As American economists and diplomats continue to speculate about the end of the recession, one global power has emerged from the difficult times a runaway winner: China. And with all the money that the United States owes to its lending partner, many are wondering how long it will actually take to recover. During that period, though, China's economy will undoubtedly be booming thanks to its enormous head start. The question we must ask then is how exactly China surpassed all of its powerful competition?
Easy. They cheat. And they get caught a lot. That's a sign not of Chinese citizens' incompetency or audacity, but of their vast cheating stronghold on all markets, matters and matches. Cheating is so pervasive that in 2007, the government had to threaten citizens not to cheat on the national land survey. This week, word is that "more than $100 million changes hands in China every year for ghost-written academic papers." Sure, the U.S. is the only country that cheats more on these assignments -- nobody claimed we were good cheaters. Maybe there's something Americans can learn from China about getting ahead, by looking back.
July 2008: "Education authorities in east China say they smashed a ring that used high-tech radio transmitters and receivers to help students cheat in the national college entrance exams."
October 2008: "Much has been written and said about five of the six members of China's gold medal-winning women's gymnastics team, the little girls who said they were 16, probably were 14 and looked like they were 12."
January 2009: "One thousand people, the highest number in recent years, were busted for trying to cheat in the annual central government civil servant exam, a Confucian tradition that opens the door to bureaucratic advancement."
December 2009: "Students who have tried to get a leg up on the Graduate Management Admission Test (GMAT) by visiting Web sites carrying illegally obtained test-preparation material may soon come to regret their actions...A key focus of GMAC's efforts is China...One of the Chinese cases that ended in disciplinary action involved a woman who took the GMAT on seven different occasions for seven different people."
So what's the secret to matching China's success? Become them. For that, turn to the Xbox 360 cheat code for NBA 2K10: "Go to "options" at the Main Menu, then go to "codes". Enter 2kchina to unlock the China Team. " The feeling of supremacy is a game system - and cheat code - away.
Note: This is a work of satire. Most likely bad satire.