04/17/2015 05:32 pm ET | Updated Jun 17, 2015

Got a bridezilla on your hands? Couldn't care less about roses versus peonies? Staying silent at every single meeting you are being dragged to and mentally checking out during "wedding talk"?

You're doing it wrong!

Over the years I have noticed a trend -- and that trend is the one part of the engaged couple (the bride) who is interested in 100 percent of the details for the wedding and the other (the groom) is only concerned that the day will be here and over soon enough.

We hear all of the time "it's the bride's day" and therefore, vendors cater to the bride. It seems easy enough to assume that the bride knows what she wants and will be making the decisions and that the groom is just along for the ride. Frequently, vendors will make jokes to the groom along the lines of him just needing to show up and the whole "happy wife, happy life" deal.

Here's the problem: if you don't speak up, you won't get a happy wife. Perhaps you think your fiancé is simply patronizing you and really doesn't care about your opinion. There's a chance that you are right. However, there will come a point (believe me: it always happens) when your bride will start to care about your opinion. Before it gets to that point, you need to open your mouth and talk.

If you stay silent while the planning is going on, your fiancé will start to believe that you don't actually care about this wedding. She will then, especially in times of stress/mental breakdowns, take it out on you. You will hear things like "Why am I even doing this if you don't care?" and "Whatever, I'll just do this by myself with no help from you like everything else in our relationship." This will lead to a big eye roll from you, slamming doors from her, and nasty Facebook status updates about how you can't be bothered to decide if you want buttercream or fondant.

Once you're at that point, you might think that you really should start giving your opinions. No, do not do that. You know why? Because it's too late. She asked for your opinions when she didn't want them and then when she did want them. Now, if you give them, the absolute worst thing is going to happen: she's going to listen to what you have to say.

I know, I know! I just made it clear that you should speak up and now I'm shutting you down. Hear me out on this one though, because I see it all of the time. Frequently, grooms get to this point and then they feel pressured to say something, anything, to show they are contributing. 99 percent of the time these ideas are bad ideas. Sorry. However, your fiancé, knowing that she just berated your opinion out of you, will feel obligated to do the one thing you now have an opinion on. This means that if you just suggested she ditch the perfectly pink ombre theme she has been working on for months in favor of all black with turquoise stripes, she is going to do it.

I have seen, firsthand, weddings that were completed planned, down to the last linen, get completely turned upside down because the groom couldn't take the constant "tell me what you want, it's OUR wedding" comments from his bride anymore. To make it worse, the bride will then come to me full of "can you believe he wants THAT?" and I have to remind her (because that's the kind of planner I am: honest) that she asked for it.

So, grooms -- I'm begging you: if your fiancé asks for your opinion, please give her one early on in the planning process. Most likely, she will hate your opinion and dismiss it, to never ask you anything ever again. If you truly don't have an opinion, then make something up. She wants to know dahlias versus anything else, always pick dahlias (it's a flower, FYI). If you don't do this and she takes your opinion that you gave way too late in the game because she had to beat it out of you, you will regret it. Why? Because when it's the one thing that she and everyone else hates at the wedding, she will blame you (vocally) for the rest of your wedded lives together.

My advice for the brides? Stop trying to demand your groom to chime in. He picked you, he proposed, he's done. Otherwise, don't complain when you wind up with fire-breathing, car crushing robots at your reception with x-box games available during cocktail hour.