In continuing our discussion from Part 1, let's take a step back from the five strategies we suggested for parents when their child misbehaves, and do a little reality check,
To be clear, we were not hinting in Part 1 that parents should somehow avoid assigning consequences when their child's behavior calls for parental intervention and guidance. Most children, we have always found, have an innate sense of fairness, so even when they protest, if the consequences are fair, even-handed, predictable and appropriate, they will, soon enough, see them as such -- if only in the privacy of their own thoughts.
In short: parents who retreat from insisting on consequences for their child's misbehavior deprive their kids of essential lessons in limits and boundaries, not only in their relationships with others but also in relation to their own lives and bodies. A child who does not understand that fire [fill in your own risky behavior here] can injure or kill is a danger to himself and others. And considering what children are exposed to today in terms of social and sexual diseases, drinking, drugs and all the rest of it, a healthy sense of limits and boundaries may be the only inner guides that can keep them safe from injuring themselves or others.
Striking the Balance
Try your best to set clear expectations, worthwhile goals, balanced, reliable rules and reasonable limits with your child. Do all this in advance so that everybody, parent and child, are all on the same page as to what counts as acceptable behavior and what does not. Try to always distinguish between their misbehavior of the moment and the long-term character traits you hope to instill in them as human beings. So if your goals are encouraging them to take care of others, be courteous and kind and have human decency, try to keep those goals well in sight, even when little Billy hits his sister. Remember, you can always take a step back from a heated or complicated moment and say, "This is serious. I'm going to think about it." Give yourself a chance to cool down before prescribing consequences.
Then, when quieter moments arrive, revisit your ultimate goals for their lives and character in as many creative ways as you can with your child -- because we all need repetition and reconsideration if we are to truly learn any life lesson.
A Few More Essential Keys:
In an ideal world, providing as much routine and structure as possible in their daily schedules assists them in following your lead. Yet in a world of soccer practices, music lessons and all the rest, eating a quick dinner in the back seat will likely be part of their lives, and yours, too. So communicating as often as possible about what the coming weeks may demand of you as a family can help them to feel that their busy lives nevertheless have a solid "center" -- an axis point you are always orbiting together, even when schedules and family demands change. By contrast, when children feel scattered or unconnected to the changing or chaotic conditions around them, they rebel in ways they themselves don't often understand, making things even more difficult on parents and children alike.
So when they misbehave -- as they most certainly will -- try your best to discover what their true intent might be: is it to test their changing boundaries? Is it to express anger at life's uncertainties? Or could it be to draw your attention back to them, because they feel you have been emotionally absent or otherwise unavailable? Let's face it, to a kid -- and to many adults, as well -- negative attention is far preferable to no attention. So if they feel they can't keep your attention with positive achievements, they will likely try to draw you in by another way...
Which means the best strategy for a parent is to always seek first to understand the reasons for their child's misbehavior, and that means you'll need to ask them questions. So ask, even if their answers are few or evasive. In time, your genuine interest -- not combative or intrusive -- but your authentic desire to understand them will help them to provide you with clues, if not the answer itself.
So listen, listen and listen.
And did we mention to be sure to listen??
As always, we appreciate your comments here, or at our website, TheDancingParent.com, where you can find more useful information on a wide variety of parenting topics, features and useful links, and where you can also sign up for our blogs. Until next time, keep dancing! (This material is copyrighted.)
Christine Carter, PhD: How Learning Music Can Enhance Kids' Brain Development
Parenting.com: Pregnancy, Babies, Toddlers and Big Kids
Parenting Center: Parenting Tips and Advice from WebMD
Dr. Phil.com - Advice - A Discipline Questionnaire for Parents
Leslie King and Darryl Sollerh
i thought this was okay, until i had my own child. i could see she was so crushed by harsh treatment, so i started talking to her more and punishing less. i found that when i lost my voice to laryngitis, she acted much better. after that, i've never raised my voice at her again.
she's now a senior in high school, and the house is so peaceful. i get on her nerves and she on mine. but, we talk things out when we have a difference and show each other respect.
It is odd that some object to discovering why kids are upset, act out, and break the rules as you suggest, yet say they are for discipline, limits, rules, and such. Didn't you said the same thing? For example:
"...we were not hinting... that parents should somehow avoid assigning consequences when their child's behavior calls for parental intervention and guidance."
and...
