Whatever It Is, Republicans Are Against It!

When congressional Republicans oppose President Obama on almost everything, they argue that they're doing so for legitimate reasons -- not because they're just being anti-Barack or anti-Democrat.

So we decided to test this thesis by suggesting various pieces of legislation any sincere politician would favor to see if at least some congressional Republicans would cross party lines to vote with the Democratic majority.

-- Congressional Democrats urge Wall Street bankers to return their undeserved bonuses, but all Republicans vote no. (GOPers say they need to support their loyal southern base, and Wall Street is in southern Manhattan.)

-- Congressional Democrats commend the Ford Motor Company for not taking federal money, but all Republicans vote no. (GOPers say Henry Ford, when running for the U.S. Senate in 1918, didn't denounce Bill Clinton.)

-- Congressional Democrats belatedly congratulate Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band for their great Super Bowl halftime show, but all Republicans vote no. (GOPers say George W. Bush and the K Street Band should've appeared instead.)

-- Congressional Democrats praise puppies and kittens, but all Republicans vote no. (GOPers say animals don't wear American flag pins on their lapels.)

-- Congressional Democrats call for support of mom and apple pie, but all Republicans vote no. (GOPers say mom and apple pie weren't listed in alphabetical order.)

-- Congressional Democrats commend the sun for shining, but all Republicans vote no. (GOPers say the sight of people wearing sunglasses reminds them of Hollywood liberals.)

-- Congressional Democrats decide not to outsource the air every American breathes, but all Republicans vote no. (GOPers say Democrats wouldn't outnumber them any more if every American got asphyxiated.)

***

If you have your own Republicans-will-vote-against-anything scenario, please post it!

Comments

[Senzasord]

07:04 PM on 03/13/2009

"I have always believed that the nine most terrifying words in the English language were,'I am a Republican and you can trust me.'"

[Dave Astor]

07:57 PM on 03/13/2009

Hi Senzasord,
You're right! Those nine words scare the heck out of me, too. It would make a terrifying Halloween costume to wear a placard featuring those nine words! Thanks for the great comment.
Best wishes,
Dave

[3fingerbrown]

09:31 AM on 03/13/2009

Congressional Democrats say that fruit is good for you. (GOP'ers say, hey, wait a minute, we're talking apples and oranges here.)

[Dave Astor]

09:53 AM on 03/13/2009

Hi 3fingerbrown,
Thanks for your very clever comment! Is your tag based on that old Cubs pitcher Mordecai Brown who lost some fingers?
Best wishes, Dave

[3fingerbrown]

10:58 AM on 03/13/2009

Dave: If you can see me typing this, you'd know why they call me 3finger! Had I known when when I was in high school that we'd soon become a nation of hunchbacked typists, I'd have paid more attention in typing class.

[OldManJack2]

06:46 AM on 03/13/2009

So Republicans are against everything? Well let me tell you some things that Republicans are FOR:
fiscal sanity, smaller deficits, smaller government, ethics in government, lower taxes, less of the kind of regulation that is driving our jobs overseas, less welfare, fewer earmarks, democracy, individual freedom, secret ballots when voting whether or not to unionize, firm military defense of our country, freedom of speech (including on the radio). And there are a few things we're agains; treating people differently depending on their race, constitutional rights for foreign terrorists, ballooning deficits, socialsim, communisn, fascism, marxisn, politicians using the force of government to attack individuals because they disagree with us, using federal funds to reward voting blocks who vote for us, corruption in government. Those are just a few of the things that differentiate us from Democrats.

[democratbob]

07:00 AM on 03/13/2009

You're really funny. If you weren't serious, you'd be a comedian.

[Dave Astor]

07:56 AM on 03/13/2009

Hi democratbob,
Thanks! I loved your comment.
Best wishes,
Dave

[Dave Astor]

08:00 AM on 03/13/2009

Hi OldManJack2,
I appreciate hearing from you. But Republican George W. Bush increased the deficit when he was in office, increased the size of government, had an administration full of ethical violators, etc.
Best wishes,
Dave

[IronValkyrie]

07:47 PM on 03/12/2009

Congressional Democrats introduce legislation to rebuild America as a social Democracy in the same vein as Canada, but Republicans vote no. (GOPs believe only a fascist government will prevail.)

[Dave Astor]

08:16 PM on 03/12/2009

Hi IronValkyrie,

Thanks for your comment! I wish congressional Democrats would introduce that kind of legislation more than they have! But the current Congress sure beats the one during most of the Bush presidency.

Best wishes,

Dave

[IsaacKuo]

05:06 PM on 03/12/2009

Congressional Democrats vote to rename "French Fries" to "Freedom Fries", but all Republicans vote against it because it is soooo stupid.

Oh wait--other way around.

[Dave Astor]

06:24 PM on 03/12/2009

Hi IsaacKuo,

Soooo true! Thanks for your clever comment.

Best wishes,

Dave

[bronceye]

03:39 PM on 03/12/2009

The party of Reagan(Nancy). Just say no.

[midwesterners5]

03:52 PM on 03/12/2009

Hi bronceye,

Well-said!

