This Blog Post Is Even Weirder Than Michael Jackson

Buddy Holly, Patsy Cline, Sam Cooke, Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Elvis Presley, Keith Moon, Sid Vicious, John Lennon, Bob Marley, Marvin Gaye, Freddie Mercury, Kurt Cobain, Selena, Jerry Garcia, Joe Strummer, and now Michael Jackson. They are among the musical legends who prematurely entered the great delete folder in the sky, and lots of attention has been paid to their deaths. Think of all the great music they might have still made! (Well, maybe not Michael Jackson, who in 2009 was as relevant as an Atari computer.)

Yet the general public doesn't mourn the deaths of less-famous people who might have continued to also do great things if they hadn't left us before their time. For instance, accountant Arnold Binksolotl planned to prepare another excellent tax return for Betsy Slonkabonk next year until succumbing to cancer caused by smoking rolled-up 1040 forms. Arnold might have even gotten Betsy a tax credit for her membership in the Interplanetary Association of People Who Don't Believe There's Life on Other Planets. But, alas, Arnold is gone, and the media chose to focus on Michael Jackson instead. Where was the 24/7 coverage of "The CPA King"? If only Arnold had figured out a way to deduct interest in underage children.

Or how about Sabrina Accordienne-Playeur, the supermarket cashier? She packed a grocery bag just right -- putting the heavy dishwasher detergent on the bottom, the fragile avocados on top of the dishwasher detergent, and a five-ton Hummer H3 on top of the avocados. When I stuffed the grocery bag in the trunk of my Toyota Corolla, the Hummer made my car feel so masculine that it became a Toyoto Corollo and the institution of heterosexual marriage was saved. But Sabrina is gone now, and the only mention in the newspaper was a paid obit submitted by her jump-averse cat Never Lands, who gets 1 mpg city and 2 mpg highway when chasing snails in mouse costumes. Sabrina's death received little media attention despite the fact that she had as many number-one songs as Michael Jackson did the past 14 years (zero).

Then there's Ellen Elcindaravitz (nee Knee), the newspaper deliverer who was losing customers as people increasingly got their news online. So instead of tossing newspapers from her car window each morning to her dollar-a-day subscribers, Ellen would fling $1,000 laptops onto the walkways of each customer. The laptops got smashed to bits every time they hit the ground, but Ellen was proud to be delivering online news. She did lose $999 on each delivery, but reduced that to $998 after receiving advice via Twitter from Arnold Binksolotl, Bernard Madoff, and 138 other eccentric financial experts (Ellen's fiscal dream team was limited to 140 characters). Yet Ellen's death was covered like she was a tree that fell in a forest that had no recognizable human beings within hearing distance. A post-plastic surgery Michael Jackson might have been there but, as I said, there were no recognizable human beings within hearing distance.

Finally, there's Bob Einsteinbrenner, the fantasy baseball genius who assembled a team that included Buddy Holly at first base; Patsy Cline at second; Sam Cooke at short; Brian Jones at third; Jimi Hendrix in left; Janis Joplin in center; Jim Morrison in right; Elvis Presley behind the plate (containing a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich); Keith Moon, Sid Vicious, John Lennon, Bob Marley, and Marvin Gaye in the starting rotation; Freddie Mercury, Kurt Cobain, Selena, Jerry Garcia, and Joe Strummer in middle relief; and Michael Jackson as closer. Few of them could hit or pitch a lick, but Bob figured that every real baseball player would eventually be suspended for using steroids and his team would become the only one left standing. When asked if some of his team might be suspended for using OTHER kinds of drugs, Bob dropped dead at the realization that his grand plan had holes ("we are NOT the champions," he gasped, channeling Queen's Freddie Mercury). But Bob's demise received only one media mention, when a sports-radio caller said Michael Jackson's odd clothing made it difficult for the gloved one to snap off a decent curve. The caller -- "Janet from Joisey" -- added that The Jackson 5 never won a World Series because it didn't have enough players.

Michael Jackson ... RIP. I was a fan of his music in the '80s, and there was a sweet person in him along with the weirdness. I also think he could moonwalk better than Bob Einsteinbrenner, Ellen Elcindaravitz (nee Knee), Sabrina Accordienne-Playeur, and Arnold Binksolotl -- but I have to verify that with the interplanetary Betsy Slonkabonk.

Comments

[BostonSMS]

Mike Bloomfield! I had his Electric Flag album years ago, and one of his songs always pops into my mind during mind-numbing meetings: Slow Dance On A Killing Floor. Dave, a great column for a reunion of Grim Reaperees.

[Flahdagal]

Stevie Ray Vaughan, and Hank Senior (29), puh-lease.

[Dave Astor - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Flahdagal,
Thanks -- you mentioned two VERY important names. As I replied to another person who commented, my first paragraph was getting too unwieldy to mention every great singer or musician who died young. There were so many words in that paragraph that none of the words could say, "I'm so lonesome I could cry."
Best wishes, Dave

[DaveLieber]

I'd like to see this as a long drawn-out cartoon in MAD magazine. Bill Gaines, are you listening?

[Dave Astor - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Dave,
Thanks for the flattering comment! Too bad Alfred E. Neuman never released a record album....
Best wishes, Dave

[Dave Astor - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi ajinnyc,
Thanks for those two names! I realize I could have mentioned many other music stars who died young, but my first paragraph was already getting too long! My apologies also to Tupac Shakur, Jim Croce, John Bonham of Led Zeppelin, and various others -- including even Karen Carpenter!
Best wishes, Dave

[MugRuith1]

Howdy, Mr. Astor!

-- . . . among the musical legends who prematurely entered the great delete folder in the sky . . . --

Hey! Eubie Blake was only 96 when he passed!

MugRagtimeRuith1

[Dave Astor - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi MugRuith1,
LOL!
I think Eubie Blake was even older than the Jonas Brothers are now, but I'm not sure....
Best wishes, Dave

[ajinnyc]

Let's not forget Mike Bloomfield and Roy Buchanan!