Burning Bras with Keira Knightley

I always thought she was gorgeous. That face. That skin. That elegant willowy body. And talented. Period English films. Pirate action movies. A teenage soccer movie. What couldn't that girl do?

In addition to all that, Keira Knightley, age 23, now becomes my inspiration. For standing up to the Hollywood system and the popular culture and for demanding that she be accepted as she is: with micro breasts.

By doing this, Keira seems to be speaking directly to me. Directing me to do what she did. Demanding that I be accepted as I am: with missing breasts.

Unlike Keira I didn't grow up knowing the particular agony of being a flatchested teenage girl. In fact, I had the opposite experience. My breasts were nearly full blown by age 9, when my mother forced me to get my first bra -- a size 34B. And my cup size didn't stop there. So my bustline was the opposite of Keira's -- and I always envied the flatchested girls.

Which proves we all want what we don't have.

And also proves that you should be careful what you wish for.

Because when I was 45, I got my wish. My breasts betrayed me. They conspired with my body to commit treason. They were tried by a jury of doctors, and found guilty of pre-meditated murder. As the intended victim, I served as the judge. And I sentenced my breasts to death. I cut them off.

This was in the 90's, when the trans-flap breast reconstruction surgery was just becoming popular. It truly was a brilliant idea -- they take your excess abdominal tissue and use it to make breasts -- making this one of the very few perks for women who need mastectomies. New perky breasts and a tummy tuck at the same time. For me, the chance to fulfill my fantasy of having an A cup size.

My other lifetime fantasy was to be thin. Thanks to cancer and chemotherapy, I was thinner than I had ever been. And that meant, according to all the plastic surgeons I consulted, they could not perform the new state of the art surgery. I didn't have enough tissue in my tummy to make even one A-size breast, let alone two.

I was too thin? Another good example of "Be careful what you wish for."

So much of life is about timing. Today, 12 years later, I have enough tummy tissue to make breasts for the whole neighborhood. But at the time, my only option was implants.

I'll spare you the details and cut to the chase. After living with the implants for a few months, my body rejected them. Leaving me flatchested. Not flatchested like Keira -- but with scars and lumps and bones and skin. So I did what most women did in my situation: I wore fakes.

I could write a book about my adventures with breast prostheses. I would get dressed every morning like every other woman, only my routine was a little different. Panties, bra, breast, breast. Since I hated mastectomy bras and stuck to real lingerie, my fake breasts would occasionally slip or wander out of place when I wasn't looking. I am embarrassed to admit to environmentalists that I accidentally lost a pair while snorkeling at the Great Barrier Reef. And I always wonder whether some future tourist will think they're discovered some strange new species of coral.

After 10 years with two mounds of rubber perched on my chest, I finally gave them up. Just stopped wearing them. I'm lucky that my husband could care less; I am past the days when construction workers would hoot at me; most people who know me know I had breast cancer. So why was I bothering to live a fantasy? Like Keira, I chose not to have my body artificially enhanced.

I adapted my wardrobe to include more scarves, more shawl collars, and got a bonus from the fashion industry when babydoll tops and other loose styles suddenly got popular. I was good to go.

It's been almost two years since I tossed out my breasts and honestly if I had not written this piece, I would bet that most people who know me never noticed I stopped wearing them.

But I'm glad I got this off my chest.

And it is thanks to Keira Knightley that I came out of the closet.

Women of my generation burned our bras to make a statement. That isn't going to work because I don't wear a bra anymore. And apparently, neither does Keira.

But my hope is that by her simple act of defiance, Keira inspires a new generation of women to accept their bodies -- and all women to realize that our breasts don't define who we are.

Comments

[Robert59]

I too applaud Keira for standing her ground.

As for breasts my wife underwent a bilateral in '05; she wanted reconstruction because it allowed her to be treated at an NCI recognized institute as the military hospital didn't have a plastic surgeon on staff. She opted for the trans lat. Everyone has reasons for doing what they do, but hers was she didn't want to look in the mirror and be reminded she had cancer.

She's happy with the outcome; the missing muscles didn't interfere with her golf swing but she does miss the sensations she had when she had nipples.

[Darryle Pollack - Huffpost Blogger]

We both applaud Keira and I applaud you for contributing your story.

I hope you don't need to read between the lines to realize that, just like your wife, I did choose reconstruction. I am not suggesting or trying to imply that any woman should choose to have no breasts; it's just the way things turned out for me. If I were diagnosed today, I would absolutely have reconstruction---especially now that I have plenty of tummy available to make breasts.

I'm glad the results turned out so well for your wife. Although I wish my results had been different, I have to say I don't look in the mirror and think about cancer. I look in the mirror and think about cellulite.

[Robert59]

Thanks.

She had a great plastic surgeon. She was also close to you in age, just turned 43, when she was diagnosed and it came within a month of me being gone on a 15 month deployment.

Her plastic surgeon discussed the options, implants only which sound easy but have alot of complications as the only thing holding them up is skin. Using abdominal muscles has alot of risk too; one needs to be lean or the risk of recurrent hernia goes way up. The procedure she and the doctor thought best was to take back muscles. Since she had a bilateral she had reconstructive surgery on both.

It wasn't a walk in the park as she needed follow on surgeries and the cancerous side didn't want to heal. It perplexed her doctor as he didn't know if it was the absence of lymph nodes or a cruel twist of cancer.

If her implants hadn't been successful she would have taken the route you did.

One thing you and she definitely have in common is a very good sense of humor. In some very dark times she found the strangest things to laugh about. Faith in her doctors who were very good, her optimistic nature, and a desire to live (we have three teenagers) played various roles.

