Animal Report

11/09/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Yesterday, I went shopping at my local grocery/deli type store on the corner and saw this little kitty cat shopping at the same time I was. A lot of people think kitty cats pretty much never go shopping, but this photo pokes a big hole in that theory. Believe me- I was just as surprised as anyone to see it all happening, so I decided to watch the kitty cat myself to see just what sort of things a kitty cat shops for when it's out running errands like a person.

As it turned out the kitty cat pretty much couldn't find a single that it seemed to be looking for. It sat and stared for a while at the beer cooler, which I thought was really funny because everyone knows kitty cats don't drink beer (unless they are party kitty cats, of course! Ha ha!). The milk cooler was right next to the beer cooler, but this particular kitty cat did not seem to have any interest in that whatsoever. Go figure. I guess I don't tend to shop for bullshit I've already got at home either. Hey- we're not so different after all! I love kitty cats!

After staring at the beer cooler for a little bit, the kitty cat wandered down the cracker and cookie aisle, but still seemed to find nothing that interested him/her (did not get a good look at the crotch to make any clear gender determination. You'd think kitty cats would accessorize or something and make my job a little easier in that department, but no- it always come down to getting right up in there, pushing the fur aside and giving my medical opinion).

Once the kitty cat got to the end of the cracker and cookie aisle, it just sort of lied down on the floor for a few seconds. It is at this point that I approached it and it rolled over and exposed its belly to me, something almost no one ever does to me at grocery stores during daytime hours. I'm not sure what the hell kind of message the kitty cat was trying to send me, but I refused to take the bait. Get me down on the ground, claw my eyes out! Yeah, no thanks, kitty cat! I'm not stupid!

After nearly maiming me, the kitty cat got back up and headed for the end- of-aisle chip display. Here it just sat there and stared for a second before discovering a box of snack-sized Combos at the bottom of the display and briefly batting around one package that appeared to already be hanging halfway out of the box (pepperoni-flavored, I think).

Once the kitty cat grew bored with the Combos (like the rest of America! Fuck you, Combos!), it transitioned into a sitting position and just sort of looked around- seemingly at nothing in particular- and then collapsed on the ground and quickly fell asleep before- seconds later- being awakened by the sandwich guy yelling to somebody about something sandwich-related. This caused the kitty cat to suddenly sit upright, look around again for a second, and then start staring directly at me with a look of death I have almost never seen in the eyes of an otherwise domesticated animal before. It is at this point that I decided to pay for my yogurt and get the hell out of there so I didn't have to type this from a goddamn hospital bed using a pencil that's sticking out of my mouth while some woman I just met tries to teach me to relearn how to pee. No thanks, kitty cat!

In other news, this past weekend I went to a Chinese restaurant to eat some Chinese food (duh!). It was here that I witnessed the world's largest fish dump, which was being taken by one of the fish in the fish tank near up where the cashier lady sits. Despite the fact that the fish was taking a crap easily twice the length of the its entire body, none of the other fish seemed to notice aside from this one fish who kept swimming right up to the shit rope and sort of staring at it for a few seconds with a look on its face that seemed to say "Should I or shouldn't I? Should I or shouldn't I?" More as this story develops.