"The Hannitus"

Sit still for a moment. Feel the breeze?

Let me guess. A lot of it's coming from your right, isn't it?

Thought so.

It's a bird.

A big one. Big enough to actually create the wind that you're feeling.

Called the Hannitus Blabanoxia, it's a loud, spineless, flightless bird who tirelessly squawks and flaps his wings but never seems to take flight. It's but one of many such birds from the subphylum "Talkus Non-Interruptus." They're known for their closed minds and their unparalleled ability to continuously perpetuate deception by spinning, backpedaling and talking over all other animals in their proximity.

If you found this annoying creature in your yard, you'd definitely shoo it away. Or move.

If we could somehow hook the Hannitus up to a generator, we could solve the energy crisis that it would tell you we don't have.

Lately, its basic problem seems to be that it just can't stand that people like President Obama so much better than they liked Bush. It resents having had to work so hard trying to convince the public that Bush was smart, caring and responsible, and it just can't stomach the fact that Obama is all of those things naturally.

So it jukes and jives and twists and lies and... flails.

I'll give you just a few examples:

The Hannitus berates Obama for traveling too much, saying that the president should spend more time behind his desk solving problems. Then when one of his guests -- recently it was the far smarter Jesse "The Body" Ventura -- mentioned that W spent almost a third of his term of office on vacation, the Hannitus answered by saying that's not a problem because "a president is always working." Convenient? Hypocritical? Oh, just a little.

Flap, flap, flap.

On another show one of the blonde Fox political strategists -- actually an entertainment reporter named Courtney Friel -- was the voice of reason. No really -- she was. And I'm guessing you'll never see her with the Hannitus again because she kept disagreeing with him. He was trying to foment the recent Nancy Pelosi controversy into a full blown political scandal and Courtney said, "Well, Sean, both sides have their scandals." His answer? "Yeah, but the Democrats are in charge now." For the Hannitus -- surprisingly honest.

Flap, flap, flap.

Every single day the Hannitus goes on and on about how Obama's not a great orator because he uses a teleprompter. Horror of horrors. We have a president who wants to be precise instead of a self-described cowboy who thought it was cool to shoot from the hip. So the Hannitus flails away. (By the way -- Bush used a teleprompter on many occasions. The fact that he may have had trouble reading all the big words is an entirely different problem.)

Flap, flap, flap.

When told that Obama inherited a huge financial crisis from his predecessor, the Hannitus denied that it was true. He claimed that Bush was merely babysitting the financial crisis handed to him from the Clinton administration. That the numbers don't support that doesn't seem to bother him at all. He's so used to saying "It's Clinton's fault" that he just goes on autopilot. (There's a crow outside my office right now cawing for no good reason. He can't help it. Just like the Hannitus, it's his nature.)

Flap, flap, flap.

Other pertinent facts about The Hannitus: It feeds on fear, loves to drill, admires Newts, thinks the words "safety" and "Cheney" are synonymous and that animals called Rove and Giuliani are still relevant. It flaps incessantly about the merits of waterboarding but always manages to forget that it happens to be against the law. It feeds at a trough called Murdoch and thinks what makes Americans great is their ability to agree with him.

Flap, flap, flap.

There are other instances of this bird's bizarre behavior. Tons of them. After all, the Hannitus is out there squawking every... single... day.

But if we're lucky... like some other creatures which served no good purpose... eventually it will become extinct.

Comments

[Russwoody]

Hackel
Brilliant. Keep it up. That Hannity and Beck and Limbaugh and O'Reilly, ad infinitum.­.. have unchallenged national platforms to spew their garbage daily, hourly, is one of the largest blights this society has ever endured. And, yes, they have every right to speak their minds. The thing is, there are few prominent voices to counter them. That is a death knell to any functioning body. And it is brought to us by corporate interests, intent on promulgating and promoting a particular political party that returns the favor by allowing these corporations to bypass taxes and promises to stay out of their business. The mantra of the early 70s should be emblazened on buildings throughout the country: "Follow the money!" If you do, if you follow the money, it will always lead you to Hannity and Beck and Limbaugh and O'Reilly, ad infinitum!

[Doug1000X1]

Uh Oh, a dietary recommentadion says--get more Chaney in your diet.

[Doug1000X1]

An Owl quietly perched, sharply intercepting nibbling rodents, and an occasional Hannitus Blabo.

[Doug1000X1]

'There are about fourty flightless birds! Flying birds have a keel on their breastbone to anchor strong muscles that move a bird's wings during flight. Flightless birds have a flat breastbone or a greatly reduced keel.' Flightless birds are not inferior to flying birds. Well the chicken is. Owl: quietly clamped to perch, staring where his swivel head points, intercepting mammals in darkness. Efficient physical functioning compared to concentrated intellect. You appear to be on the front page of a "Political Humor" page found by searching for 'Hannitus', http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/political-humor. A million commentors a month, swhew!
So here is fact, followed by art (writing), closing in a helpful tip.

