At first, I didn't think the "Cash for Clunkers" program was for me. My car is fuel-efficient, and I don't expect it to break down until five nanoseconds after its warranty runs out.
But I needed the money during this Great Recession, so I had to figure out how to become a "Cash for Clunkers" guy. And figure it out I did! I have now collected so many $3,500 and $4,500 checks that my cat uses them to tile the floor of his guest house.
Here's how I did it: First, I made a list of all the unpleasant Republican politicians. After several days in the hospital for treatment of writer's cramp, I traded in each of these GOP clunkers. They included George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Newt Gingrich, Rudy Giuliani, Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, Mark Sanford, Jeff Sessions, and many, many others. Getting them to the junkyard wasn't easy until I decided to slap a 44-cent stamp on each of their foreheads and pop the pols in the mail.
Then I gathered some unpleasant conservative commentators so I could trade in those clunkers. Among them: Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Bill O'Reilly. I had to put more than one postage stamp on Rush.
But I wasn't finished yet. I collected and cashed in nutty "birthers" who claim Barack Obama wasn't born in the United States, bank CEOs who dispensed obscene bonuses after being bailed-out by taxpayers, insurance-company CEOs who are fighting much-needed health reform so they can protect their obscene profits, and other clunkers extraordinaire. I even threw in some "Blue Dog Democrats" who are helping to water down health reform.
Given that these Blue Dogs are fiscal conservatives, I didn't put any stamps on their foreheads before mailing them off. This turned out to be a mistake, because they were returned today marked "insufficient party loyalty." But I'm still rich from the "Cash for Clunkers" program, and my cat has promised not to trade me in as long I continue to write for The Huffington Post.