"... set clear expectations, worthwhile goals, balanced, reliable rules and reasonable limits with your child. Do all this in advance so that everybody, parent and child, are all on the same page as to what counts as acceptable behavior..."
and...
"... parents who retreat from insisting on consequences for their child's misbehavior deprive their kids of essential lessons in limits and boundaries, not only in their relationships with others but also in relation to their own lives and bodies.
If setting limits, ensuring consequences, and establishing rules are "new age", then my parents were new age in the '50's and '60's.
Apparently, some object to being told they should listen to their children's concerns regarding situations contributing to bad behavior. I wonder if those feeling that way would refuse to listen to employee concerns too?
Kids need parental experience guiding them; parents need to listen to know when the kids wander off the path. Besides, it shows you give a damn, and may avoid them seeking advice from other, less reliable "sources".
Merry Christmas!
Lawson Meadows
You are free to argue that the authors are wrong, but please try to summarize their arguments accurately.
My personal observation about a lot of parenting I see outside my family is that parents are too lenient and consequences for poor, or genuinely self-destructive, behavior is practically non-existent. We wonder why kids are so aimless today? It's because they have had everything done for them their whole lives, with little practice on how to be responsible and independent.
I'm a big fan of giving kids greater responsibility along with greater privileges. Operative word here is "privilege" which can be taken away when behavior or school performance is not up to snuff.
Child's intent should be to behave and respect their parents wished by telling their parent what they are doing before hand until they are 18 years old !
If they are adventuring to into new areas of life I have to be informed.
Mine know they can come to me with anything I do not care what it is. I taught mine the I can not protect them epically from themselves if they do not help me.
So if they get into trouble and have no talked to me first they know I will be there to listen but they take the full responsibility for their actions.
I am their adviser and parent not an investigating body looking for evidence. I will not prying and searching for meaning of what my kids are doing !t
My kids owe me more respect than that to force me into that position.
I am the Parent not their friend.
Must be doing something right. None in jail or on probation doing great in school and heading for college even have colleges head hunting 2nd oldest for Medical School.
Parent get your kids to watch the MIT Lectures on Youtube epically the Physic Lectures. When they see Math Applied to practical needs they will light up.
I also demand my kids take accounting classes because they will be dealing with money their whole lives no matter what kind of work they do.
Can't argue with success, though the presentation was a bit sloppy; a small problem proofreading would surely fix . However, what most people forget is wisdom and truth don't have to pass "no English tests"... so to speak.
The fact that you raised 5 boys and kept them all free from serious trouble is impressive. I would guess one key to your success might be the establishment of their trust in you and in themselves.
When reading your comment and the article, I see many similarities and believe you are not that far apart. Ultimately, the authors support the application of specific consequences, clear expectations, listening, and respect...
"...set clear expectations, worthwhile goals, balanced, reliable rules and reasonable limits with your child."
... sounds like what you did, so your "not buying it" is a little puzzling. Nevertheless, much of you approach is supported by practical results and solid research, i.e. parental expectation tends to influence children's behavior in that direction, and the opposite... no expectations ... has little to no positive effect.
There are many paths leading to guiding children toward being capable, fully functioning adults, but, all of them have one thing in common: engaged parents who give a damn; it appears you do. I'm a fan for that reason alone, not to mention raising five boys.
Lawson Meadows
PS: You have to admit what janedoe31 wrote was sorta funny, maybe that's why she wrote it(?)
Being clear about your own intentions also helps. Intending to understand your child's behavior is number one. To find out where they are coming from is essential. Punishment and consequences don't mean much if the child doesn't feel understood as to why - then they can repeat the behavior until you do intend to listen and understand them.
if children are introduced to the idea that hitting is ok if the receiver sufficiently disappointed us, when are they to unlearn that, exactly? their parents are showing them that physically assaulting a younger, smaller, less learned, curious little person is ok, so how would this not be a cause for the violence you mention, instead of a cure? (if i make no sense it's because my own "little monster" has run me ragged today)
You're confusing discipline with punishment, like so many people do. Discipline comes from the word disciple. Your kid will follow your lead!