[mamalisa38]

Great article Dave. I have tried a couple of time to watch his show, and Glen Beck, just don't have the stomach for it. I can, however, manage the few clips they show on HP. This guy, and those of his ilk, really make me sick. They spew nothing but venom and hatred. I am still waiting for him to let himself be water boarded ~ ain't gonna happen ~ coward!

[politicalpollyanna]

Yeah. The non-blonde couch jockey on Fox & Friends was arguing with Ventura this week about waterboarding. While in the throes of his self-righteous indignantly rant, he too said he'd be waterboarded. Not holding my breath for that one either.

[politicalpollyanna]

Wonderful piece! Sat down last night and watched the clip of Ventura plucking the Hannitus one feather at a time. All Hannity could do was stammer, stutter and occasionally give that nasally "HEH HEH HEH!" to which he's prone. It was somewhat uncomfortable in that poor Sean seemed to be suddenly stricken with a severe case of "RIGHT-WIN­G-TALKING-­HEAD TOURETTE'S SYNDROME". He just kept babbling with the occasional shout of "CLINTON!" , "DEFICIT!", "TERRORISTS!", "BIN LADEN!", "SAFER!" , etc.

Anyhoo . . . Enjoyed your column immensely.

[Dave Hackel - Huffpost Blogger]

"Right-Win­g-Talking-­Head Tourette's Syndrome!" That's just great. A perfectly accurate way to describe his "style."

[Doug1000X1]

On the news, a boy with a whistling tourettes thing turns into a respected music whistler.

[Dave Hackel - Huffpost Blogger]

I haven't figured out if he actually thinks his brand of hatred is patriotic or if he'd take a contrary right wing stand on literally anything. I think it's the latter. I'm convinced that for the right amount of money he'd be a liberal. As for Beck -- he basically admitted yesterday on "The View" that he doesn't deal in accuracy on any level. He "commentat­es." Just another Lonesome Rhodes who'll burn himself out eventually.

[politicalpollyanna]

LONESOME RHODES! What a great reference. Wonder if he'll hit rock bottom screaming "MARSHA! DON'T LEAVE ME!" from the balcony of his ivory tower.

[MichaelDem]

I saw that clip, and it was unbelievable. Barbara Walters kept asking him if he ever fact-checked, ever, and his response was that he was a commentator. Barbara has done a lot of interviews, and she looked pretty peeved after this. Terrific article Dave!

[Leoneski]

Dave, you've done it again - made me laugh out loud and yet aware of
the truth of it at the same time. Clever, funny and true. You rock.

[Dave Hackel - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for taking the time to both read and comment. I know Hannity is an easy target, but I just couldn't help myself.

[ObjectiveRealist]

It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it and you did it well!

[toochie50]

BEAUTIFUL! Love it -now i can go to bed with a smile :)

[1lalady]

I think I have seen this bird. Flapping, flapping, and blowing off a lot of wind. I thought it was called a coco bird.

[Janet Carter]

ha ! You nailed it, Dave. GREAT article. Let's get this on Page 1.

[Dave Hackel - Huffpost Blogger]

As for Page 1 --- Haven't quite figured out the key. Sometimes I'm there, sometimes not. But I certainly appreciate you taking the time to comment.

[radiclib]

.
.
Hannity is a classic bully.
Deep down, he is a coward.
.
.

[SiberianRat]

Actually, his cowardice is not deep at all--on his sleeve if you ask me. Cool article.

[Dave Hackel - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks. I'm glad you liked it. And, you're right, I doubt Hannity's a deep person on any level. Otherwise he wouldn't spend so much time patting himself on the back.

[Dave Hackel - Huffpost Blogger]

I agree. But he's got a lot of company in the bully/coward department. O'Reilly, Limbaugh, Levin -- they all are quite full of themselves, aren't they?

[blaqntelligence]

You know, I may have spotted this Hannitus a time or two.
It was so busy squawking, flapping, and crapping (you left out the crapping part) it didn't see me. I got a good long look, brought my children back to take another look, and now make it my business to prevent a Hannitus from ever entering, and polluting, my home.

[Jaihind]

Hannitus Irrelevus :-))))

[Dave Hackel - Huffpost Blogger]

Wish I'd thought of that one.

[Cassandra2]

The Hannitus - must be a cross between a turkey (too dumb to come in out of the rain without guidance) and a stegosaur (one walnut-size brain in its head, another in its a**, neither one really functional).

[psmarc93]

Most birds have larger brains.

[Dave Hackel - Huffpost Blogger]

I know you were joking, but the size of Hannity's brain isn't the problem. He's bright. But don't you wish he'd use his powers for good instead of evil? He and his ilk are very destructive forces in this country.