You're back from your honeymoon for a few weeks and WHAMMO...someone asks, "When are you going to have kids?" That someone is usually a well-meaning family member. Why are parents and family members so hung up on when you're going to have kids? Shouldn't they just be excited that you've met and married the love of your life?! Whether you have decided to wait a while, or are choosing not to have children at all, it's smart to prepare yourself (and your spouse) to joust questions on the subject numerous times. Being prepared and united as a couple on the topic of babies can minimize the impact of family questioning on your relationship.
From your parents or your in-laws, the insinuations about having babies are not something that you really want to deal with as a newlywed, but you could try to understand the reasons that parents feel so inclined to speak up on the subject. Their curiosity might come with a few reasons, wanting to be grandparents like their peers, needing future generations to take over the family business, or the wish to connect with you as parents.
Whether it is for one of these reasons or something else altogether, it is obvious that your family loves you and wants you to be happy. For that reason, be considerate and assure the person that you understand and appreciate the concern, but also be firm. Make it clear that starting a family is a personal decision that you will make with your spouse. Alert others you will share the news with them when the time is appropriate.
Depending on the situation, you can try deflecting the dreaded question with humor. For example, if a sibling asks when you're going to have a baby, you can ask them the same question (which is even more awkward if they're 16, aren't married or already have four kids.) You can always say "we're practicing," which is just off-color enough to nip the conversation in the bud. If a random store clerk asks, my favorite response was quizzing that person about their sex life. Tit for tat questioning seems to help the querying party understand the personal nature of their question and how disconcerting it is to have asked it.
The best way to take some of the shock out of the "When are you having kids?" question is to have already discussed the topic as a couple. Are you both gung-ho to procreate immediately? Do you need to wait based on financial concerns or having enough space? Have you made the decision to focus on your relationship and careers instead of children? Perhaps you want to explore the idea of adopting a child in a few years. Whatever your ideas are, knowing that you're on the same page will make answering family so much easier and prevent a "he said/she said" situation from occurring. Having sorted out your newlywed stance on children, you can now move on to decisions about fun things like apartment/house-hunting, dinner parties and first holidays together!
1) Look them directly in the eye and say "Why do you ask?"
2) Answer "We can't.......We're having too much fun!".
Such questions by family/ friends are examples of what makes a society- interest in others, and despite how annoying it may be, its usually asked by people who care about you - ie,: family and friends.
Such questions are inevitable for couples, so consider it part of a "right of passage", realise its usually a well intentioned question, and smile.
And dont be surprised that one day, after you get alittle bit older, you also find yourself asking that very same question , about people you care about.
OMG THANK YOU!!! And the one that lovely gem that follows up that one, "You don't want to wait too long...." Be happy that we've beaten the odds and are happy with one another. Children are a beautiful thing but take life an an entirely new direction.....
I love the question. It shows caring for the new family unit. It asks if all is well in the marital department. It suggests the inquirer wants to be a part of the new little one's life. It shows hope for continuation of the clan. I don't feel it is overly personal, or intrusive. Marriage is a group thing because the couple is part of the tribe.
Answering the question is easy: we can't, we're trying, I can't talk about it because this is so exciting to us,' X is sterile due to gunshot wound' , we're looking into adopting, we don't like kids - we prefer dogs, whatever floats your boat. Have some self esteem. Not a biggie at all.
That should end it. It makes no sense and it's a political hot potato.
Same with friends. I guess I just don't surround myself with people with whom I am not open and comfortable, nor with people so disrespectful that they would comically pester me. An innocent question is never out of line, in my book.
2) Others simply CANNOT have kids for whatever reasons, and shouldn't have to explain themselves.
It's not an "innocent" question... it's a charged question, it IS prying, and it's none of your business.
We're not talking about giving an interview to the Daily News. We're talking about the closest people in your life. I can't see why you should be so defensive against those people/
My spouse and I have been married for decades. We both are "childless by choice." My family is very private, so this was never an issue. My in-laws would make indirect comments. We knew we did not want children and had discussed this before we were engaged. We had a direct conversation with my spouse's parents. There were no further discussions (with me).
I used to encounter co-workers (with children) who would offer their unsolicited opinions and rude comments about people like me being "selfish." These same individuals would talk about their small children as if the children were responsible for their happiness and well-being.
These "adults" didn't understand that they were engaging in role reversal and they were the ones who were being selfish. It is not a child's responsibility to make an adult whole.
uh, no you don't. you're just civil enough not to beat them to a bloody pulp... you know you want to though.
I will love my future grandchildren - I already do; the idea of having a little child-of-my-child just is all kinds of exciting to me, and I'll certainly support any decision they make about when or even if they have children (though they already plan to someday). It just doesn't have to be right now, or on anyone's schedule but their own.
Take over the family business? Really? That's probably one of the most selfish reasons anyone could ever have for wanting to be a parent or a grandparent. It's right up there with "I want someone to take care of me when I'm old." So if the family business is their motivation for asking about my personal business, I don't feel the need to respond with any sort of tact.