If I might put in a plug for a good read it's Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book. What a godsend!

[fisharefreinds]

I am grateful for your post. Boobs have become another feminist issue.
My niece got implants from her X-husband ("it was a going away gift")
when they divorced. I always thought this was cheesy. Whenever we see
her now, we all stare at her boobs--they are so big.
Its high time we burned our bras again, don't you think?

[Darryle Pollack - Huffpost Blogger]

Wow--I wonder if divorce attorneys will start negotiating for implants instead of alimony. As for breasts becoming a feminist issue--don't even get me started. But thanks for commenting.

[mamacat]

Bravo!
Thank you so much for your story.
I would like to comment by way of telling another story.

My spouse and I are self-described film buffs. (One of the advantages of being retired, we can watch all the movies we care to.) We have both noticed that in the old American movies, and in the current off-shore movies, body surgery is not seen. Lauren Bacall was beautiful and sexy in those movies with Humphrey Bogart, but she was not artificially enhanced. Most of the Hollywoood sirens of the 30s and 40s looked more like Keira Knightley than Sophia Loren, and even Sophia Loren would be encouraged to have breast implants if she were starting out today. We love to watch good foreign movies, and as an added benefit we get to see people in a society where the women do not mutilate themselves, and where most people drive small cars, if they drive at all.

I think we forget that the phenomenon of disrespecting women's bodies by pushing them into totally unneeded plastic surgery is a strictly North American custom. There is an entire world beyond our borders, and in many ways it is saner than what we live with within our borders. We criticise the custom of wearing the burka in Afghanistan, but we make our own women feel that they must have cosmetic surgery in order to be accepted.

[Darryle Pollack - Huffpost Blogger]

You had me at hello---but lost me with the burka. I agree with much of what you say about the US standards of beauty--and old movies--and hope the new movie stars like Keira Knightley can help change things.

[mamacat]

Hi again. Have known too many women who got cancer, and breast cancer to boot. It is always traumatic. Very glad you made it through it. Both my parents had cancer.

What I was concentrating on was the way we obsess over a perceived need to use plastic surgery to change the way women look. Humans are beautiful, less so when they use plastic surgery as elective surgery. Sort of a bugaboo of mine. Sorry for changing the subject away from reconstructive surgery.

It has been my experience that once someone makes up their mind to get breast enhancements, nothing will change their mind. Maybe your article, and more like it, will help to change what seems to be a "beauty" before health trend.

Best of luck to you and your son.

[edgraham]

Keira Knightley is beautiful. So many stars look silly with their bubble breasts.

Reading about the mastectomy results is trully upsetting. I hope that all patients can become comfortable in their new skin, but I know that can't happen.

From a male prospective, I think Keira could not improve her beauty with fake anything.

[Darryle Pollack - Huffpost Blogger]

Love having a male perspective. Always important for us women to remember that there are a lot of men like you (and my husband,) out there, and wish you could spread your attitude about breasts into the entire male population.
On a more serious note, I have known men who don't have that attitude, especially when their wives or partners have had a mastectomy--which makes breast cancer even harder to bear.
Thanks for your comment and I agree that Keira is beautiful just the way she is.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Thank you for your personal courage, both in your private life and your choice to inspire others by sharing it.

Oh that there was elective surgery to install self-esteem.

[Darryle Pollack - Huffpost Blogger]

Oh I love your line about elective surgery--thanks for the chuckle and also thanks for your comment which is much appreciated.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

No prob.
Cheers.

[Lauren Cahn - Huffpost Blogger]

I had double mastectomy when I was 36 and opted for implants. They have been awful. I have had my reconstruction reconstructed twice now, and it still looks awful. Unlike you, I gained weight during chemo. I wish I had known that would happen, then maybe I would have waited and had the flap surgery. I got thin again after the whole ordeal was over, and being thin makes the implants look even worse. But for the most part I am okay with this. The vanity over the boobs has really not been much of a factor. When I have had surgery to correct them, it has been at the suggestion of people who have said, "Hey, I know a doctor who could really help you," and after a consult, and with the understanding that my health plan pays for it, well, I think what the hell. The disappointment that ensues is not acute. It is just a dull realization that this is never really going to be "all that".

Meanwhile...

My sister in law got these gigantically huge implants a couple of years ago. I have trouble looking at her.

Not out of jealousy. But out of pity. Because I know that boobs don't matter enough to me to make me try to look like a Barbie Doll.

And besides, I am alive!

[Darryle Pollack - Huffpost Blogger]

Reading about your breast saga, I can see why you might have become so involved with yoga. (checked out your profile) Somehow you never hear these stories BEFORE the reconstruction, only after.
I had five surgeries in the first year of cancer--so decided right then, never to have any elective surgery for the rest of my life. An issue in itself as I've grown older.
Sounds like you and I are in similar places at this point--accepting of the bodies we have ended up with, completely baffled by women with enormous implants--and mostly relieved and grateful to be alive. Thank you so much for telling your story.

[earlgreyrooibos]

I'm glad I stopped at a 34B - I am NOT jealous of my D-cup sister in the slightest! Heck, I wouldn't mind even being smaller. I love that I don't have to wear a bra.

And kudos to Kiera and everyone else who loves their size the way it is!

[Darryle Pollack - Huffpost Blogger]

I was the D-cup sister in my family; my sister has breasts the size of raisins--a constant source of sibling rivalry from my end. Despite all I've been through, I am happy to eliminate bras from my wardrobe. Permanently. Sounds like you're comfortable as you are--good for you!