Best wishes,

Dave

[jbusch8]

03:06 PM on 03/12/2009

Democrats propose mandatory blood testing for all major leaguers, but republicans vote against it - GOPers dig the long ball.

[midwesterners5]

03:27 PM on 03/12/2009

Thanks, jbusch8! And home-run hitters make so much money that most of them are probably Republicans!

Best wishes,

Dave

[midwesterners5]

03:01 PM on 03/12/2009

Great article, Dave! Why does the media give these anti-everybody and everything dinosaurs such a pass? Great to see you cutting through the B & S.

[midwesterners5]

03:17 PM on 03/12/2009

Hi Midwesterners5,

Thanks! You asked a very good question.

Best wishes,

Dave

[TomH7259]

02:49 PM on 03/12/2009

Congressional Democrats introduce a resolution proclaming "Gravity Day", to acknowledge the Scientific Existence of Gravity. Republicans vote No, because you can't see gravity, and therefore gravity cannot be proven to exist. The chair of the Republican Party also issued a statement saying that things fall down, because they are "intelligently designed" to do so.

[midwesterners5]

03:29 PM on 03/12/2009

Hi TomH7259,

Thanks! That was great GOP-as-anti-science satire!

Best wishes,

Dave

[mredder4]

01:04 PM on 03/12/2009

-Congressional Democrats vote to give representation to the citizens of Washinton, D.C. (The GOP voted no, since they are running out of locations to legally oppress minority voters.)

[Dave Astor]

01:15 PM on 03/12/2009

Hi mredder4,

That's a really good one. Thank you!

Best wishes,

Dave

[MsEngineer]

03:05 PM on 03/12/2009

I just had that discussion with my brother who lives in Maryland. He said DC shouldn't get Congressmen because they only have 600,000 people. The fact that Wyoming has fewer (532,000), and Vermont and North Dakota don't have many more, never occurred to him. If I lived in DC I would have a really hard time paying Federal taxes due to that strange thing called no taxation without representation thingy.

[midwesterners5]

03:23 PM on 03/12/2009

Hi MsEngineer,

Thanks! I agree completely with your comments.

Best wishes,

Dave

[MugRuith1]

11:15 AM on 03/12/2009

Howdy, Mr. Astor!

-- If you have your own Republicans-will-vote-against-anything scenario, please post it! --

According to the Dead-Tree Edition of the narrowly distributed "Kaiser Roll Call" this morning:

-- Congressional Democrats request the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to award an honorary Oscar to late President Ronald -- "Where's the Rest of Me?" -- Reagan for his amazing body of work in Tinseltown, but all Republicans vote no. (GOPers say Reagan's best acting was done not in Hollywood but in Washington.)

-- Congressional Democrats rename the House of Representatives' Committee on Standards of Official Conduct in recognition of the ethics example set by former Speaker Newt -- "I Am Not a Salamander, Regardless of Anything My Ex May Have Claimed" -- Gingrich, but all Republicans vote no. (GOPers say it is best to let sleeping dogs lie, although they do acknowledge Gingrich's historical role in doing the Wright thing.)

-- Congressional Democrats resolve to balance the federal budget in the 2017 fiscal year, but all Republicans vote no. (GOPers say they do not want to commit to a balanced budget because President-in-Waiting Jeb -- "I Don't Even Know Anyone Named George" -- Bush plans to invade Andorra, Costa Rica, and/or Singapore shortly before the conclusion of his first term in office.)

Yours in Equinimity,

MugHorseFeathersRuith1

[Dave Astor]

11:33 AM on 03/12/2009

Hi MugRuith1,

Brilliant trio of suggestions! Thanks for posting them! And, as for your final signature, wasn't "Horsefeathers" with the Marx Brothers a great movie?

Best wishes,

Dave

[MugRuith1]

12:23 PM on 03/12/2009

Howdy, Dave!

-- [W]asn't "Horse Feathers" with the Marx Brothers a great movie? --

Karl Marx had brothers? And they made movies?

Free Wall-E! Free Wall-E! Free Wall-E!

MugCineasteRuith1

[mcintyrenator]

11:19 AM on 03/13/2009

Not only is Horse Feathers a great Marx Bros. movie the title of your piece reminded me of a song Groucho sung in the movie:

I'm Against It

[Groucho]
I don't know what they have to say,
It makes no difference anyway,
Whatever it is, I'm against it.
No matter what it is or who commenced it,
I'm against it.

Your proposition may be good,
But let's have one thing understood,
Whatever it is, I'm against it.
And even when you've changed it or condensed it,
I'm against it.

I'm opposed to it,
On general principle, I'm opposed to it.

[chorus] He's opposed to it.
In fact, indeed, that he's opposed to it!

[Groucho]
For months before my son was born,
I used to yell from night to morn,
Whatever it is, I'm against it.
And I've kept yelling since I first commenced it,
I'm against it!

[BobLablah]

10:45 AM on 03/12/2009

This is awesome. I laughed so hard I peed myself. You should contact the Daily Show about a writers gig.

[Dave Astor]

11:35 AM on 03/12/2009

Thanks so much, BobLablah. You made my day!

Best wishes,

Dave