01/28/2009 02:21 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Bears Quarterback Files Breach of Services Contract Against the Devil

Attorneys for Bears quarterback Rex Grossman have filed suit against the devil, saying that while their client signed away his soul in good faith, the devil has not done his part to fulfill his promise of "a dream career in the NFL."

Grossman cited preferential treatment to another of the devil's clients, quarterback Tom Brady, who's dating Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen and who's unbeaten team is the odds-on favorite to win Brady his fourth Super Bowl ring. In addition, Brady's movie star good looks have landed him in the pages of leading fashion magazines.

"When I signed this deal," said Grossman, recovering at home after a 7-9 season, "the devil promised greatness and glory -- instead, it's been injuries and incompletions. Brady is caviar, I'm chopped liver, home watching the post-season."

Through a spokesman, Satan dismissed Grossman as "a crybaby. He's been to the Super Bowl, he's got a smokin' hot wife, and he's making a ton of dough." With a menacing sneer, the devil added, "All I can say is, he better enjoy those things while he can." The devil's principle attorney pointed out that the devil had never incurred litigation from anyone, despite a client list that included people who'd sold their soul in exchange for such things as learning to juggle, improved Pac-Man skills, and naturally curly hair.

Teammates leapt to Grossman's defense. Speaking on conditions of anonymity, one receiver said, "To sell your soul to the devil and have a 66.4 quarterback rating? Man, Rexy got took."

In the past, Patriots quarterback Brady, whose team is undefeated this season, has been outspoken in his enthusiasm for the devil's contributions to his life. "Sure I'll spend eternity in a lake of fire - big deal. I'll be reminiscing about banging Gisele an hour after I had break-up sex with Bridget Moynihan. I'll be thinking about throwing a perfect spiral into Randy Moss's hands for a victory with no time on the clock. I'll be remembering the bucket of caviar at those GQ shoots, thinking about what it's like to get a knobber on a Gulfstream."

Grossman claims the devil's promises included a long career, but the former University of Florida player has been consistently hampered by injuries. "Brady has never had a cold," complained Grossman. "I eat Advil like Dr. Phil eats Mrs. See's candy."

"I have hundreds of clients in professional sports," said the devil. "Basically if someone isn't taking performance-enhancing drugs, they're with me. For Grossman to say I haven't held up my end of the bargain is ridiculous." With a grin the devil added, "I know everything you've done in your whole life, Rex - even if you win this one, I'm not a guy you want to piss off."