Barack Obama's constant caving to nasty conservatives is emboldening Republicans who doubt the president will draw a line in the sand on anything other than a beach. So, over the next few months, we may see the following GOP demands and Obama capitulations:
-- Republicans insist that tax cuts for the rich last through eternity. Obama prefers that tax cuts expire when the "Andy Capp" comic strip is finally funny -- which may take longer than eternity.
-- The GOP pushes for the execution of anyone connected with the very useful WikiLeaks. Obama agrees, but requests an electric chair powered by "clean coal."
-- Republicans, in a nod to Bush and Cheney, want waterboarding legalized. Obama gives the OK, as long as refreshing bottled water is used.
-- The GOP calls for an Afghanistan-like surge into Bob Herbert's great New York Times column. Obama backs the invasion if U.S. troops will later withdraw from Herbert's op-ed space to protect the only Manhattan landmark visible from outer space: Mayor Bloomberg's ego.
-- Republicans demand that health-care reform never, ever have a public option. Obama responds that Americans deserve the option to publicly die if they can't reach a privately-owned building before collapsing.
-- The GOP suggests that bonuses for greedy Wall Street types increase 400%. Obama wants a mere 399% rise so that baseball's Ted Williams remains the last man to break the 400 mark.
-- Republicans say unemployment benefits should end for everyone who's jobless. Obama calls for those benefits to be extended 26 nanoseconds.
-- The GOP demands that any arms treaty with Russia be nixed unless the U.S. is allowed to build a zillion more nuclear bombs. Obama, to honor his presidential-predecessor pal, asks that all zillion bombs be "nucular."
-- Republicans call for labor unions to be outlawed. Obama seeks a grandfather clause allowing current workers to stay unionized if they joined their locals before 1492.
-- The GOP pushes for all liberals to be kicked out of the country. Obama prefers to deport only those liberals who are fans of Bob Herbert, Stephen Colbert, Arianna Huffington, Paul Krugman, Rachel Maddow, Bill Maher, Michael Moore, Keith Olbermann, Jon Stewart, and Deputy Dawg.
-- Republicans want to discriminate against gays and lesbians by never allowing them the right to marry. Obama agrees, but requests that same-sex couples get discount copies of his Dreams from My Heterosexual Father book.
-- The GOP demands that Sarah Palin's "how's that hopey-changey thing workin' for ya?" phrase be printed on U.S. currency. Obama says yes in exchange for a positive Fox News mention of his book The Audacity of Hopey-Changey.
Obama's gutsy compromises will energize his base... to not vote for any wimpy Democrats in 2012.