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Dave Hackel

Dave Hackel

Posted: February 9, 2010 02:54 PM

Sarah Palin for President

What's Your Reaction:

I think "Palin For President" has a nice ring to it. And I've got a lot of reasons.

Sarah Palin should be our next president because:

- She's completely selfless. She's willing to become our next chief executive so that Bush won't go down in history as the least informed and vapid president we've ever had.

- She refers to her supporters as "real Americans." And since most of us think of ourselves as real Americans, she must be talking about us. That means she's one of us. And I know that we're certainly all qualified to be the leader of the free world.

- She understands that details upset real Americans so she's forced herself to only speak in headlines. Hearing her talk is like walking by a news stand -- you get the broad generalities but aren't bothered by any pesky details.

- She knows that using a teleprompter is cheating, but that reading from a written text... or her hand... is perfectly acceptable.

- She must be really great, otherwise why would Fox News carry wall-to-wall coverage of every single word she says?

- She's a quick learner. All it took was one bad experience with Katie Couric and now she knows never to go into any sort of interview without knowing the questions in advance.

- She's earned the praise of really smart people like Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly and Roger Ailes. And none of them would ever steer us wrong.

- She made the decision to carry her five children to term and learned so much from that experience that she thinks it should be illegal for any woman to ever have to wrestle with that decision again. Like I said -- selfless.

- She can manipulate the press -- how else was she able to get Chris Wallace to bring up William Ayers so that we wouldn't forget about President Obama "pallin around with terrorists."

- She understands the principles of capitalism. She proved this by starting a small business called "Sarah Palin" which went from earning $125,000 per year as Governor of Alaska to bringing in over $100,000 per night as a public speaker.

- She's already mastered the fine art of ignoring any past comments, deeds, actions or video that she'd like us to forget.

- She understands that yelling "Fire!" in a crowded theater is at least slightly more dangerous than yelling "Socialist" at a Tea Party meeting. But only slightly.

- She'd have Todd, the "First Dude," right there by her side helping her make hard decisions about things like judicial appointments and government contracts. Can you imagine all the time she'll save?

- She knows that we like our politicians to be well tanned so she was smart enough to get the good people of Alaska to buy her a tanning bed so she'd look as much like John Boehner as possible.

- She knows that real Americans like war so she thinks we should go for the hat trick and invade Iran.

- She's an innovative and original thinker. Who else but Sarah would have thought to name her sons Trig and Track?

- She was considerate enough to quit her job as governor of Alaska because, as she explained to Chris Wallace, defending herself against lawsuits was taking too much of the people's time.

- She has no grasp of issues nor any ideas of her own, so we'd be getting Rush Limbaugh's wisdom in a much more attractive package.

And last but not least --

- She's completely free of demons. I know because I saw her exorcism on YouTube.

As far as I can tell, if she's serious about a run for the White House, there's only one thing that can stand in her way -- that there are enough sane people in this country who realize that this embarrassing woman's presence on our national political scene is a dangerous threat to the foundation of this great republic.