From fashion blogs to creative writing classes, from audition rooms to high school cafeterias I notice a distinction -- famine. Yes, some trends have ossified into ground rules but looking, acting and producing any work of art similarly to others -- fitting in as we tend to call it -- is only the first step towards the dream. Because the end goal is generally not to be normal. It is to shine. To stand out.
I have tracked down a four step socialization process that I feel is applicable to multiple areas of interest. I call it "the social game". Let me describe it to you:
Participants: - You- The Group
Stage one: You are outside of the Group. You want to join the Group. You apply to join the Group. You read through the instructions. You learn the Group protocol by heart. You study and study and study and then you try and try and try. And then you are either get rejected or you move onto stage two.
Stage two: You are in the Group. You look around. You adjust. You wear their clothes, you apply their makeup, you talk like them, walk like them, breathe like them. You and them are one. You grow into the Group. And then you out grow it. So you move on to stage three.
Stage three: The Group is no longer enough. You want to lead it. You want to single yourself out. You want more than what everyone else has and you define what more means to you. You want your voice, your style, your own character. You want you- the ameliorated version of you to stand out on its own. It's time for stage four.
Stage four: You are an individual. No one else is you and that is your power.
Dragging or spinning ourselves through the borders of adolescence to adulthood, we tend to assume that we have successfully advanced our selves from stage three to four. We are adults, we say, so we own our sense of selves. We are we. The end.
Being 22 however and 4 years into adulthood, I still find myself struggling with the same questions and doubts I had when I was in my mid to late teens. Looking around, I see people who are older than I am, in their 40's, 50's, 70's that are still oscillating between stages two to four of the social game. They sometimes know who they are and sometimes they don't.
But I think that this is just life and as much as I love how-to's and strategic planning, I am ready to give in to the realization that we cannot control everything. So what I'm about to propose as a plan to grow into a stronger sense of individuality is not a panacea. It does not aim at making you fully independent because hey- who am I to talk? But it may help you stand on your own for a little while longer.
So here is my plan on excelling at the social game:
If you feel too uncertain, too insecure and too tired of following everyone else's lead:
1) Grab a pen and a notebook (or your laptop I mean, this is the 21st century after all). 2) Make a list of the things that you regularly do in your everyday life (do you blog? do you go to the gym? do you write novels? do you play basketball? do you sing? do you act? do you go to parties? do you cook? Keep track of as many things as you can remember)3) Start underlining the things that instinctively bring you joy (swimming, sketching, directing, running, training, volunteering)4) Cross everything else off that list (this is not a time to be diplomatic. If your intuition isn't certain just cross them off)5) Make a new list of the things you underlined and throw the old one away What you are left with is a strong, valid guide to your journey towards individuality.
Running a Facebook page named "Today I Failed At" that deals with issues of failure and success and interacting with many, many people (mostly through emails), who try and fail but reach out for guidance to move forward, I feel it is my need to point out that what all of us are looking for is not a mere subscription to a group of peers. Not one of the people who talk to me only wants to make it to one place and then stop. What they want is to try and to keep trying. And what I feel like their directing force is, is finding their own person. Their individuality.
I believe in effort and I believe in goals so aiming at becoming a distinct individual is - for me - a noble cause. This is why I decided to address the issue of growing into one's own.
So I took my plan out for a spin. I made my list and I came up with two things that only I and no one else around me finds so amusing and rewarding. My dual combination is:- Swimming in the ocean and- Blogging for Today I Failed At,
So after sending in this very article, I am going for a swim.
What is your combination?
To follow Today I Failed At, click hereTo contact me, email: spyropoulosdaphne@gmail.com